From Burnout to Intimacy with Brianna Bass

In this episode, PolySoCal welcomes Brianna Bass, therapist and board certified clinical sexologist, for a deep, practical conversation about burnout, intimacy, nervous system regulation, and how relationship patterns show up under stress. Brianna shares insight from her neuroscience based approach, helping the panel unpack pursuer withdraw dynamics, emotional fatigue, boundaries, and how partners can become either energy drains or energy reservoirs.

The group explores real world challenges including work burnout, chronic exhaustion, communication breakdowns, jealousy patterns, and how intentional connection through the eight forms of intimacy can rebuild closeness. From scheduled quality time to financial intimacy, the episode stays grounded in lived experience, offering listeners concrete tools for navigating modern relationships, especially in ethical non monogamy.

 Alonzo Banx, Brianna Bass, Cupcake, Cookie, Noah, Lana, Jon, Patricia 

Transcript

Alonzo Banx (00:01)
Welcome back to the PolySoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks and tonight we have the amazing Rihanna Bass on deck with us. We've got a great crew. Hi everybody.

Lana (00:11)
Hello?

Patricia (00:11)
Okay.

Cookie (00:11)
Hello?

Noah (00:12)
Hey

there.

Jon (00:12)
Hello.

Cupcake (00:13)
See you!

Alonzo Banx (00:14)
Brianna, we're thrilled to have you here. Okay, let me see if I can get through this bio without totally messing it up. Brianna Bass is a therapist and board certified clinical sexologist and former corporate executive. She helps high functioning emotionally intelligent individuals and couples break patterns, heal relationships and transform their lives through direct no BS therapy.

BRIANA BASS (00:20)
You

Alonzo Banx (00:39)
Her work bridges emotional insight and real world impact, tackling everything from modern dating and burnout to intimacy, ambition and identity. That's a pretty cool bio. Okay, we're going to come back to you in just a second, but let's go around the room and everyone give a quick hi, say who you are. We've got some good couples in here tonight. Cupcake, you're up first. Because I like picking on you, that's why.

BRIANA BASS (00:52)
Thanks, thanks.

Cupcake (01:04)
Why? ⁓

Lana (01:05)
you

Cupcake (01:10)
So I'm a cupcake. I'm obviously a regular that I get teased on a lot. I am partnered to my husband who I've been married to for almost four years, which he now has an official partner as well. It's his first little...

dip. I don't know. I'm really nervous all of a sudden. I don't know why. And then also on the call are my other two partners Noah and Cookie.

Alonzo Banx (01:30)
Nice, well welcome, as always, and let's stay in that Polycool cookie. Say hi.

Cookie (01:34)
Hi, I am Cookie. I am the other pastry. We are part of a little polycule and we're still kind of new to this, but we've been really enjoying ourselves. And yeah, I'm not on as much as Cupcake and Noah, but I'm catching up. So maybe you'll see more of me soon.

Alonzo Banx (01:50)
And we always love having you on. Let's finish off that polycule Noah. Hi.

Noah (01:55)
Yeah, I'm Noah. I'm the other part of this whole pastry poli-cule.

Alonzo Banx (01:59)
Good to have you on tonight, Noah. Lana.

Lana (02:02)
Hello everybody, I'm Lana and I'm in a relationship with Blake and we are exploring, learning, expanding, looking forward to wonderful 2026.

Alonzo Banx (02:14)
And sorry Blake couldn't be with us tonight. John, say hello.

Jon (02:17)
Hello, I'm John. I am married to Patty, who's also on this call. I have a girlfriend named Heather, who is sometimes on the call, actually quite a bit on the call, but not tonight. And my metamor is Beeb, and he's also on this podcast occasionally. Married for 30, almost 30 years now. Been doing some version of E &M for about 31 to 32 years, somewhere in there.

Patricia (02:22)
to pay.

Jon (02:44)
Yeah, that's about us.

Alonzo Banx (02:45)
Good to have you, but now I get to the important person, my co-host and frequently on the cast for this, Patty. Say hi.

Patricia (02:51)
Hi! As John mentioned, will be in June. We'll celebrate 30 years of being married. And we have been dating Heather and Beeb for almost two years. I also have a newer relationship as well. So we have been in the ethical non-ethical monogamy lifestyle since I was 19 years old, so quite some time.

Alonzo Banx (03:13)
since

you were 19, so what's that, two and a half years now? Couple years. All right, Brianna, you got it. That was a bio, okay? So help me out. What did I miss and explain some of that to me?

Patricia (03:15)
Yeah, just a couple of years, that's it.

Lana (03:16)
I know.

BRIANA BASS (03:26)
Yeah, it's certainly a high bar as you read it. thought, man, I'm awesome. ⁓ Yeah, I'm a board certified clinical sexologist. help all shapes and sizes of people and backgrounds and walks of life. But I will say there's a little bit of a common denominator as far as they are very intellectually curious. They're typically people that can't just fall into status quo. They want more from life, which also comes in various shapes and sizes.

Jon (03:31)
You

Patricia (03:32)
Hehehehe

BRIANA BASS (03:53)
I work with lot of folks whose relationships are disconnected. They feel like they're broken. They feel like they're going down maybe a path that they want to redirect. And then a lot of issues around intimacy, sexless marriage, perimenopause, menopause, ED, performance anxiety, things like that as well. So a lot of biology and anatomical issues that play there too.

And I work coming from primarily neuroscience space. So, know, nervous system regulation and helping psychoeducate people on, you know, why their body betrays them and their brain betrays them. And, you know, what's at play here on, you know, the decisions that they're coming across on a day to day basis, which ultimately lead to being ensconced in various patterns. And those patterns are what get in our way of forming deep connections, healthy relationships, even with your work, you know, friends, you know, all that kind of pie of life.

