Sex and Connection with Kevin Anthony

In this episode, PolySoCal welcomes Kevin Anthony (Certified Sexologist, Tantra Counselor, NLP Practitioner, and host of The Love Lab Podcast) for an open, practical conversation about intimacy, communication, and emotional connection.

Kevin breaks down common challenges like performance anxiety, delayed orgasm, finishing too quickly, and how porn conditioning impacts real relationships. The panel shares personal experiences while Kevin offers grounded tools around arousal awareness, partner communication, and reframing sex as collaboration rather than performance.

The episode balances vulnerability with education, emphasizing that intimacy works best when partners stay curious, communicate early, and approach sex as something they build together.

 Alonzo (Victor) Banx, Kevin Anthony, Noah, Max, Heather, Psy 

https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com

https://www.powerandmastery.com

Host of The Love Lab Podcast
Kevin Anthony Coaching Youtube Channel

Transcript

Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks. Tonight we have the amazing Kevin Anthony in house along with Noah, Max, Heather, Sy. Welcome to another great night, everyone. Hi.

Heather (00:13)
Hi.

Noah (00:14)
Hello.

Max (00:14)
Hello?

Alonzo Banx (00:15)
Kevin, we are thrilled to have you here. A couple of people on our cast here have been talking about you all week waiting for you to get on this show, but let me read your bio first. Kevin Anthony is a certified sexologist, tantra counselor, NLP practitioner, and love, sex, and relationship coach for over 10 years. He has worked with both men, women, and couples to help them build the relationship of their dreams.

and experience the very best intimacy of their lives. He is also the host of the Love Lab podcast and the creator of Kevin Anthony Coaching YouTube channel, the founder of the online course Power and Mastery, along with several other programs designed for both men and women. Did we get it all in there, Kevin?

Kevin Anthony (00:57)
You did great job. .

Alonzo Banx (01:07)
Okay, let's go around the room real quick and see
who we've got on tonight. Mr. Noah, say hi.

Noah (01:13)
Hey, I'm Noah. I am in a relationship with two women, Cookie and Cupcake, and happy to be here talking with Kevin.

Alonzo Banx (01:22)
And good to have you in there tonight. Unfortunately, the pastries couldn't be with us tonight. Max, you're up.

Max (01:29)
So I'm Max, I'm the resident, demisexual single submissive male who is open to poly and, hypnosis is a big kink of mine has been for really long time. So I'm going to grill you about MLP. Cause I'm curious.

Kevin Anthony (01:42)
50th

Alonzo Banx (01:45)
And so it's good to have you,

Kevin Anthony (01:45)
.

Alonzo Banx (01:47)
Max. Heather, say hi.

Heather (01:49)
Hi,

I'm Heather, a huge fan. I've been listening to the Love Lab since 2023. I am engaged to Patty. I have my husband, Bieber's, and I'm also dating Patty's husband, John.

Alonzo Banx (02:03)
Welcome, Heather. Yeah? Hi. Welcome back. Not a voice we get on often.

Heather (02:04)
We're in a polycool.

Psi (02:11)
thank you. Happy to be here. I'm Psy and I am polysensual and monogamish and currently not in relationship. Single.

Alonzo Banx (02:21)
Max, your hand went up quick tonight. But before I get to you, we've got to let Kevin say hello and finish out that bio. Tell us a little more about yourself.

Kevin Anthony (02:31)
Well, first of all, thank you for having me on the show. And you you pretty much covered it all in the bio. You know, I've

been, well, it's almost 15 years now. I think it's almost a little over 15. I should probably update that bio. says it for over 10 years, but I've been working with men, women, and couples at helping them have what I call the relationship of their dreams and the best sex of their life. So I'm doing this full time every day, coaching people, doing YouTube videos, creating podcasts all around topics of sex, love, and relationship. It is the work I've been called to do and I love doing it. So I'm happy to be here.

Alonzo Banx (03:06)
And you've had your own podcast going for a while now. You're up to what? Episode 300 and something?

Kevin Anthony (03:11)
Yep, tomorrow I will be recording 387. So yeah, I think I started in 2018 and coming up on 400 episodes real soon.

Alonzo Banx (03:17)
Wow.

That is pretty awesome. Well, welcome to our show. We're thrilled to have you tonight. Max, go ahead.

Max (03:32)
Hypno is a big kink of mine. I just got back from my first ever Hypnosis Kink convention. It was great. It's called Charmed. I don't know if you've heard of it or if there's any of those that you have heard of. So I'm just kind of.

curious how active you think you are in the community or how do you use NLP in your work?

Kevin Anthony (03:55)
That's a great question. So NLP is a little bit different from hypnosis. So, you know, if you're trained in hypnosis, you know that the idea is to put somebody into a state where they're more suggestible, right? So that's one thing, you know, and everybody's seen hypnosis, right? It's like, oh, right, you're getting sleepy. All right. And then now bark like a dog, whatever, like people understand hypnosis, but they don't necessarily understand. Of course it is. Of course it is.

Max (04:20)
Well that's stage hypnosis I think.

