Feeling Secure — Building Safety and Trust in Poly Relationships

In Episode 18, Alonzo Banx brings together a familiar and lively panel — Heather, Cookie, Noah, Blake, and Lana — for a deep, candid conversation about what it really means to feel secure in polyamory. The discussion explores how love languages, trust, and communication shape emotional safety, and how security isn’t static — it’s something partners build, test, and rebuild over time.

From redefining “rules” as evolving agreements, to balancing freedom with safety, and learning to love from a place of divine yes instead of fear, this episode is one of the most emotionally intelligent PolySoCal roundtables yet. It’s a heartfelt mix of vulnerability, humor, and truth about what it takes to build lasting connection in multi-partner relationships.

Alonzo,  Heather, Cookie, Noah, Blake, and Lana

Transcript

Alonzo Banx (00:02)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks. We've got a really good group tonight. We've got a couple of people that haven't been on in a while. We've got a couple of our guests here tonight. It's the first time they've gotten to speak with each other. So tonight we're going to talk about what does it mean to feel secure in a poly relationship and how do you build that feeling together? So with that, hi everybody.

Cookie (00:30)
Hi!

Lana (00:31)
Hello?

Heather (00:31)
Ha!

Blake (00:31)
Hey, hey.

Noah (00:31)
Die.

Alonzo Banx (00:33)
What a great crew tonight. Heather, Cookie, Noah, Blake, Lana. All right, ⁓ let's do the who we are thing. So we're go on my screen in order. And Heather, that puts you up first. Say hello.

Heather (00:45)
Hi, I'm Heather. I am married to Beeb. We are in a polycule with John and Patty. We've been dating them for a year and a half-ish. I also have a girlfriend who I've been dating a little bit longer than that.

Alonzo Banx (01:06)
And it's good to have you back. You've been off for a couple of weeks. It's nice having you. Cookie?

Cookie (01:15)
Hi, I'm Cookie. I've been here, I think, once before. I'm partners with Noah and also a fan favorite, Cupcake. ⁓ We are a play partner, polycule type situation. And ⁓ yeah, I'm happy to be back.

Alonzo Banx (01:37)
It's good to have you. Noah, welcome back sir.

Noah (01:42)
Yeah, thank you very much. Yeah, like Cookie said, it's Cookie, Cupcake and I. Kitchen table, polyamorous relationship. Cupcake also has a husband who has his own relationship as well. And yeah, we all have a great time.

Alonzo Banx (02:01)
Welcome back as always. Mr. Blake, jump on in, say hello.

Blake (02:06)
Hi, howdy, howdy. So I'm Blake and my partner is Lana. We've been together about three years, a little over, and we started out monogamish and we're still that way, but we've been opening up for more and more play and expanding in all kinds of exciting ways. So that's what we're up to.

Alonzo Banx (02:29)
thrilled to have you on and Miss Lana, unfortunately, people at home can't see that very sexy shirt you're wearing tonight. So I'm gonna be totally inappropriate. Say thank you for the shoulders.

Blake (02:40)
you

Lana (02:41)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello everybody, I'm Lana and I am in relationship with Blake and we are exploring and expanding our horizons and we ⁓ don't know what we don't know. So let's just talk about what is possible and create that possible.

Alonzo Banx (03:04)
Well, thank you both for being on as always. So the question for today is what does it actually mean to feel secure in a poly relationship? And how do you build that feeling together? know a lot of people outside of our community would wonder how you feel secure. How do you, how do you feel good and like you have some stability in this kind of relationship? And I think we have some really good examples of that on tonight. Anyone want to?

Jump on that for me first.

Heather, come on.

Heather (03:40)
God, this I feel is really a complex question for this evening. I think one of the ways that you can make someone feel secure in a relationship is by knowing their love language and meeting that need. ⁓ So ⁓ John is very acts of service. So being present for him and doing things for him. I try to make that happen. ⁓ Patty is very ⁓ words of affirmation.