So that's what I do.

Alonzo Banx (04:44)
Well, I know that the crew got a chance to do a deep dive into some of your background and appearances on other podcasts. And there was a bunch of people that had a bunch of questions for you. So I want to kind of open this up. Noah, you were quick with the hand there. Go ahead.

Noah (04:58)
Yeah, so I know that you work with a lot of clients who are like executive types in the corporate world. And you yourself, I believe, also spent some time in there. I'm wondering what some of the advice you give to some of your clients when it comes to dealing with burnout and in their relationships. So specifically around trying to have the energy and time.

For your relationships, you know, especially in the poly world, you know Not only do I have one partner, but I've got multiple partners I need to make sure that I'm giving them the attention that they need and don't always feel like I can Hoping I can get some insights

BRIANA BASS (05:37)
Yeah, of course. And you're right. You do have an extra layer there of sort of complexity, another plate spinning and to keep them all and is is no doubt challenging at times. And that is the thing, right, that it is challenging. So I think one owning that normalizing that right, because people do believe that relationships often are supposed to be natural, really a layup, easy button. That's what chemistry and compatible compatibility is. Right. But that's not true. That only sustains us for a certain

period of time, but in the movies, betrayed on TV is that sort of first part. So the truth is that, and when people sort of use the term, marriage takes work or relationships takes work, I think what they're trying to convey is that in the beginning, the things that kind of naturally allowed us just to sort of float along and it felt really good and easy and like that layup sort of start to dissipate. We get a little bit more away from them and things actually require.

deep dives into subject matters, talking about things like when I feel jealous or when I feel envy, then what happens or right at the end of a long day, what would it actually look like for my partner to show up in a way that I personally needed versus before you kind of just picked up the rug, you maybe brush it under, know, things like that. So I would say, you know, above all from the burnout conversation, especially in 2026, we all have all the plates spinning and

⁓ You know, we've got our feet multiple ponds with work and and everything like that, you know, of course I'm gonna say I'm a huge advocate for therapy Going and having a moderated conversation where you sit down and talk about what it is that you guys are facing In a way where each voice is heard, you know equitably Typically in relationships there are a lot of patterns and these are universal patterns for the most part If you were to identify those that would be an immediate needle mover on the burnout

and being able to still have deep connections and support your partners and yourself. So things like one party is typically the withdraw, they might get small. The other party might be the pursuer. So they come knocking more, right? So when there's something wrong, I can feel it's off. Like what's wrong? You're acting different. You're having, you know, they're the pursuer. They want to know, give me more information because the more data I have, the more insights I have about the situation, the more we can fix it and we can have a conversation about it. And a lot of times you have another party who

who wants to shrink. They either want to take time to themselves or they want to just sort of recede a little bit. So understanding your dynamics on how you guys just show up generally in the relationship. Then if we combine burnout with that, you've got like such an edge, such an edge, like way beyond the average couple or throuple.

Alonzo Banx (08:08)
That answer that for you Noah?

Noah (08:10)
Yeah, I think so. You know, I work for a huge Silicon Valley tech company and you know, the the intensity can be extreme on some some weeks, especially. And I'll be taking meetings all hours a day, I've got to wake up super early, but I might also be on a meeting at 11 o'clock at night so I can talk to India and Israel and wherever else right. And

And yeah, just trying to find the energy required to then come into our relationships with what they need has proven to be difficult, especially this week. been a rough week. So yeah, I think you've got some good insights there.

BRIANA BASS (08:45)
Yeah, I'd want to ask, right, your partners then, and you especially, I'd want to know, like when you are in those moments, when we've been on with India or Israel and we're feeling depleted and exhausted, you know, what do you need? Like, what would that tangibly look like? Not in theory, like literally, like what does that literally look like for them to touch you, engage with you, speak with you, show up for you? And I also wonder, right, if, and you guys might be having these conversations all the time, this might be very normal for you.

But on their end, right, I keep hearing you use this language of like, you know, how do I, how do I go them? I got to keep their plate spinning. I got to like, you know, I wonder if they really do feel that way. Or I wonder if the ways in which they perceive that you do support them are the ways in which you're hitting those buttons. You know, I don't know. Maybe they aren't as strong of energy expenditures. Maybe they could be your reservoir. So the opposite, right? Where you're completely just fucking depleted and tired and exhausted and from your partners, you draw breath.

you draw life, you draw peace, tranquility, reprieve, right? So I'd want to make sure that I can only speak for myself, but like we were figuring out as a team, you know, I'm in the moderator seat, you know, what that literally would look like, like on paper, if we were to draw it out, not like, you know, it sounds sort of kindergarten. I don't mean it like that. I just mean to get more concrete.

Noah (10:00)
Yeah, yeah, some good tips. Okay.

Alonzo Banx (10:02)
Lana, see you had something you wanted to say, but Cupcake, you put your hand up and back down. And Cookie, I want to know how what she just said resonates with you. So let's go to Cupcake first. Did you have something you wanted to say?