Kevin Anthony (04:24)
sort of exaggerating for effect, but the idea is with NLP or neuro-linguistic programming, what we're really trying to do is there's basically mind hacks, tricks that we can do to break old patterns or habits or instill new ones. So I'm not putting anybody, like when I'm doing work with somebody, I'm not putting anybody into a state of hypnosis and working with them in that way. Now what I am doing, however,

Max (04:49)
Mm.

Kevin Anthony (04:50)
is saying to somebody, OK, here's a challenge you have. Here's a problem that you have, this pattern that you keep repeating. And now here is a practice that you can do that will help rewrite that pattern. So it's a little bit different than the hypnosis side, but it can still be just as powerful if used properly.

Max (05:09)
Yeah, I it kind of sounds like it's the conditioning. So I consider it's a conditioning technique and usually with hypnosis, you use it after you've taken someone in a trance and it sounds like you just use it without ever trying to take them in a trance or anything like that. Does that sound accurate?

Kevin Anthony (05:24)
Yeah, relatively so, I would say.

Max (05:26)
Interesting.

Alonzo Banx (05:27)
Anyone? Come on, Heather, you know you're dying to talk tonight.

Max (05:28)
Thank

Hahaha.

Heather (05:33)
I really thought long and hard about this question because you we don't have a lot of time on the show and I think one of the questions I have is how can I myself and my partner last like help him last longer in the bedroom when he knows he can come easily?

Kevin Anthony (05:53)
Okay. Well, just because he can come easily, does he want to come easily? Okay.

Heather (05:57)
No, he doesn't.

Kevin Anthony (05:59)
So this is actually a huge focus of the work that I do, which is, you know, when I'm working specifically with men, I'm working a lot with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and then of course, sex skills as well. So this topic comes out a lot. There can be multiple reasons for why a man, so let me just first define what I consider premature ejaculation.

My definition of premature ejaculation is ejaculating any time prior to when you want to, right? So if you dig into the medical definition of it, they're gonna say, if you ejaculate in less than a minute, like that's the medical definition of premature ejaculation. And you're thinking less than a minute, that's crazy. But when you understand that, you know, they've done multiple studies on how long the average man lasts, it's five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes is the average time a man can withstand

stimulation, penetration to his genitals without ejaculating, right? So within that range. So medically they would say less than a minute would be premature ejaculation. I think that's insane. We also know the reason why is, and we have to just be honest here, the average woman takes 20 to 30 minutes to reach orgasm. And honestly, that's on the short side. Some women can take more.

Max (07:08)
.

Kevin Anthony (07:20)
up to 45, even an hour, depending on what kind of stimulation they're getting, what's going on in their minds at that moment, like a hundred other factors, to be honest. So when you realize that, you can't really define premature ejaculation under the medical term anymore, right? Because that's not even close. Like even the five to seven minutes isn't even close to getting a woman towards orgasm. So we have to redefine it in this context. And that's why I say,

as a man, you should learn how to control your ejaculation so that for the most part, we're not machines, we're not robots. So, you I always say mileage will vary. We all have off days. Some days we're feeling better than others, but for the most part, you should be able to control your ejaculation to the point where you decide when you want to ejaculate. So then, now that we've got sort of those definitions out of the way to answer your question more specifically, how does a guy achieve that? Well,

The first thing we need to do is identify any habits that might be in the way. So there are certain habits that men will do that they've been doing most of their life that contributes to my definition of premature ejaculation. The first one is the way that they masturbate. So the way that most men masturbate is, realistically today, the way most of them masturbate is, I go online or I grab my phone and I...

Psi (08:24)
Thank

Kevin Anthony (08:41)
Look up, I spend 10 or 15 minutes finding the right porn clip that I want and I go, okay, great, got it. That's the one that's gonna do it for me today. Turn it on, start masturbating and five to seven minutes they're out, right? Just remember how you do anything in practice is how you're gonna show up in the game. So if you're masturbating on a regular basis and doing it very, very quickly, that's how you're likely to do it in the game, right? So.

when you're actually making love to your partner, you're probably going to ejaculate that early. This habit also, by the way, starts very early in life because most of us as men started masturbating when we were young and we didn't want to get caught. So, you know, what's the one place in the house you can get some privacy for five minutes? The bathroom, right? So, what did most young kids do? Sneak into the bathroom, rub one out real quick, try not to get caught, right? So it starts early on in life, then they continue on.

Max (09:23)
Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony (09:37)
If porn is in the equation, then that's another thing that gets in the way. Porn is highly stimulating, it's overstimulating, right? So these are all things that can contribute to premature ejaculation. So first thing I say, a man wants to last longer, let's identify the things that are in the way. What are your masturbation habits like? Do you have performance anxiety kind of stuff? Is there porn use involved? I mean, and there could be other things too, those are just a few.

Once we identify what's in the way, we work on removing that. And then the next thing we do is we retrain them in better masturbation habits. So there's something that I call the mindful masturbation practice. You may have heard me talk about it on my show, but it's a practice similar to edging that I teach men that teaches them how to extend the practice over a longer period of time. And ultimately the goal of that practice is to get them to be able to separate orgasm from ejaculation.