So just expressing my love to her and how I'm feeling and what I'm feeling all the time ⁓ is her jam and makes her feel really good. ⁓ I think for me though, it's not really so much my love language, it's more of trust and safety. ⁓ So if I can really trust someone and I'm not second guessing their intentions or their motives, ⁓ that makes me feel.

extremely secure. And I don't know how that is formed. I guess actions speak louder than words when it comes to trust. So I've never doubted any of my partners at all. So it makes me feel really good.

Alonzo Banx (04:54)
No, I see you have something to say, but I want ask Heather a question. Did you come into being poly knowing that you could feel secure or did you learn the skills as you've been in these relationships?

Heather (05:08)
That is a great question. ⁓ I am a communications major, so I have learned a lot about communicating and so I think that's helped me a lot express my needs and what I'm looking for and I'm very upfront about that with people. So ⁓ it's definitely learned, I guess, yeah, in college.

Alonzo Banx (05:35)
Nowhere. You had something you wanted to do. Jump in.

Noah (05:38)
Yeah, I think Heather brought up a really good point. And she was talking about how everyone in her polycule kind of has their own love language, their own needs and desires that need to be met. Right. And I think that's kind of something that needs to be considered for every relationship as well. Right. Every couple or poly group

has a their own set of standards that they need to come together and and agree on right so ⁓ I'm gonna blow everybody's mind here and Give everyone a huge tip communication matters and relationships Right, I know that's a big revelation, but I think that's the the biggest ⁓ the key right

First of all, before you can really enter into this, you need to understand what everyone is trying to get out of it, what everyone is hoping to get out of it, what everyone's needs are. And then there's probably gonna be discussions about rules, which I've got more to say on too, but I don't wanna hog up all the time right now. I think...

You know, there is a lot of talking that needs to happen first and everyone needs to be on the same page before you can even begin to feel secure. Right? And that happens even before you've started, ⁓ you know, going down the path of splitting away from monogamy.

Alonzo Banx (07:17)
You tonight is our 18th episode and I've been thinking lately we can do away with all future episodes by just saying, hi, Polly Soquel, communicate. Thanks. Have a good night. Because it does kind of end up the repetitive theme in every conversation we have is communication, talking, being open, being receptive. Cookie Blake, I see you both got some, but Blake, I'm going to jump to Cookie. She doesn't get on here often. So.

Cookie (07:28)
you

Alonzo Banx (07:46)
Cookie, take the mic, tell us what's going on.

Cookie (07:49)
Thank you, Blake, for waiting. I definitely agree with everything that's been said. ⁓ And I kind of want to go back to Heather's kind of first point of, ⁓ you know, this is a complicated topic because I think there are a lot of different ways that you or someone else can feel secure. I think there's different levels of security. think ⁓ with any relationship.

Blake (07:51)
He

Cookie (08:16)
This is kind of true like with coworker level, with friendship level, with poly level. There's certain people that certain topics are very comfortable and there's certain people where maybe certain topics start to be uncomfortable and finding people who kind of jive with what you want to talk about and what you value and ⁓

who like you as you are and are interested to see how you change as a person, but don't necessarily pressure you to change as a person, I think is also a really important dynamic. think your needs and the people around you's needs ⁓ are not static. I think that they are flexible and can change according to how old you are, what point in life you're in, what's happening to you. And I think that's another part of why.

Communication is so important so you can kind of keep checking in while we're growing and developing together and something that may have made you feel really comfortable and secure before might start to feel uncomfortable for some reason or maybe now there's something new that you've discovered or are curious about and need and nobody around you is gonna be psychic to know that. That's kind of something you have to be aware of in yourself to be like, ⁓ like.

this used to feel really good and it doesn't anymore. Why is that? How is it making me feel now? Why is it, you maybe it's only making you feel weird with a certain person. ⁓ And I think it's an awareness building exercise to be kind of aware of this kind of dynamic and being receptive to yourself changing and the people around you changing I think is very important because nobody's gonna stay the same over time. you know, if you do,

that'll start to feel uncomfortable too. So like life is moving, life is changing, and ⁓ this is an extension of that.