Cupcake (10:11)
you

Um, no, I was just gonna touch base that like, I really advocate couples therapy, even when you're not in like a bad point. Even my husband and I were just talking about it earlier today is we're about a year into couples therapy and just learning how to communicate better with each other because we are exactly what you were saying. You know, a, a strawler and a fixer and

You know, it's been struggle for, we have a good relationship, but when we don't, you know, see eye to eye on something or we have an argument that he is much more of withdrawal or needs to take time. And I'm much more like, well, why don't we just solve this right now? Like, I just want to fix it right now so we can move on. And so we had to figure out how to have those points and where to meet each other in those points where I'm the person that needs reassurance and he necessarily needs to take time to rethink and

kind of calm down or whatever it may be. But just even just something that we've been doing lately is, you you're in a relationship for a long time, you live with each other, you go about your days working and your schedules and your routines and you become very complacent in what you're doing and finding time that we're like purposely scheduling time to spend together. Whether it's sitting and watching a show or sitting and playing a game together or taking the dogs for a walk, but we schedule it now.

as it's something that this is what we're doing right now because it's not gonna be, you know, it's part of our routine now. And I feel like it has made just a little bit of a difference in the last like few weeks that we've been doing it.

BRIANA BASS (11:41)
Yeah, what you're talking about is so one, yeah, I'm glad that you understood or you resonated with the withdraw or pursuer. And again, like these, kind of are, I can't say entirely because of course there's nuance with everything, mostly universal. So most of us can identify to some extent. If I got into like the way deeper layers, I can almost guarantee you that you would. And yeah, I hear you. I love pursuers. You come from such a beautiful place. You just want it to be better. You just don't want it to feel like it does right now.

and they're the most beautiful, sweetest people, but it can be hard when you get into conflict with a withdraw, all you want to do then is knock harder at the door because they're not opening up. And if this is how you fight for someone, how you show up for someone in conflict, you often, your nervous system will interpret them as caring less because they're not fighting for this in the way that I would. And if I were acting like them, I'd be apathetic. If I were acting like them, I wouldn't care anymore because that would be such a switch for you.

So often, right, we internalize things through our own lens, our own heart. So that's what I meant by knowing how you show up in those ways and those sort of patterns, how your partner does, which may be radically different than how you do. So now we've already resolved the internalization that we have, because that put us, now we're already fucked because we're already getting it wrong out the gate, right? So nailing down some of the stuff, just such, such an advantage, huge edge, like probably one of the biggest starting parts.

to hear you describe yourselves and kind of know already, this is our dynamic and this is what happens when there's a little bit of a rupture or tear. I mean, that's awesome. And then the other thing I heard you describe is, I talk about this a lot, which are the eight forms of intimacy. Because people often think it's just sex or physical touch. That is two of the eight, that is two. But there's six other ones that aren't involving physical touch or sex. And pouring into,

All eight makes such a difference. And that's kind of what I heard you describing as well. I know that it was scheduled and you found like structure around it, which is what you guys needed. But I also hear you talking about like, we're seeing things improve because we're investing in like eight different forms.

Alonzo Banx (13:41)
Cookie, what are your thoughts?

Cookie (13:42)
⁓ Yeah,

I guess yeah relating to what Noah struggles with and what Noah said I think Like an interesting challenge that kind of comes up especially that is kind of magnified by having multiple partners and Kind of figuring out boundaries. I feel like I've been kind of late to the whole boundaries thing. It really went a long time just people-pleasing Not putting those down just draining myself. Just thinking I just got to get through it. Just gotta gotta handle it and

I feel like I've been improving there, but it has been an interesting experience to have, say, Noah, my partner, who works really hard and deals a lot with fatigue and tiredness and just not a lot of energy. know, sometimes Cupcake has, you know, some heavy emotional needs, you know. There's different kinds of like heavy support. And obviously I know that a lot of that is on them to kind of figure out how to manage. But I also kind of am

always kind of conflicted, like I could be supporting them, I could be helping them. It's not always obvious how, and I try to like offer things up. And it's one of those things where it's really hard to just have a conversation about that, because it's kind of like everyone might have ideas of what might make them feel better and what might rejuvenate them. But it's like nobody really has big answers on that. And so do you have like...

good techniques or approaches for kind of rendering out better solutions for managing that and means of kind of defining where the line stops for me to be helping them and where the line begins for them to need to be helping themselves.

BRIANA BASS (15:14)
Yeah, well, one, let me normalize for you. If I was in that situation and I asked a partner or someone asked me or for my couples that I work with, you know, they went to their partner and said, you know, what do you need from me right now? It's probably not going to work. That other party isn't going to know what to say. That's like a really abstract question. They're already kind of in the exhaustion and in the depletion. It feels like another kind of task or for no one to like get it right.

because then he's passing it to you, and then if it doesn't work, it's clunky. So let me normalize that that's actually very difficult. So if you guys are going about it that way, or generally most people would, that's why that's not like, we're not figuring it out. So that's totally fair. So instead, I wonder, and just correct me if you guys have already had this conversation asking Noah,

When, you if we can't ask him, what do you need in this moment? Cause that doesn't really work. You know, when do you feel rest? I'd still, I'd start with wanting to understand what rest looks like for him. Right. So that's, that's separate from you just when, when do you feel rest and then continue from there. Right. So now I'm starting to understand my partner. This is what rest looks like to him. Okay. And when do you feel

When do you feel tranquility? That's a little bit different than rest, right? What does recovery look like for you? So we learn him first. Okay, now we've gathered all this kind of information. We like understand him and how he operates. And when do you feel the most supported by me? When have you felt the most supported by me? So we could start with the past to then sort of formulate how I go from here. Since we couldn't just straight up ask, what do you need from me right now? You know, probably gonna say like nothing, I'm just.

you know, like what's for dinner or something, So those are some core, like fundamental foundational places I'd probably kickstart things.

Cookie (16:58)
Yeah, and I'd say like, I've been with him for long enough to kind of recognize when he's at least closer to there, right? Like, I don't know still if he's really been in a place where he is truly super well rested, like for an extended period of time. Like, that's almost like a difficult state for me to recognize. And I'm not even sure, I'm not sure if he'd agree with me, but it seems like a difficult thing to achieve.