And this is something that a lot of men do not realize is even possible. When we think of orgasm from the male perspective, we think of ejaculation, but orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing. They are two separate things that tend to happen at the same time, but they don't have to happen at the same time. So through doing a practice like the mindful masturbation in conjunction with paying attention to your arousal scale, you can learn to separate those two. So you can have what they

term in the medical world, non-ejaculatory orgasms, right? If you can get to that point, you have now mastered your ejaculation because you can go with all the flow of the lovemaking, right? And all of her ebbs and flows of energy, right? You can have multiple orgasms yourself, but not ejaculate, which means you can basically go as long as you want. And then you get to choose like, you know what? She's

Begging me to come now, so I will. Or you know what? I want to hold on to that energy and I want to take that energy and use it for something else after lovemaking is over with, right? So those are a couple of basic ideas on how a man can learn to last longer.

Max (11:36)
Thank

Alonzo Banx (11:45)
That answer your question for you, Heather?

Heather (11:46)
I think you gave a lot of good tips. This particular individual does not masturbate and does not watch porn. So didn't help me in particular, but the edging part, maybe that's a

Kevin Anthony (11:55)
Okay. So the practice,

Max (12:02)
So

what I mean, what I would suggest. ⁓

Kevin Anthony (12:03)
the masturbation practice will retrain his body either way, whether he's masturbating or not. So that is probably the first place to start, but there could be some psychological stuff involved too. And that's a large part of the work I do is diving into

sort of past psychological stuff to see if any of that stuff is in the way.

Max (12:21)
on a basic level, I would suggest him changing up his technique while he's doing whatever he's doing to extend. So it's kind of like some, so I got really big into teasing denial as a submissive. you're putting, so you have to end up learning, you know, how do I last longer? Even when I'm really closer, she's pushing the buttons that usually push me. So you focus on different techniques of what you're doing, but you're still doing whatever you're doing.

And like different speed, different angle, different focusing on different thoughts of her. mean, you're still staying in the erotic space, not like the old dog. I'm to think of baseball. Like, I mean, no, that's, that's stupid, but thinking of, you know, other things that are going on and then, and, then you're then, then when you're to the point where you're, but where your body, can't hold out and you just announce it, it's probably been five to

Kevin Anthony (13:09)
By the way, there's a female aspect to lasting longer as well. So for instance, if the individual you're referring to doesn't masturbate on his own and he wants to learn this practice with a partner,

there are some ways in which you as his partner can help him along as well. So a couple of those ideas would be things like, you know, being aware of where he's at. we talk about, I mentioned it earlier and I didn't really go into more detail, but there's something called the arousal scale. You'll see lots of sex educators teaching it. It's a scale of one to 10 and it's basically where are you at as far as your arousal with zero being completely unaroused and 10 being you just ejaculated, right?

So there's a sweet spot in there between about six and eight, which is generally where you wanna stay. So you, as his partner, can learn to tap into basically where he's at. So you learn to have an awareness. You can tell when he's getting close. One of the biggest problems that men who are really trying hard with a partner, for instance, sometimes they'll get really good at the solo practice and then they go have sex with a woman and they're like,

man, I was doing so good by myself and then the second I have sex with her, forget it, I lost it all, right? And part of that is, is because we mentioned earlier that, you know, the average man lasts five to seven minutes and the average woman takes 20 to 30 to orgasm. So what that has trained women to do is as they start to get close, they just want to go for it. They're cause if I don't go for it now, I'm never going to get there, right? So it's like, no, no, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, keep going, I'm so close, I'm so close, right? And then boom.

He ejaculates and you don't get there anyway, right? So for you as his partner, what you can do is you can try to be more aware and you can communicate with him, right? If you both are trained on the arousal scale, he can communicate with you and you can do little hand signals, right? So you can have a little tap when he needs you to slow down and you can say, hey, I'm at an eight, let's slow down for a minute. And you can work with him that way by slowing down. And I tell ladies all the time, if you,

If you are working on this practice together, don't worry about your orgasm because if you can get him past one or two non-ejaculatory orgasms, he should be in pretty good control at that point, in which case you will get to your orgasm. Don't fear, right? Because that's the thing is a lot of times women get really afraid that if I don't get there now, it's never gonna happen, right? So just relax and work with him. So that's one thing.

Another thing that a lot of times women are not really aware of is the idea that their sexual energy can be so intense that it can actually take him over the top. Right? So the analogy I use very often is it's for a man, it's like sticking your penis in an electrical socket, right? So, you know, a lot of times when men have difficulty lasting long enough, they say, well, I'm going to do a really good job with foreplay. I'm going to get her so close and then I'm going to penetrate her. And I'm like, okay.

That's not necessarily a bad idea, but let's just, let's talk honestly about what that might mean for you. And as a guy, if you're in here, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, because we've all experienced this. She gets so turned on that the second you penetrate her, it's like sticking your dick in an electrical socket and you're just like, energy just wants to blow you right out of the room because she's so powerful in that moment, right? So I tell guys, be careful with that, right? Because you think that's gonna help you last longer and sometimes it doesn't.