Alonzo Banx (10:10)
You're absolutely right. mean, one of things that we talk about in all the communities is we all evolve. We all change. What's right today may not be right tomorrow. And communication is absolutely an ongoing process. You always have to stay up to, okay, how do you feel today? Blake, get something you want to add, please do.

Blake (10:28)
I think it's such a great

point to talk about ⁓ changing and kind of how ⁓ feeling secure changes over time. for example, we've been together three years and ⁓ when we started out, we had an agreement that we did all of our play together. And that was one way that we helped to go into this space and feel secure was that we were able to kind of check in with each other easily and that kind of thing.

But we recently were at an event where part of the event involved us going off into separate places with other people. And so we had to kind of think about, how does this change our agreements and how do our agreements, what parts of our agreements do we ⁓ bring in to make this safe? So we had a number of conversations where we talked about how we would approach it and what we were feeling good about and so forth.

And I think that ⁓ no one has mentioned rules. And we like to think of it as agreements in the sense that it's not a rule where somebody says you can't do this or if you do such and such, you're going to get punished. It's rather about each of us comes up with our own boundaries for ourselves. And then based on the boundaries that we've determined for ourselves, we see how they combine and in what ways can we agree to ⁓

that will meet each other's boundaries. ⁓ And those agreements are absolutely changeable and that's why the communication is so important. But that way nobody feels like, I can't do this and so I'm stuck. whatever we do, we've gone into because we've agreed and we may have negotiated to something that's mutually beneficial.

Alonzo Banx (12:17)
Yeah, to your point, where Lana and Noah, I see both, but to your point, I think it's important that when a lot of us talk about we have rules, they're not rules, they're agreements. I think that's more of just a term that we use when we say, it's a rule. It's like, it's an agreement. It's not a, don't get punished unless that's the basis of your relationship. Lana, you've been very quiet tonight, please.

Blake (12:40)
That could be part of the agreement, yeah.

Lana (12:46)
Yeah, so I could add to what Blake started. ⁓ Communication is the key. Agreement and boundaries are very important. I have the best interest and heart to make his feeling, hear, understood, valued and very respected. So if I'm walking my truth and just make sure

I tuned to what he's doing and how his needs met. It's given me opportunity to feel good and be safe. Safety is very, very important to me. If I'm not safe, I'm just getting so small and I don't want anything. I'm just hiding. And in the same time, if I have safe and security and trust,

I could be big, I love everybody, I'm light and I love my life and I won't be myself. And in the very beginning our relationship, we had the conversation how to be safe and be free. It's easy to be safe and easy to be free, but how to just dance with both. And another question is very important to us, how to be myself.

and relate to this person and relate to other people who they are getting know and the different conversation, different relationship. We are building this. Most important to me to have our foundation in our relationship and feel so safe in our relationship and everything else it's possible. And plus communication, of course, we both are external communicators. So we are not

What is your in life? ⁓

Alonzo Banx (15:05)
I love your analogy of feeling small or feeling big. I can relate to that. That puts it in a very good context. Noah, please.

Cookie (15:10)
you

Noah (15:16)
Yeah, I really agree Lana with what you said and it really shows, you know the the amount of communication you and Blake have And Blake i'm so glad you picked up on the rules thing because I kind of said it as bait I completely agree with you It's it's agreements ⁓ they're their boundaries that are being discussed and ⁓ I

Blake (15:34)
Ha ha ha ha.

Noah (15:44)
I have my own opinions on quote unquote rules. ⁓ And I would love for anyone to disagree with me perhaps, ⁓ with boundaries and agreements, there's obviously a different tone that's set with that, right? This is what I'm comfortable with. This is what makes me feel safe. This is how ⁓ we can express love with each other and other people in a safe and consensual manner.

And I think that's key, right? The reason why I brought up rules is because in my opinion, that's where ⁓ especially newer polyamorous relationships can get tripped up. And this is possibly perhaps because some get coerced into this lifestyle, right? Where the... ⁓

one or both people get into a position of being overly restrictive with the other.