And I, again, I know a lot of that work is on him. I know a lot of that comes from his past, a really high stress past, even before all of this work stuff. But yeah, guess beyond just kind of recognizing it, I guess, is there a better way to kind of open that dialogue as far as him giving me feedback on a regular?

Is scheduling check-ins really that effective for that or like, just in the moment, just as it comes up, you just got to do it then, right? That's pretty much it. Yeah.

BRIANA BASS (17:56)
The scheduling check-ins,

it works for some and definitely doesn't work for others. So that's not a catch-all by any means. It also can be very unrealistic and impractical. And then that's when we get another failure under our belt. Well, now that's not sort of working, right? So we don't want any more of that. That's why I always start with normalizing stuff, not to placate you or be like, why don't we make you feel fuzzy? That's, I think, quite important to know.

Cookie (18:02)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

BRIANA BASS (18:23)
Yeah, as far as kind of opening up the dialogue and things, I mean, have you had the conversations like I was talking about where, you know, we investigate to understand, you know, maybe it's not the way that it is in this moment, but you know, what has it looked like when those things have been a part of his life? That alone, right? And I hear you saying, you know, they don't really seem to be right now. And how do I check in with that? And how do I whatever?

Essentially, once you get that data, once you get that information, once you get that deeper understanding of your partner, and then you start to get into the like, well, when do I support you most? Then right, the third layer, I guess, where I would have gone with that, you know, more advanced would be, you know, how do I integrate that now? This is when you this is when I felt most supported for me. This is when I felt like the most, you know, in this particular context of whatever you guys are talking about the burnout or talking about like

infidelity, you're talking about like whatever it looks like for you and your personal rules and arrangements. This applies to like anything. Yeah, like once you got, know, when you did show up in those kinds of ways, you know, how do I integrate that now? And then we want to get as specific as possible. You know, no abstract, you know, what would that look like? Like when I think of last Tuesday, when you said this and you came home and this and it had been a 12 hour day and this happened, like what would that have looked like on that day, on that Tuesday?

and getting those kinds of insights, I think are really helpful. Then we're avoiding like live in the moment, having those kinds of conversations. There's still stuff live in the moment you can certainly do, but that would be for him to answer. Because you're right, he is a part in this. You're only empowered with what you're empowered with. he's got to answer these questions. And if the answer is I don't know, that's totally okay. But he would need to come back with some kind of clarity.

Lana (19:45)
Thank

Yeah.

Alonzo Banx (20:02)
Sounds like need for some much deeper conversation down that path.

Cookie (20:05)
Thank you

Alonzo Banx (20:06)
Cookie, you feel good with that cupcake?

I'm gonna move it over to Lana. You had something you wanted to ask a while back and I kind of put you off.

Lana (20:12)
It's okay. I have a question about our relationship with Blake. So we committed to driving relationship and 2026, our word for 2026 just evolving and deep in our relationship. Can you advise us on top of that eight forms of intimacy? Do you know other tools so we can just...

dig in and practice.

BRIANA BASS (20:39)
yeah, you said you guys were doing the eight forms of intimacy already. Is that what I heard you say?

Lana (20:44)
just some of them we are practicing, yes. Not all of them, but some, yeah.

BRIANA BASS (20:47)
Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. And what makes you all have an affinity or be, you know, upholding some of them, but not all? I'm curious about the ones that are sort of

Lana (21:01)
We

are learning, we are new to each other in relationship and we are learning and expanding. So we are from different backgrounds and trying to just learn about each other and learn how to communicate and how just have little pieces in the puzzle and just create this private relationship.

BRIANA BASS (21:27)
Yeah, if I'm hearing you correctly, you all are wanting to do things right. You're wanting to do them right. Yeah, I hear you. I hear your beautiful heart wanting them to go well and to be successful and you want your connection to deepen. Yeah, a great starting place for that would be the eight forms of intimacy. So the ones that you're not doing, do them. Some of those eight forms of intimacy

are You know about conversation about getting to deeper layers. They're about intellectual connection. They're about future planning. So literally saying what national park do you want to visit or It could be something even so less significant than that But some sort of future something that you're looking forward to even getting involved with his business or him involved in your business Whatever you guys do for work or whatever

things like that, but something that involves sort of an anchor in the future and to talk about those sort of subjects. You're essentially, when you do the eight forms of intimacy, you're just sort of firing off these sort of different things inside of us that get touched in these sort of different ways. And one does not hit all of them, like sex, for example, doesn't hit all of them at all. that's something that I ⁓ tell a lot of my clients. I know it's kind of cheesy and it feels sort of cheesy, but

You've seen the card games at the stores. There's Esser Perel and like 30 million other ones. I don't know if you guys have done those, but they are fantastic for people that are what you just described, which is I want to step into his skin more, vice versa. I want to do this right. Because what I love about those cards is that they touch on light stuff, like some levity, like, Lana, what's your favorite dessert? And who made that for you?

or something like that, right? So now I get to hear about when you were growing up, maybe in another country and what that culture was like and things like that. So that's kind of fun. But then we also talk about things like, yeah, like when his betrayal showed up in your life the most and do you see that showing up today in how you perceive you and I, right? So now we're like, whoa, conversation change.

So this also counts as a couple of the forms of intimacy in the eight. So if you guys didn't feel corny doing it, those cards, I can't recommend enough because it's not a game. There's no game. There's no score. It's nothing. It's just conversation starters to get 10 layers deep and they escalate. So it's very appropriate for, you know, I'm a few months into this. I'm a year into this. I'm two years into this. It applies. I'm 30 years into this. It applies.