Now, why is that important as I'm talking about it now? Well, it's because you can pay more attention to where your energy level is at and you get to be more aware of that so that you can work with it, right? So if you know your energy level's really high and you know that he's really struggling, right? You can take a few deep breaths, lower your energy level down a little bit so that you can help him along. So you get to work together with this. And I'm a big fan of communication. If you're having challenges in the bedroom, especially with lasting longer,

It's okay to use your words, communicate. Babe, I need to slow down for a minute. Can we just pause and experience a little stillness, which is a beautiful tantric practice in and of itself, right? So work together to help him through this, help him last longer, help him retrain his body.

Heather (17:23)
I like the hand signal thing, like the tap. I'll probably use that.

Alonzo Banx (17:27)
I see that you have something to say, but Noah, you've been dying to get something in here for a couple of minutes. So I'm going to redirect here, Noah, please.

Noah (17:34)
Yeah. So, this sounds like a humble brag, but it's really not. I, I have the exact opposite problem. I often, often cannot come or when I do, it takes forever. Sometimes hours. These poor women are just put through this gauntlet and I just feel, start to feel bad, you know, like they're just in this until it's over. And, you know, they're

Max (17:36)
No, it's you.

Noah (17:58)
relatively, you know, easy to orgasm. And, and so it's great. I think they're still having a good time. They don't complain, right? However, ⁓ right. That's right. and, and they are, you know, excited, eager and willing to experiment and, know, I don't have any complaints with them. They really do turn me on. It's a great experience.

Max (18:07)
That's why you have two for the tag team.

Psi (18:09)
He

Noah (18:23)
I don't feel like it's a, in my head problem. I don't know what the issue is, but, if, if I last less than 30 minutes, it's a miracle. Right. And that's 30 minutes of basically one position pumping nonstop. Right. And I don't know if there's any tricks at all to go the other way. I would like to come faster sooner, you know,

Kevin Anthony (18:45)
Well, a couple of things that I would say is this is, so what you're talking about specifically is what we would call delayed ejaculation, right? So, and over 30 minutes, yes, that would qualify as delayed ejaculation. Believe it or not, I actually have quite a few men who will say to me, I'm experiencing delayed ejaculation. And the first question I asked them is, okay, on average, how long does it take you to ejaculate? Like, it could take as long as 15 or 20 minutes.

And I'm like, that's not delayed ejaculation. Like she hasn't even had her first orgasm yet. Like keep going buddy, all right? But in your case, yeah, if 30 is like on a good day and sometimes it's longer, 45, whatever, that could be potentially delayed ejaculation. It could be mental-emotional. I don't know. I'd have to, if we were working together, I'd have to ask you a lot of questions. I'll tell you what I see very often.

The biggest cause with clients that I work with of delayed ejaculation is porn use. So people who frequently use porn and masturbate to porn a lot, that's the number one cause that I see of delayed ejaculation. And there's a couple of reasons for that. One is the, and I mentioned this earlier, that porn itself is just overstimulating. Like it's super overstimulating and everything about it is fake.

The penises are gigantic, the boobs are gigantic, the bodies are always perfect. Like, you the women are doing all the sex acts that you wished or fantasized a woman would do about, but the women in your life won't actually do, right? So like everything is over the top in it. The problem with that is when you get accustomed to that, now you go back to real life and your partner doesn't look like that. And you know, she's got a little cellulite and she doesn't want to do that thing that the girl in the porn does, right? And so it causes a dissatisfaction with

actual reality because you're so focused on the fantasy reality of the porn. So that's what I see most often. I'm not saying that's your case. It's probably not, but I would start looking at maybe some other mental, emotional things or even potentially, you know, if you haven't been to the doc lately and, you know, had a full checkup and made sure everything's working as it should, you know, that would be something I would recommend too. But it also brings up another discussion.

So one of the things that you said was these poor women, they're in it for the long haul, right? Meaning that everybody's gotta wait until you finally ejaculate to call this thing quits. And I would challenge that from a tantric perspective, we do not see ejaculation as the end goal of a lovemaking practice. And honestly, in my own personal sex life,

maybe one out of four five times I have sex, I'll ejaculate just because I choose to because I'm like, you know what? I think today would be a great day to ejaculate. Now that my partner is, you know, menopause, so post menopause, it sometimes makes it a little bit more fun to choose to do that. But yeah, I would just challenge that and say that, you you can have amazing sex, like mind blowing sex. Like I've had,

lovemaking sessions that I've gone on for, you know, long periods of time. I've never ejaculated. And when they were over, I was so high, I couldn't even walk across the room straight to the bathroom. Like I'm like holding onto the wall because I'm going to fall over, right? Like, and you can experience that without ever having ejaculated. So yes, there are some things you could look into as far as potentially solving the delayed ejaculation problem. And I would also say it's not necessary

to have great sex and I would challenge you to think, maybe I could still be with both women and we could blow each other's minds without ever ejaculating.

Noah (22:27)
I think the only reason why I start to feel like it's an issue because you know, I there have been several times where I just can't right I just feel I gotta go to bed or whatever like I can't keep going like this, right? But you know, I think for my partners, you know There's a fear of making them feel like they didn't do well or something right I'm worried that they're gonna have some kind of like

reaction to it. You know, and I think that's kind of where my concern more comes from is I want them to feel like they did a good job because they did. feel like they did great. If I had feedback, I'd give it to them, you know, but yeah, it's.