I am only comfortable with you going on a date as long as you come back and tell me every single thing they said, every single thing that happened. I want to know about their family, their children, their blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I need to know their bank statements and their social security number and all that. Right. and that doesn't really give any space for someone to have a, a ⁓ comfortable

⁓ experience with another person and to grow a relationship with another person, right? If it's overly restrictive, they're only going to be coming into that situation with fear, fear of disappointing a partner, fearing of getting in trouble, fear of doing something wrong, some sort of misstep that's gonna cause it, and that's going to come out in this new relationship they're trying to cultivate. ⁓

and I think ultimately will always end in some ⁓ conflict in the quote-unquote primary partners of the relationship right the ones who started to open up their monogamous relationship and going into polyamory ⁓ and that can look like a lot of different things but typically comes in my experience from what i've witnessed comes from ⁓

a lot of insecurity from one, ⁓ maybe both of the partners. And because of that, they set all kinds of rules and boundaries. And ⁓ I personally feel like that's incompatible with polyamory. There is nothing wrong with having some ability to say, this is what I'm comfortable with, this is what I'm not comfortable with.

But I feel like those parameters need to be, vague isn't the right answer, but less, you can't have too many. How about that? Right? There's one thing between having two or three sets of boundaries, maybe five or six, if they're kind of specific. It's another to say, you can only do these three things. Right? ⁓ Anyway, I'll put it back to the group.

Alonzo Banx (19:05)
Well,

Blake, I see, and I want to jump in there and something. think one of the things that's important to understand is the difference between relationships that have started in the poly world and relationships that are transitioning into the poly world. I think it's a lot harder to take a monogamous relationship or one that has been a long time monogamous relationship and transition that into a poly relationship where I believe most of us

on the call tonight met their new partner, their partner with that being one of the starting parameters. Blake, you had something you wanted to jump in there with.

Blake (19:47)
Well, it's interesting thing about and it's kind of complex about putting restrictions. We talked some about going at the speed of the slower person ⁓ and that notion that as we're developing security, that sometimes we develop security at slightly different rates. ⁓ At the same time, there is that that issue that certainly if there's too many restrictions, it's going to be an imbalance and it's going to be tough. One of the things that Lana is really wonderful at is that

She does attune to me and at times, and I think what we're discovering now is that more and more as she's able to tune into her divine yes, that she can do that and she doesn't have to check in with me as much as I may have asked for in the past. And so as I'm getting more confident and I'm feeling more secure, it is giving us both greater freedom. So yeah, so that's one difference for sure.

Noah (20:45)
Can I interrupt real quick and actually ask? Yeah.

Alonzo Banx (20:45)
You had a lot of nodding heads. You had a lot of

nodding yeses, by the way, for people at home who can't see the faces. There was a lot of yeses. Lana, I see you wanted to say something, but no, you wanted to jump in.

Noah (20:56)
Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I actually you said something Blake that I want to ask about. So you had mentioned Lana's divine. Yes, that's not something I've heard before. Can you elaborate on what that means?

Blake (21:08)
⁓

beautiful. Well, you know, actually, I kind of love to pass that on to Lana and let you talk about what your divine yes is.

Lana (21:20)
So Divine Yes is not from a place of fear, it's from the place of love. And our heart has capacity for fear and love. The less fear we have, the more love we have. And Divine Yes when I feel good in my body, in my mind, and it's hell yes. I don't question myself. Maybe it's equal no to me. ⁓

My no now is very strong no. And because we are in the same ⁓ page majority of the times, if I'm in my divine yes, Blake feels this. It's obvious, it's all my ⁓ being is just enlightened. Yeah, go ahead.

Cookie (22:04)
you

Blake (22:14)
But

I would say that's more true now than it used to be because what would be difficult, let's say if we were at a party or something and you saw a man who you love and you've known for years and you'll go and give him a huge hug and melt into him. And for years, when we were first together, that was hard for me. And now I see that as your divine yes. I love seeing you express that kind of affection, but it's taking me time to develop that security where I really feel great when I see that.