Lana (23:58)
Thank you. We truly love the cards. We have Esther Perel and we have other ones. We love them. Yeah. Thank you.

BRIANA BASS (24:02)
you have them. ⁓ good. Okay. Yeah,

so you like the Esther Perel one. So you know what I'm talking about with how, you know, you've got the, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the next thing you know, you're like, well, my dad left and it's dark and someone's crying. I don't know. But you know, that's the point is it's, it's, you know, all angles. Where do you feel, yeah, sorry.

Lana (24:10)
Exactly. Yeah.

We did this Go ahead

We did play cards with Piper and John. So, Go ahead. Yeah.

BRIANA BASS (24:23)
⁓ yeah.

⁓ bold fun.

Alonzo Banx (24:29)
Okay, I've got to enter John Patty, I'm not letting you off the hook tonight. You're gonna gonna be talking in a second. Brianna, explain the eight forms of intimacy to me. I don't know them. What are the eight forms?

BRIANA BASS (24:39)
Yeah.

⁓

Alonzo Banx (24:41)
and I got to tell you, I don't know what they are. So please make me smarter human.

BRIANA BASS (24:46)
Okay, so eight forms of intimacy. So emotional, okay, meaning I'm off the cuff gonna try to define all of these for you guys and make it as practical as possible. emotional meaning I'm very vulnerable in this space. I feel sad about something or I'm experiencing something, right? I'm let down, I'm disappointed by my

friend and discussing that with them is an emotional form of intimacy. It doesn't have to be just about them or you all, your relationship. So it doesn't have to be about what's not going well or anything like that. It's just communicating to them something that's on the inside and you're choosing to take it out on the outside, right? Or maybe this grows over time. So that's what's great about these eight forms is that

they don't apply to beginning, middle or later stages at all. They're all the time. So perhaps as time goes on with the emotional intimacy piece, it escalates, right? Or it evolves, meaning at the beginning you shared, you know, this piece, but maybe not why that was so meaningful for you. And then a couple months from then, as your connection has deepened, then, when you share, you then go a layer deeper or something like that, right?

That's emotional intimacy. The next is physical intimacy. This is non-sexual touch. This is a back massage. This is holding hands. This is physical touch without an expectation of some sort of finish line or something. Fine if it turns that way, you don't lose points in the physical intimacy category, but it's watching a Netflix show and instead of sitting side by side,

You know, your legs are overlapping or something, but that's physical intimacy. It's just non-penetrative, non-sexual in that way. I help a lot of people with that because a lot of men will get that one wrong. And the partner feels that any make out or kitchen butt slap or something is going to have a price tied to it of taking it all the way. And sometimes partners just want to be caressed and seen and touched.

and cared for and nurtured physically without all of the additional things. And so you wanna be careful that you integrate physical intimacy also without it potentially sort of leading to sex. It's also easy for people to feel objectified or used even in a committed partnership that they love that other person, but if sex always is where it goes. There's some sort of underlying communication and internalization that's very common with that.

And because it changes from this person just wants me because they want me they just want to make out with me to experience me versus they want to make out with me and then at least the sex because like they could orgasm from that or something right which now we've introduced the other parties sort of What they get so the physical intimacy is beautiful and unique and that it may just sort of be Have ⁓

something that doesn't end in some sort of measurable somebody got something out of it, is what I'm saying. And then we have sexual, which that one's straightforward. Intellectual, intellectual intimacy, right? Now we're talking about maybe buzzy topics or subjects that require us to use our brains and think critically about things. And we're learning about how they think about maybe these hot-blooded topics. As an example,

or you all could even do something that requires intellectual strength together. But that's a lever to pull. Experiential, this is taking a trip together, that kind of stuff. We're experiencing something together, right? We're looking at art together. This is something that you and I are both doing live in the moment that we're experiencing firsthand. So not one party does something and they share it with you, but it's both at the time shared experiential. And this can be quite small.

So it can literally be going down the street to look at something. None of this stuff has to get big or expensive or even time costly. The next is spiritual. That was pretty straightforward. What grounds them? How do they feel about energies? How do they feel connected? Now you're playing in the intellectual space as well. But how do we connect our

Spirituality, what does that look like for us? Are we Christian? Are we this or a Muslim? Are we what are we and how does that show up for us? Well, how do we do the spiritual thing between? each other The next is creative So this is it could be doesn't need to get big you don't need to have an artistic eye you can just Make a meal together or even you chop things and they do whatever which is experiential But it's also creative in nature because we're building something together So take a paint and wine class or do something stupid. It doesn't matter. I mean

Whatever, play a video game that requires some sort of collaboration, but doing something creative together. mean, decorate your house or redo the guest bath. But anything that falls into that creative space, if you've got kids, the world is your oyster as far as some of that stuff is concerned. And the last one, which is surprising, is financial. So there's a lot of intimacy and closeness and disconnection and drifting that comes from finances.

Seeing yourselves as perhaps a unified team, one front as far as finances are concerned, talking about them, what you want them to look like, how you feel about them, how you interact with finances, all of that is another form of intimacy.

Alonzo Banx (29:52)
Greta, that was absolutely beautiful. That was very well stated. Thank you. I honestly didn't know those and that was awesome. Patty, and there was a couple of them in there with the Noah cookie cupcake. You were just smiling and giggling away there. I think it was the physical connection one that got the most reaction. there you go. But Patty, John, you've been super quiet tonight.

BRIANA BASS (29:54)
thanks.

cool. Good.