Kevin Anthony (22:55)
That is

a very good point that you bring up and it is actually one that comes up quite often, believe it or not. men, know, everybody pretty much knows that we tie a certain part of our ego to our ability to, you know, pleasure a woman, right? But what a lot of people don't realize is women do the same thing, right? And so when you're not hard, let's say you have an erectile dysfunction,

Sometimes when Moon will take that personally, like he must not be attracted to me. I'm not very good at what I'm doing, whatever. Same thing if you're struggling to ejaculate, they might be thinking all those same things, right? So your concern is a legit one. However, all you have to do is have open and honest conversations with your partners and say, this is always the way it's been for me. It has nothing to do with you at all. And I want you to know that I am really content and satisfied

with our love making and I think it's amazing and just because I don't ejaculate doesn't mean that I'm not absolutely loving everything that's happening. And of course you can share that in words in the moment too. You can let them know how much you're enjoying it and just how great it is for you. But I absolutely hear that concern because that one does come up and it is important to address with your partner.

Alonzo Banx (24:15)
Yeah, there I see you, but you got a couple of people in front of you. you've been waiting patiently, and Max, you're in the queue too. So Sai, go ahead.

Psi (24:22)
Okay, so I do have a question. Hi. On a different subject completely. However, one explanation here, you mentioned that men can have non-ejaculatory orgasms. Could you explain a little bit? I know like there's energetic orgasms and I don't know if that's what you're referring to or if not, what is that experience?

What are you referring to? What is the experience for the man?

Kevin Anthony (24:46)
Great question. When we say non-ejaculatory orgasm, there may be an idea that it's exactly like a regular orgasm, only nothing comes out your penis. And that's not true. But it can be similar. So.

If we think about the components of what we describe as a male orgasm, we have rhythmic contractions of the muscles, right? We have a feeling of a massive movement of energy, and then we typically have an ejaculation. So those are like the three things that you would describe when you're talking about what a male orgasm slash ejaculation is typically, right?

So we have an orgasm, there's these contractions of our pelvic floor muscles, we ejaculate semen and we feel this huge movement of energy where we're like, ah, all right, now I wanna roll over and go to sleep. So now, if we don't have the ejaculation part, but we still have the movement of energy and the contractions of the muscles.

That's what we would call a non-ejaculatory orgasm. Now the thing is, the muscle contractions most of the time, not always, but most of the time will not feel as intense as when you're actually ejaculating. And the energy movement may not feel as intense also. And I say may because it depends on is this the first one you've had during the session or is this the 10th one you've had during the session?

Right? And how long has this session been going and how much sexual energy have you built up in your body? This is one of the things I tell men all the time. I'm like, want motivation to learn how to last longer? It's not just about pleasing her. It's about how much pleasure you can actually feel in your own body, but it takes time. It takes time to build that sexual energy. And if it builds really fast and then explodes out and dissipates, you never get a chance to get there. Right?

So what you really wanna do is you want to lengthen the process, build that sexual energy, and then let it out in a bunch of non-ejaculatory orgasms. So I would say that for me in my personal experience, most of the time I feel medium to moderate contractions of the muscles and shifts like if I were to describe the arousal scale,

Right, and I'm at nine, nine is like right on that point where I'm about to ejaculate and I have a non-ejaculatory orgasm, it'll drop me back down to about a six on the scale. Right, so drop me right back down into that spot where I like, I feel totally back in the sweet spot and in control again. But there was a movement or release of energy, otherwise I'd still be way up here on the scale.

So that's how I would describe a non-ejaculatory orgasm versus an ejaculatory one where you just blow right past nine through 10, you ejaculate, there's a huge dump of energy and you're like, now I want a cigarette and to go to sleep.

Psi (27:50)
Yeah. Thank you. Sounds a little similar. mean, I'm multi-orgasmic and there are different levels of orgasm that I could relate to in that way. So I was curious if it was that way for men as well. May I take this conversation to a different direction? Okay. So I have a question regarding communication. I noticed on your webpage when you work with women, one of the things that you...

mentioned there is how a woman, you needs to, you teach her to communicate what she's wanting. And I have no challenge in asking for what I want. However, the challenge in a few relationships is that actually materializing. And whether, you know, one person, when I mentioned it to him, felt criticized and,

I tried to do it consciously, not in a critical way, in an asking way. One person felt criticized, another relationship just really didn't relate at all. And so I'm just wondering what the secret is for being heard and without the man feeling that, you know, how does this communication occur in the best way for the man?

Kevin Anthony (28:58)
Okay, that's another great question.