Lana (22:44)
And another thing about the tunement and consistency. I'm consistently show you, are my man and you are my light and we could be in light together and invite people to just be in our space and feel good about themselves and about situation. Yeah.

Blake (23:09)
Exactly.

Alonzo Banx (23:12)
Heather, you're looking like you had something you wanted to

Heather (23:15)
Blake, I just wanted to say, I really loved how you said go at the rate of the slower person. I think that is great advice for ⁓ people getting into the lifestyle, whether it's swinging, poly, whichever, ⁓ great advice for that couple.

If they've been monogamous for years and they're getting into lifestyle, that is great advice.

Alonzo Banx (23:36)
Absolutely.

That is a very, we should do a show on that, transition period, because that is a tough thing to deal with. Cookie, you're smiling a lot there. What do you got to add?

Cookie (23:54)
There's always something. No, I really ⁓ like what Lana said about speaking from either fear or love ⁓ in your answers. And I think the other part of that is when you are in a space where you are invited to speak from either of those places without a fear of repercussion. think something I like to do to help people around me feel safe. ⁓

because of my own experience and what I know that I need to feel safe is basically offering as much as possible non-judgmental space for whatever would need to be said, whatever would need to be expressed. can hear it. have done the work to emotionally regulate myself so as to not react and create a reason for this other person to be anxious about talking to me about something or worried about.

maybe there's eggshells, there's something we can't talk about. those are things that can come into any kind of relationship and really start to cause some friction and really start to create some walls and inhibit you from really having that close connection. I think you need to ensure that you have the ability.

to ⁓ hear what needs to be said and that you are able to say what needs to be said to someone and trust them to also hear it. And I think this is something that is slowly built over time, this kind of trust. don't often start with ⁓ the deepest, darkest secret, unless you're me and Noah, but it is ⁓ a place of vulnerability. ⁓

Blake (25:36)
you

Cookie (25:39)
It is a place that you don't really get to share with everyone that you run into, everyone that you encounter in the world. It is kind of sacred. And once you have that, you can speak your deepest fear and you can speak your greatest love. ⁓ And I think, you know, being with someone, being in a space where you can have that is ⁓ not only liberating, but also ⁓ kind of internally validating.

you know that even if what you have to say isn't nice to hear or isn't necessarily helping anyone, that you're just able to get it out, that you don't have to hide it. And ⁓ even hearing the worst thing in the world, I'm sure with some time and some work, you'd be able to hear it too. And I think like this is the kind of work that would really help you develop any kind of relationship, but it's very important in poly because everybody has their own deepest, darkest fear.

Everybody has their own, know, brightest, most invested in love and they want to be able to share that with you. ⁓ So be, you know, be open to creating a space for that and make that your goal to be able to hear as much of that as possible. ⁓ And then that will open you up to be able to do the same. Cause it sucks to live with secrets. It sucks to not be able to share that with anyone. ⁓ It's invalidating.

Alonzo Banx (27:08)
Absolutely. Lana, see you know you jumped up first and considering you were brought up in that one, please jump up.

Noah (27:16)
Yeah, so I love that cookie product, the deepest, darkest secret thing, because that was one of the first questions she asked me the night I met her, which is funny. But and I answered honestly. And here we are. We've had radical honesty ever since. Right. ⁓ But that is completely on point for this whole discussion is I think.

Blake (27:26)
Ha ha ha.

Noah (27:43)
Mean every relationship but polyamory is specially requires a level of emotional maturity that I don't think ⁓ Everyone has and I think that's something to really consider before you jump into this ⁓ Especially when you're talking about feeling secure in your relationship and what I what I mean by that is

⁓ You need to be able to, like Lana was talking about, ⁓ feel the ability and the freedom and the safety to be able to tell your partner no.

or that you're scared or afraid without reprisal. So in the BDSM community there, and polyamory probably in general, I know about it in the BDSM side of things, there's a concept called porch time. And porch time is essentially basically something you can call out if you're feeling insecure about something, whether it's about a situation that's happening in the moment or something that happened that you want to talk about.