Lana (30:13)
⁓

Patricia (30:17)
Yeah, we have. I didn't know about the eight types of intimacy And one of the things that it dawned on me is like the finances sometimes can be, I never realized it can bring you together because sometimes it could definitely pull you apart and be very contentious. Ring of arguments, you know, because there's

Jon (30:34)
You

Patricia (30:37)
more than one right way to tackle finances. Sometimes that can be difficult when you have two people who are very opinionated on how things should be handled. So I know John and I always have to work extra hard for that. And we've been together since I was 19 years old. And I think for us, we have done therapy

off and on through our whole marriage. And it's not because, our marriage is bad, it's the opposite. It's like maintenance for me, right? Like for me, like a tune-up and oil change, or, you know, just to refresh things and learn new ways to communicate and learn how to, you know, undo, you know, things that we've brought from childhood into our marriage and learn new ways to connect with each other.

One of the most helpful therapies I think that we have done was through a place that used the Gottman method. And I had never heard of it at the time. And we have done all kinds of different therapy and it just seemed like we were just ⁓ complaining about everyday stresses, right? Not really tackling the core issues. And when we did the Gottman method, because it was so structured and we had homework, we were actively working together on things.

⁓ it really was helpful to bring us both together. And then the other thing that I think works really well for John and I is to have an adventure together, right? It could be traveling somewhere, which is hard to do for financial reasons and things like that, but it doesn't have to be anywhere far. And the other thing is...

more of like lifestyle things because we are doing something a little more erratic together. We're experiencing something together. That has seemed to be something that really is, we've gotten a lot out of that. Being kind of on an adventure, a kinky adventure together has been something that really spices things up and things that we look forward to.

You think, Jonathan.

Jon (32:38)
I was just looking back at the cross.

Alonzo,

you're mute right now.

Alonzo Banx (32:43)
And from what we see in your background right now, you two are kind of on an adventure today. Yeah.

Jon (32:44)
Yeah.

Patricia (32:47)
We are, yes. And we're running a little late, so we're logging in from our

adventurous place right now.

Alonzo Banx (32:54)
And that is why we love you. John, go ahead.

Patricia (32:57)
you

Jon (32:57)
Yeah, actually something that was said much earlier maybe a little bit nervous I'm gonna try to take you on a really quick but long ride when I my first relationship I was super super jealous and I found that's kind of when I've learned that you can you will discover anything that you're looking for and I was looking for reasons to be jealous in that relationship and I found them I Constantly found them whether or not they made sense or not

Patricia (33:11)
you

Jon (33:21)
⁓ after that I kind of threw that away and like that part of me and so I try to get rid of it as quickly as possible and And so what I'm finding now with with Noah's question about About how to manage time and and there was a comment that you had made about People being a reservoir of energy and something that you can tap into and stuff. Whatever. I I think that

I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if it's the people I've met, the women that are in my life or what it is, but I feel like they are these reservoirs of energy for me. But I don't know if that's because I've been looking for it and I look for that in the relationship. Like that's what I lean on when I'm with both Heather and Patty, that I look for these things, like I look for those positive things and I get those energies from them. But what makes me nervous is that

Maybe that means that I'm the drain. Does that mean that I'm the one that's being a drain on everybody else? I mean, like, I'm like the one person that's not realizing that. ⁓ And how would I, besides asking Patty directly right now, how would I know if I'm that person to somebody else?

Patricia (34:31)
You're not the drain, I'm sorry. Maybe me, but no, you're not. Pain in the ass sometimes, yes, not a drain though.

Jon (34:32)
I'm so glad Heather's not on. Hey, this has nothing to do with it.

Alonzo Banx (34:37)
You

Brianna, thoughts.

BRIANA BASS (34:49)
Yeah, not what one what John wants to hear. I was going to say it would be impossible to know without involving her and asking her it would be impossible. If only there was a way not to we'd all you know, life would be easier. But yeah, it would be it would have to be asking her you know, when when it when I'm tired or I'm exhausted or whatever it is it looks like for you guys. And you know, I come to you I feel

Some release I feel like seeing and you're supportive in these ways and it's a nice breath of fresh air and instead of draining me more from my day, actually have some reprieve in that. And you are an energy reservoir as you said and ⁓ I'm so grateful and appreciative of that. It helps me when I'm down and feel like I can't see straight for X, Y and Z reason.

I can imagine you have similar circumstances on your end sometimes, you know, one, what's that like for you when I come to you in those spaces? Am I taking from you? And now you have a depletion? You what does that mean? And then what happens when you're feeling down and whatever that looks like for her and what what would I need to do then? Like, what's ideal? How do you come back up? And how do I do that with you? Yeah, you'd have to ask.

Jon (36:03)
Do you think though that you can focus on those things? you almost make the person that you're with be a reservoir of energy if you're looking for that in them? Or do you think that there's a quality of the relationship that would define that sort of?

BRIANA BASS (36:18)
Both, I think that some people naturally are gonna sort of show up in certain kind of ways. But above all, if I had to sort of assign percentages, I'd say 90%, 80 % that was the relationship dynamic. Because the same two people can be drains on each other and just, you we've all probably been there. And then two other people and they have this sort of yin and yang thing happening. And one does make the other one feel more alive and vice versa, or when they're down, they're up.

and whatever that looks like. It could be in silence, it just depends. But I would say the relationship, the partnership itself, that particular, almost like an X factor, it's kind of hard to measure for ahead of time. It'd be hard to even evaluate a person for that. At least on paper, you'd really just have to spend time with them to know, oh, this person fills my cup. This person lifts me when I come here. So yeah, I think it's attributed to the relationship dynamic.