So as you were describing it and you were saying that, you know, I've had some challenges with this, the very first thing that was going through my mind was, I wonder how she asked for what she wanted.

because it's all in the how. A lot of women struggle with asking for what they want. So obviously first step would be learning how to ask for what you want, right? But the how you do it is critically important. I talk about this subject a lot. I need to preface a few things here, especially with this particular group. A lot of the work that I do when it comes to communication, because my audience is primarily

heterosexual, I'm often talking about male and female dynamics and polarity from that perspective. A masculine man with a more feminine woman. So a lot of what I talk about has to do with that. But know that the dynamics apply regardless of what your physical body is. It's just, you like you can see in every same sex couple, there's always one that's more masculine, one that's more feminine regardless. Like those roles tends to naturally happen because that polarity is what

holds a relationship together. So know that it can apply either way. So in this case, with you as a feminine woman communicating with a masculine man, the correct way is to let him know what it is that you need in a soft feminine way while also expressing the why behind it and the why needs to be attached to an emotion, right?

So rather than saying what I need is you to touch me this way because that's what gets me off, right? You need to say, you know what? I really love, remember that time when you were touching me this way and it just felt so good. And that is what really gets me close to my orgasm. And when I have orgasms, I feel so connected to you and I feel so much love for you. And I feel like, yeah, just so deeply connected.

that it just makes me want even more, right? That's completely different than saying, no, I need you to do it this way, right? So the, need you to do it this way comes from a more masculine place, right? And often a man will hear that as criticism. So what you're saying is I need you to do it this way. And what you mean, you're not even meaning it as criticism. What you mean is this is what works for me. I'm trying to tell you what works for me. Just please do it, right? But what he hears on the other end is,

I'm not doing it right. I'm not good enough. Apparently I don't know what I'm doing, right? She's criticizing me yet again because she already criticized me about the trash I didn't take out or the whatever, right? And it all gets lumped together. So if you can take it away from that and communicate, here's what I need. Here's why I need it. And here's how it makes me feel when you meet that need. Those last two pieces are critical. See, as men, the reality is,

We want to please our women. We do. We want to be her Superman, right? We want to be up there, dun, dun, dun, dun, I saved the day. Like we want to be that guy. But we need a little help to get there, right? And so a lot of times we don't necessarily realize when you're asking for something why it's important to you, because we'll rationalize in our minds, right? We'll go, what's the big deal? It's just a little thing. I don't understand why that's so important to her, right?

Cause we're up here in the male brain, but in the female world, it's huge and it's important and it's critical to the experience, right? So a lot of times we just don't even get that. It just goes right over our heads. So if you can communicate it to us, a lot of times we'll go, oh, I had no idea that when I wasn't doing it that way, that she didn't feel connected to me or she didn't feel safe or it didn't work for her, right? So sometimes just communicating it in that way makes a huge difference.

Heather (32:43)
Thank

Psi (32:58)
Would you say it's best discussed not during sex, like at a separate time, or is it okay during the session?

Kevin Anthony (33:08)
I think everything should be discussed before the sex. All the important things that you would want to talk about when it comes to your sex life should be had in conversations before you ever get to the bedroom. Having said that, that doesn't mean that you can't bring it up in the moment in the bedroom if something's not working for you. If it's not going the way that you want it to, you can certainly do that. And it's even more critical in the moment to make sure that when you're communicating,

You're doing so in a clear way, but also in a way that's not gonna trigger your partner because here you are, you're naked, like maybe penis is already in vagina and you're about to bring up something that's not working for you or you want it a different way. And it can absolutely just kill the moment 100 % and turn something that was going to be a beautiful moment into a source of contention and argument. And you really don't want that to happen. So it's even more critical in the moment to...

really focus on trying to do it in a way that creates more connection and more closeness. I tell everybody all the time, sex is a team sport. It's a team sport, but you're both on the same team. You're not on competing teams. What's that?

Max (34:17)
It's a PVE team sport.

Sorry, it's a gaming term, PVE team sport. right. So yeah, so everyone's on the same team against or trying to just accomplish something.

Kevin Anthony (34:23)
Alright, I'm not familiar with it, I trust you.

Exactly, so but when you approach it from that point of view, right? It's no longer about here's what I need you to do. It's like, here's what works for us together. So rather than I need you to do this and you need to do it this way, it's like, here's what works for me and can we work together to make this the most amazing experience that it can be.

Psi (34:50)
Thank you.

Kevin Anthony (34:51)
You're welcome.

Alonzo Banx (34:52)
answer

that for you say.

Psi (34:53)
It does. Thank you.

Alonzo Banx (34:54)
Max, Noah, Heather and Noah, I know you're in the queue here, but Max was up next. You had something you wanted to bring up.

Max (35:02)
I've been typing a lot, I think we'll scroll back to this one because I think a little out of left field, but I think it's good. So this is for Kevin, of course, because he's on our hot seat. How or why did you come to this profession?

Kevin Anthony (35:16)
man, that's a great question. Almost every podcast I go on asks me that. And I enjoy telling it. I don't know if it's all that exciting to other people, but I'll give you the short version, which is most people that come to being a certified sexologist and doing this work for a living, a lot of them come from the therapy world and they decided to then specialize in sex, which means...

Max (35:18)
What is your origin story?

Kevin Anthony (35:40)
They set out on a career path early on to work with people in some capacity and then they decided to specialize in that. It's either that or they decided I'm gonna be a sex coach and they went out and they took all the trainings and they got certified and now I'm a sex coach. Neither of those were my path. My path was that for most of my young adult life, I was just interested in learning this stuff for myself.