And porch time is a neutral space where you can say things without reprisal. It's a place where the person you're speaking to to be neutral, hear what you say and absorb it and be able to ⁓ respond. ⁓ I don't want to say unemotionally, but without triggers, right? You need to be able to to listen to your partner and ⁓

understand where they're coming from. If you cannot, if you do not have the emotional maturity to deal with something like that, if you feel like you aren't able to, I guess in some ways compartmentalize, ⁓ polyamory might be very difficult for you. There is a ⁓ lot of emotional risk that comes ⁓

with this lifestyle, not just with your partner, but with other people around you and with yourself. There is a lot of potential for hurt, right? In every relationship that we have, friends, family, romantic, vulnerability is key, but vulnerability is exactly what it sounds like. It's risky, right? And if you cannot be fully vulnerable with your partners,

It will be very difficult to ⁓ properly express yourself and to properly feel safe and comfortable in your polyamorous relationship.

Alonzo Banx (30:35)
I think you're absolutely right, but I want to clarify that I think everything that you just said isn't just true in BDSM or in polyamory. It's in life. That is in every relationship. That is in monogamous relationships. That's in friendships. That's in dealing with your siblings. You know, we like to think that because we're in polyamory, we have these skills, but those skills are critical to all of your interactions with people.

And I think that's something that people listening to this need to remember is I don't think we're all that special. I think that these are just things that we've come to awareness because in our world, it really amplifies on us quickly if we don't. Heather, I see you want to say something, but Lana, you were up first.

Lana (31:22)
Just to add what Kuki and No were talking, honesty is very sexy, vulnerability is very sexy. And to be able to live in a space to not judge, to not compare, and to not hide anything, not prove anything, and not chase anything. So in that space, it's a lot of love.

and it's a lot of freedom. It's what I feel and it's everyday work to remind myself the space exists and it feels good in that space.

Alonzo Banx (32:05)
Yes, does. Heather?

Heather (32:09)
I was just thinking about sharing your vulnerability with your partner or your feelings or whatever it may be in the moment. I think one of the things that makes me feel the most safe, and when I use the word safe, mean emotionally safe, is how they respond. It speaks volumes to me. ⁓ If I'm saying something ⁓ that that person hurt me in some kind of way,

and they respond defensively, that's a red flag for me. ⁓ If they respond with true listening and hearing me, ⁓ man, I just instantly, my pussy is talking. I just, ⁓ you know what I mean?

Blake (32:55)
You

Alonzo Banx (33:03)
Please.

Cookie (33:04)
Yeah.

Blake (33:06)
Yeah, thinking about ⁓ the issue of attunement and one of the things that I think is really important for attunement is to really know your own deep intents. Like, why are you in this? know, and ⁓ actually something Noah said in a previous episode really struck me when you said you were here because we want to love a lot and we want to receive a lot.

Cookie (33:10)
you

Blake (33:34)
love and if we go in with knowing that's our intent, that it makes a big difference. And I think what's helpful for us is we think about it in terms of expansion, that we have our base and then we want to expand. And if we're on our way to a party or on our way to some kind of an experience and we will just remind each other, remind ourselves about what's our deep intent and kind of, you know, we're really in this to make our relationship stronger.

And when we go into a situation with that understanding, we can just look at each other and know that we're good.

Alonzo Banx (34:11)
another freaking growth opportunity, right? Who's got and who was willing to step up and share where they didn't quite do things right and what it was that they learned from, you know, perhaps not approaching a situation as well as they should have in hindsight. Anyone willing to share one?

Blake (34:14)
Yeah.

Alonzo Banx (34:40)
Go ahead, Heather.

Heather (34:42)
I'm willing to share one and I'm sure Biebs would support those. I was having an extremely rough day, I'm sorry, was texting Biebs all of my feelings. ⁓ And I think I even called him to tell him how I was feeling. And I was crying on the phone, really upset and telling him that what I needed in that moment was to go to the beach with John. I really needed to get away to breathe.

and to take a beat and that's what I needed. ⁓ He didn't listen to my needs in that moment. He emotionally reacted because it's the first time where I've expressed needing a different partner besides him. And he got very possessive like, I'm going to be home at this time. Can't you just wait? And that made me more upset because I didn't feel like he was listening to my needs and what I was expressing.

and he made it about him. And that really upset me even more that I was now having to backtrack my own feelings to help him through what this that he was experiencing. And I hated that old.