Alonzo Banx (37:10)
Yeah, Patty. No, I see you have your hand up, but Patty, you look like you want to say something real quick.

Patricia (37:13)
But maybe after Noah, I would love to hear what questions Brianna might have for our group because I we're all pretty well established, but I'd love to hear what she's curious about.

Alonzo Banx (37:24)
Well, you can tell you're the co-host. The next thing I was about to say is, as we start running out of time, Noah, I'm going to give you your question, then Brianna is going to give you a chance to ask us anything you wanted to, if anyone else had a question that they had to get in before I pass the microphone over to Brianna. Throw your hand up now, but thank you, Patty. Noah, go ahead.

Patricia (37:26)
you

Noah (37:44)
Yeah, thanks. It, you know, take as much time as you need, I suppose, and my question because it's mine, and I'm very important. But no, you know, I'm going to change the the pace of things are not the pace, but the subject a little bit here. I want to talk about and this is close to me because I've had multiple partners now.

Jon (37:50)
What?

Noah (38:05)
I have had multiple partners with basically what I would call chronic pain in their life, often having to do with the reproductive organs, not always, but how can I, as a partner who doesn't experience this kind of thing, support them in a way that is useful and supportive?

Because I feel helpless.

BRIANA BASS (38:24)
Yeah, radical understanding, radical understanding of them and, you know, yeah, things like reassurance and then, you know, what does it look like to be a teammate with them? Because that's up to their perception. That's all subjective. Do they want you researching? Do they want, does it feel like you're in the fight with them and that feels good to them? You know, what is it that makes them feel like you're here with me? You know, this is an our issue, not just a me issue.

But yeah, menopause happens to everyone and that is a form of what you're referencing. And to talk about rarity versus commonality, well, that's not rare. That happens to everyone. So, you know, with very few exceptions and that's painful, you know, potentially in several other things. So yeah, it's under talked about, yeah, talking about rarity and commonality, ⁓ menopause hits on some of those things that you were describing.

and couldn't be more common.

Noah (39:21)
Mm-hmm.

Alonzo Banx (39:22)
Brian, as we start getting towards the end of our time together tonight, I have a feeling this conversation could go on quite a bit longer. But let me open the floor up to you. Now that you've gotten to know some of our crew here tonight, any burning questions in your head for us?

BRIANA BASS (39:36)
⁓ yeah, I do, because that's what I thought was happening. So I do actually have questions for you all. ⁓

Alonzo Banx (39:43)
But we've got about

10 more minutes, so.

BRIANA BASS (39:46)
Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna give you the one that I had my list. I had 10. So this is one. So this is a selfish one. Okay, let see here. Okay, when someone first seeks therapy,

Alonzo Banx (39:50)
you

BRIANA BASS (39:58)
No, nevermind. your experience, what tends to bring even more basic, this is my most basic question. From your experience, what tends to bring people to therapy around poly relationships? Confusion, insecurity, identity shifts, or something else. I'm thinking like boundary confusion, mismatch of expectations, identity disorientation. So if you can think back for yourselves, if you were to, if you didn't, seek therapy at sort of the commencement.

what would you have been looking for?

Alonzo Banx (40:26)
Well, Patty and John both are dying to say something, but I'm going to tell you from this show's perspective, lack of communication is the thing that we... ⁓ there you go. Sorry, John. I still hear it. John, please take over.

Jon (40:35)
Okay.

I was going to say the exact same thing. ⁓ It was usually a breakdown of communication in some sort where it was like, all right, something's not right. Like we're in this like very complicated relationship and super Bolly and things are going right in some ways and things are going kind of sideways in other ways. And we just needed more tools than we had in our toolbox. So.

Definitely it was communication kind of issues that brought us in.

Alonzo Banx (41:02)
Patty?

Patricia (41:02)
I would agree with that. And I know from my experience, when we have these other relationships, any insecurity or any miscommunication or any baggage all gets put right out there. It's like almost being forced to figure out what's going on. Jealousy, not...

not keeping your partner in the loop the entire time. I know for John and I, we ended up back in therapy because I had kind of an unexpected relationship, not infidelity. It was consensual, but I wasn't always, the relationship progressed quickly and John didn't have time to catch up. And we had a lot of trauma around that. And it really was a turning point in our relationship because it

forced us to be like, okay, we really need to work on how we're communicating with each other. And that was on both John and I. He wants to allow me to do all of these things, even if it's at his own expense. And so he had to learn to be like, okay, no, I'm not okay with that. And I had to be like, I had to tell him everything that's going on in that relationship so it's not catching him off guard.

and giving him time to process along that line. So that was kind of a traumatic but also helpful experience. If I can call it helpful, John, because it really forced us to communicate on a much different level. We still look back and think, ⁓ God, I should have done things so differently. And so I'm so, I try to be really mindful now.

moving forward, was a huge learning experience for me.

Alonzo Banx (42:41)
One of the things we've said many times in this podcast, when you come into the poly community, if you're not really good at communication, you become really good at communication or you don't stay in the poly community very long. I mean, it really is the cornerstone of everything we do and every conversation comes back around to communication is the core of doing what we do. But who else had an answer for Brianna? Cupcake? Noah? Lana?

No?

BRIANA BASS (43:08)
Mmm, okay.

Do you, this might be taboo to ask. Do you, offensive then, not taboo, offensive. I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, I'm wondering for, I don't know how to word it, but people that think they want the live cell and they don't, I don't know if there's like, know, something that you,

Alonzo Banx (43:13)
⁓ we don't have many of those. Go ahead. That's good too. We're good with all of the above.