And I was very fortunate that in the Southern California community, I had massive access to so many resources. We had a great poly community, a great tantra community. I was close friends with a lot of leaders of that. And practically every weekend it was like, hey, the author of Sex at Dawn is going to be at my house in my living room giving a talk. Hey, Deb Ranipal is going to be in my living room doing this and so-and-so is going to be here teaching this. And practically like, this is what I did for fun on weekends was I went to somebody's house or

some yoga studio they rented out or something. And I went to workshops constantly and listened to everybody's talk that they give and did all that stuff and practiced it all in my own life and in my own relationships. And so I was just learning it for myself. I had no intention of ever teaching this to anybody. But what happened over time, I was a computer engineer. So I worked for big tech. I worked for a bunch of big companies.

Max (36:52)
What was your day job? What was your day job before this? Okay.

Kevin Anthony (37:00)
My last job actually was for a big tech company where I was in charge of cloud computing systems globally. So that was a very stressful job. let me tell you, I was happy to leave it. But over time, what I noticed was people started asking me, like they just pull me aside at random gatherings or events and they're like, hey, can you help me with the, look, I got this problem.

Max (37:08)
⁓ IT, excellent. This explains a lot to me.

Thank

Kevin Anthony (37:30)
I don't last as long as I want and it's becoming a problem in my relationship. Can you help me? I had one time I was living in a house and I had two roommates and one of my roommates had a friend over and my girlfriend was over at the time who later became my wife and we were having sex and she was very vocal and making lots of noise and later on we were done, she went home, I'm in the kitchen and my friend's friend comes up to me on the side and he goes.

Max (37:47)
Hmph.

Kevin Anthony (37:55)
Can you teach me how to do what I just heard coming out of that bedroom? And I was like, all right, all right. And then I culminate the whole story by telling a story that I was out in public near a beach with a whole bunch of people. And I was there with my girlfriend at the time and she's getting ready to leave and she's packing up all her stuff. And there's this weird guy standing there staring at us and we're in part of town that's known to have some.

Max (37:59)
Ha ha ha!

Kevin Anthony (38:23)
weird dudes hanging around, know? So like my protector, you know, senses are fired and I'm like, wait, then hurry up, hurry up. I need to get you together so that I can focus on what weirdo's doing over here, right? And rather than help you, she gets together, she gets out, weirdo comes straight up to me and I'm like, here we go. And then he asks me a question about how I could potentially help him control his mind and do, and I was just like, complete random guy I've never seen in my life.

Max (38:26)
Venice.

Kevin Anthony (38:49)
I wasn't talking about my work at all in that moment. And he just approaches me out of nowhere and asked me that question. I just looked up at this guy and I said, okay, I hear you. I hear you. I'm supposed to teach this to people. Okay. And that's my origin story. I started building a coaching practice after that.

Alonzo Banx (39:06)
many years ago was that?

Kevin Anthony (39:08)
I let's see I left Big Tech in 2010. Started building my practice about a year and a half after that. So yeah, we're going on about 15 ish years now.

Max (39:18)
Was it like you wanted to be semi-retired or retired and this became the hobby? Cause it's like, did you just jump into this as a career?

Alonzo Banx (39:18)
Nice.

Kevin Anthony (39:24)
Well, once I kind of got that message that I was supposed to teach this, I had some time off. When I left Big Tech, I had plenty of money. So I was like, I've got a cushion. I've got some time. I can work on building this. So I wasn't too worried about that. But at a certain point, that cushion doesn't last forever, right? And so at certain point, I'm like,

Max (39:32)
Yep. Yep.

Yeah,

absolutely. That's kind of where I currently am in my life.

Kevin Anthony (39:45)
Yeah,

I was like, this has got to make money. This has got to be sustainable for me to do. And I will say that there was a moment where I actually put it on the back burner and started doing consulting again just to make extra money. But then when my wife and I got together, she was already coaching in the space too. And we decided to combine both of what we were doing. And things really took off from there. And it was, you

Max (40:06)
Hmm.

Kevin Anthony (40:10)
way easier as a team to build something than it was to do it on my own.

Alonzo Banx (40:14)
We're starting to get approaching the end of our time. Max, we're going to jump over on to Heather and Noah to get your questions in. Heather, you had something you wanted to bring up.

Max (40:14)
Nice.

Absolutely.

Heather (40:23)
I was just going to bounce off some of the things that were already being said. didn't have a really direct question if Noah wants to ask his questions since we're getting short on time.

Alonzo Banx (40:32)
Noah?

Noah (40:34)
Yeah, I mean, I want to say as someone who's currently in big tech now as a system engineer, you've made the right choice and it sounds like you're helping people, which is great. So congratulations. I'm living this waking nightmare every day and I feel like I love that scenario for you. It's great. It's awesome.

Kevin Anthony (40:48)
I have a funny little story to tell about that. It was kind of a wake up moment for me because being in charge of global systems and we had offices all around the world.