We interventionally worked it out later that day, but I think it was a huge learning lesson on his part and him having to be okay with in the moment me needing someone else besides him, I think was a huge poly hurdle for him.

Alonzo Banx (36:15)
That can be a tough one.

Anyone else?

Go ahead.

Noah (36:26)
So, know, in the relationships that we've had, there's often another partner on the other side, right? So cooking out a relationship and we'll have another partner and they will have their own husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever the scenario is. And there is often a, because you're getting close to each other, you're getting...

⁓ a real ⁓ emotional connection and you're sharing with each other. And then sometimes conversations about the other relationships, the other spokes in the wheel, right, are coming together and ⁓ maybe there's some sort of friction occurring. And in my experience, ⁓

I don't always know when to step out of it. Right? And it becomes very difficult. without being extremely specific, it's a fight that occurs between that other relationship that I'm kind of technically a part of, but not really. Where do I go? Do I give advice? Do I say, not my problem, that's between you two, right?

Do I try to point out where maybe they're going wrong or do I say, that really sucks. Yeah, they did you bad, right? That's really tough. And I, I don't know that even to this day, I know how to deal with that correctly. ⁓ but I have found that, ⁓ definitely getting in the middle of it's the wrong way. Right.

Cookie (38:00)
you

Thank ⁓

Noah (38:19)
And I think there's a delicate dance there. You want to be there for all of your partners. But when you're dealing with a multiple relationships that aren't all necessarily, I don't want to use the word equal, but aren't necessarily on the same plane or playing field, right? That you're perhaps...

overstepping boundaries by just trying to love the other person. And I think that can be very difficult. I'd love some advice actually, if anybody has any.

Alonzo Banx (38:56)
You know, I think for me,

a fundamental premise is that there are not five love languages. There's about 850 of them. ⁓ I don't believe in five. There's a lot. And I know I subscribe to quite a few of them that are not on the standard list. One of my biggest love languages is I'm the man. I want to fix it. I want to step in. I want to help. I want to fix.

And when I can't be the person that can fix it, that hurts. Because I want to fix, and I love, and I want to heal you. And that's a problem. And when I see other people in conflict, it's really hard for me not to want to step in and help. And learning, quite simply, to shut the fuck up is not really an easy thing to learn.

Because one of my strongest love languages is to be there, to be the strength, to be the one that heals, to be the one that fixes. Heather, you said you had something.

Cookie (40:00)
you

Heather (40:07)
Yeah, I was speaking to me was saying, ⁓ I've had this situation before with Patty and Beeb where Patty would vent to me about something going on with Beeb, but she would never communicate to Beeb about it. And that would frustrate the heck out of me. Cause Beeb's over here in like La La Land and his bubble of unknowingness and Patty is upset about something. And I'm like, so I would go to Beeb and tell him like X, Y, and Z is happening.

this is what's going on. And then he would talk to her about it. And I eventually hated being the middleman, because in order for a true relationship to grow, there needs to be deeper communication and her being able to open up and feel going to go with him and stuff like that. Because her fear was that he would leave her if she was too emotional, which isn't the case. And

Then so I finally told them both, I'm done. I will be a listening ear, but I will not be a fixer anymore. I'm not going to do it. I want to see you guys growing as a couple because I love you both. And the only way for that to happen is if there is more communication between the two.

So if someone's venting to me about another partner or maybe even not a partner that I'm associated with, I don't give advice unless they directly ask me for advice. I listen and that's it.

Alonzo Banx (41:44)
going give you the last word tonight. Those are coming towards the end of our time. No, Blake, I'm going to go to you and I'm going to go to Cookie first. Lana, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm giving you the last word on the show tonight. Blake, please.