Patricia (43:15)
Okay. Okay.

Noah (43:22)
offend me.

Jon (43:23)
you

BRIANA BASS (43:33)
see in those individuals? Are they looking to fix something

and instead they are confusing that they want a lifestyle that they, yeah, and instead it's like, let me fill this void. Something wasn't working before. Let me try this on for size or a place of expansion, genuinely. What do you see from people that come in and then are like, nevermind that.

Patricia (43:39)
you you

Alonzo Banx (43:55)
Well, I won't jump on anyone's answer this time, but John Cookie was up before you. So

Cookie, go ahead.

Cookie (44:01)
⁓ Yeah, so I feel like it's interesting because I have an ex-husband. I had a monogamous relationship. And I would say like I was the very avoidant one. And for a long time I would have liked to kind of do this, but I had a lot of trouble communicating with my ex-husband. We just had a dynamic that made it very hard. I would shrink myself.

we could never really get over this whole pattern of just triggering each other. And we really tried for a while, but it didn't really work out. I, you know, after, when I met Noah, I realized, you know, this is a person I can trust. This is a person I can open up to.

Even just meeting someone like that and realizing I could have that dynamic almost opened up the possibility of, I could meet more people like this, like that in itself was very expansive.

Patricia (44:44)
Like.

Cookie (44:52)
I also don't really take like a purity approach to be like, to declare you are monogamous at any point or you have a relationship type and you must progress through life only within that box. That was...

That was something I felt like I was forced into early, but kind of always questioned. And I found myself in monogamous relationships before that, before I really let myself expand into it. would have cheats of sorts

Patricia (45:18)
I'm

Cookie (45:19)
because I, know, authentically inside me, I clearly wanted to go in that direction. And I...

felt like ⁓ meeting Noah and getting the chance to actually consensually have that kind of relationship felt right. It just kind of clicked for me. And I imagine for a lot of people, this would be a similar experience, but it's kind of hard to know until you've had it. And I think even just having the curiosity is kind of almost

Patricia (45:31)
Okay.

Cookie (45:45)
all that it takes to kind of let you know, that might be something worth exploring. ⁓ And having hard rules on ourself that we're not allowed to explore that is...

Patricia (45:46)
Okay. Okay.

Cookie (45:55)
is hard. Like I feel like this is something that with certain people, certain partners who may be open together, this could be worked out. ⁓ I feel like this is hopefully it's not necessarily a compromise when it happens, but I feel like this is something that that's beautiful that could be built and added on to a relationship if it's the right, you know,

Alonzo Banx (46:14)
John, did you have an answer for Brianna's question?

Patricia (46:15)
Okay.

Jon (46:16)
Yeah, so I hope I'm hearing the question right, but ⁓

I think for me what I've noticed is mostly it's men who jump into this lifestyle hoping for threesomes, hoping and are often very selfish, right? So there's a certain kind of like self-centeredness that you'll see in the lifestyle sometimes where they come in and they're like, give me all the girls, let's go, let's do this and stuff or whatever. And they are

woefully wrong about that experience when they dig in, right? Like, they find out the harsh reality that his girlfriend, his wife, is way more popular than he is ever gonna be. those people tend to like turn right around and be like, my God, no, no, no, no. Like that was too much for me. I can't handle it. But that's what I find.

Alonzo Banx (47:01)
Absolutely. The one I got to add to that, to Brianna, is the, this is going to fix our relationship. We've all seen that one a thousand times where, and it's normally led by a male dynamic, which was exactly what John was just explaining and the partner going along because this is going to fix us. Or the other one I've heard is I'm doing this for the children so we stay together.

Jon (47:07)
video.

Alonzo Banx (47:25)
Yeah.

Brianna, tell us about you. How can people find you? Where can they get more? You put out some really good stuff tonight. Tell people how they can get more information about you and where they can reach you at.

BRIANA BASS (47:35)
place would be my website which is just BriannaBass.org. It's one in so B-R-I-A-N-A Bass B-A-S-S dot org. There's everything you could need there. Instagram is BriannaBassTherapy and yeah that covers it. I do a lot of podcasts so if you search me I'll come up on think this is maybe 40th or 35th or something like that this year so you'll find me. You'll find me.

Alonzo Banx (47:58)
Wow.

Anyone else have any last comments for Brianna before we let her go?

Jon (48:04)
Thank you.

Alonzo Banx (48:04)
time.

Noah (48:05)
Thank you so

Cookie (48:06)
Thank you

Noah (48:06)
much.

Cookie (48:06)
so much.

Patricia (48:06)
Thank

you for sharing with us and walking us through things.

BRIANA BASS (48:08)
Yeah, for sure.

Alonzo Banx (48:11)
Brianna, last... Any... sorry, Lona. Brianna, any last words before we say goodnight?

BRIANA BASS (48:12)
Yeah, for sure.

Lana (48:12)
great conversation.

Thank you.

BRIANA BASS (48:18)
Nope, I appreciate how welcoming everyone was and how you all shared and know about his like, you know, some stuff and you know, the cookie as well. I mean, there were definitely some moments where you were like, hey, like my story hasn't been perfect. This is like what's happened to me. So I appreciate you guys showing up in that way.

Alonzo Banx (48:35)
Well, thank you. I am Alonzo Banks. This has been the PolysoCal Podcast. Cupcake, Patty, John, Cookie, Noah, Lana, and the amazing Brianna Bass. Thank you for being here tonight, everyone. Have a good night.

Cupcake (48:49)
Good night. ⁓

Cookie (48:49)
Good night.

Patricia (48:50)
Thank

Lana (48:50)
Good

night.