Blake (41:58)
I'll be quick. I just wanted to point out to people a wonderful resource out there. I used to think that consensual non-monogamy was kind of inherently insecure territory, but there's a book out there called Poly Secure. It's written by Jessica Fern, and she approaches, she's a psychotherapist and approaches it from a trauma perspective and talks about all kinds of specific things that couples and people can do to build those secure relationships. ⁓ It's a very good book.

Alonzo Banx (42:28)
Heather, you like you agreed with that. You know that book?

Heather (42:31)
I love that book, my whole polycule is listening to that book. Great book.

Alonzo Banx (42:36)
Nice. Cookie, what do you got for us?

Cookie (42:41)
Well, I haven't read that book, but I guess I'll add that to my list. ⁓ yeah. ⁓ well, that might be the selective choice then. I might do that. Yeah, it was just gonna say, think. ⁓

Heather (42:48)
The audiobook too, you know.

Cookie (43:00)
you know, in life, especially going back to the whole rules thing and the need to create a lot of rules and the perhaps anxiously driven need to ⁓ assert some kind of control over maybe the partner you're with or a friend you're with because maybe it's coming from a place of love, like you want what's best for them. But that, that overstepping, think building awareness around when you are overstepping ⁓

you know, outside of yourself and recognizing, you know, maybe this is a good time to offer my perspective, but not necessarily give them ⁓ instructionals. I think being able to just let them. ⁓ I think there is another book I intend to read, and I know a little bit about the premise called Let Them. And I think that is sound, wonderful life advice for anyone who is struggling with

a relationship, a partner, a friend who keeps doing things that they don't necessarily like or agree with. And it's really getting to them on the inside because they imagine this world where they do things differently and that they can't rectify that it keeps turning out the way that they don't want. I think it's important to allow the people around you to fail sometimes to screw up and to learn and to not inhibit their journey when they go to

to do that, to try something new, ⁓ to make a mistake. And it's OK to offer advice and lessons you've learned and perhaps provide a warning, but always allow them the growth and the movement to do that. And I think that's another part of offering a safe space. ⁓ And also, it's good for you to be able to accept ⁓ someone around you, maybe.

making decisions that you aren't comfortable with. It's kind of another way of hearing someone when you see someone do things that maybe you don't agree with and you can kind of hold yourself back from having any bad reaction from it and just know that you'll be there, you know, at the end of whatever just happened ⁓ as a support system. But you are your own person and they're still their own person. ⁓ you don't want to have control over that. You don't want a parentified situation or

some kind of managerial situation where you're handling this other person. ⁓ It's never worth it. It's never worth it. I think honor your relationships and your friendships for who they are, what they are, and where they're going. And again, it's part of that honesty thing. So yeah.

Alonzo Banx (45:43)
It's not worth it and I don't think it always works out when you try it. Mr. Noah, any real quick thoughts before I pass it to Lana to close out the night?

Noah (45:52)
No, no, no, it sounds perfect.

Alonzo Banx (45:56)
Cook, look who we have on here tonight. Heather, look who got the A-team. close us out tonight. What are your thoughts? What does it mean to actually feel secure in a polyamorous relationship? And how do you get there?

Cookie (46:00)
you

Lana (46:14)
My thoughts, be yourself. We're so individual, we're so different. Be yourself, check in with yourself. Live life from divine yeses. Love, love fully. Don't afraid to anything, don't afraid to speak up and communication is the key. If you are not safe, it's supposed to be voice it out, just...

Find a way to communicate to your partner or partners and love. Love from all your big hearts.

Heather (46:45)
.

Alonzo Banx (46:57)
Perfectly well said guys tonight's our 18th episode I so love where we're going and what we've turned this podcast into Heather cookie Noah Blake Lana Thank you. This has been another amazing conversation. I am Alonzo banks. This has been the poly so Cal podcast Thank you, everyone. Good night

Cookie (47:17)
Good night. Thank you.

Heather (47:17)
Good night.

Lana (47:18)
Thank you. Good

night. Have a good one.