I would basically, what we would do is I and my team, we would design systems in house here in San Diego. And then we would document it all. And then we would order all the equipment and ship it out to locations all around the world for them to replicate. Even though I really believe we did a great job of documenting these things, they would call us like nonstop. And so I used to be on call every other week for an entire week. And I would get woken up every single night.

Sometimes, you one in the morning, two in the morning, three in the morning, four in the morning. I would never get a night's sleep. Sometimes I'd be woken up two or three times a night with somebody from somewhere in the world calling me up, going, something's not working. Can you troubleshoot and fix it? Right? So I was pretty stressed out and burnt out. And I remember one day I'm in one of the data centers, right? And this massive data center, thousands of servers and it's super loud. And my phone rings and I pick it up. And the person on the other end of the phone is a friend of mine who runs

part of the Tantra, know, poly community here in SoCal. And she's inviting me to a sex party. And I just had this moment right there. I'm just like, the juxtaposition of those two lives in that moment, I was just like, something's gotta change. Something's gotta change. So.

Noah (42:10)
Yeah, I totally get it so on that note and I think maybe you know We might have kind of some like minds or at least because of the circles that you and I have both been in it You at least met people like me. So I have a question about tantra real quick, but I need to start by saying You know, my personal philosophy is very analytical absurdist almost nihilistic, right? I I don't really

believe in any spirituality. don't believe in any, any, anything besides just hard, cold science and the cold blackness of the universe looking back at me with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. Right. So from that perspective, what can you tell someone like me to try to consider Tantra as something to, look at? Like, what would I get from that?

Kevin Anthony (42:59)
Well, the first thing I will tell you is this, is that coming from an engineering science background myself, I understand where you're at in your point of view. And I can tell you now at almost 52 years of age, I have experienced multiple things in my life.

that cannot be explained by science. Like actual experiences that blew my mind and I was like, that's not possible, but I just witnessed it. I saw it happen. I'm not crazy. I was not on substances and that's not possible and yet it happened, right? So having had a numerous of those over the years, I have changed my opinion.

to there is something else. I don't know what it is. I can't tell you it's God. I can't tell you it's an old man with a beard up there in the sky. All I can tell you is there's something, you could look at it and say it's just another dimension and it's aliens on the other side. I can't tell you what it is. All I can tell you is there is something else and there is something else that we can tap into other than just this physical reality because I've been there. And Tantra is a way that we can do that.

Tantra is a way that we can access energies and states of consciousness that are outside our typical reality that we see every single day. So I know it's possible, because I've done it many times myself. I can't explain how it happens or what it even is, but I know that it happens. So.

you know, you as somebody, you know, with your particular point of view, you can listen to somebody like me and say, yeah, whatever, he's a crackpot. Or you could say, hmm, you know, here's a guy with a similar background to me, you know, engineering, very hard sciences kind of guy who's shifted his opinion. Maybe, maybe I might be a bit more open-minded to think about how I might be able to experience things differently as well.

Noah (44:53)
Thank you.

Alonzo Banx (44:55)
So Kevin, let me flip the script on you here now. Do you have any questions for us?

Max (44:59)
Thank

Kevin Anthony (45:00)
I don't know that I have any questions. This is the first time I've been sort of in a hot seat with a whole panel. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it. I really appreciated the questions that you all asked. They were thoughtful and they were good questions. Yeah, and I really enjoyed the discussion.

Alonzo Banx (45:06)
Thank

Max (45:09)
Thank

Alonzo Banx (45:14)
I know we've had Heather before I let it go tonight. have anything else? I want you to leave happy tonight.

Heather (45:21)
I've been so looking forward to this show tonight. Just because I've been listening to the Love Lab forever and I send it to my husband all the time. Like you should check out this episode. You'll love this episode or we'll hook it and chill and talk about the Love Lab and like I'll even pause things like are you really listening? So I've definitely been super excited. Just to hit on it when Noah was saying Noah I had to do a

Max (45:35)
Thank

Heather (45:47)
sound bath and a breathing exercise and like a tantra thing. And he was very skeptical going into it. And I just told him like, just have an open mind going into it and just be open to receiving whatever you're going to receive in that moment. Try to not have any negative thoughts going through your brain, just positive receiving. And he had an amazing experience.

and I have a really good friend who does sound baths in the Southern California area. And for a week after that sound bath, Bee felt so good and we had some amazing sex afterwards. Just be open, I guess. It be my advice.

Noah (46:24)
Yeah,

thanks. It's a curiosity I've got. So I'd to look more into it.

Alonzo Banx (46:27)
Max 9-

Heather (46:32)
I can totally give you some information to like, if you want to do something like that. But Bebe, Bebe is super skeptical like you are. And he was like, I'm not spiritual at all. I'm not going to receive anything from this. This is not going to help me. And he ended up loving it. So.

Alonzo Banx (46:47)
Max, Si, any last thoughts?

Psi (46:49)
No, great conversations. Thank you. Thanks, Kevin, for being on.

Max (46:53)
I I guess to go with what I talked to said to you, Vic, but before all this, you know, I was expecting him to be in the term I used was fuck boy, but it sounds like he came to this in a very thoughtful way and, uh, it's not that kind of like, and what I meant by that is just an attitude of like, I don't know. I didn't even know a good way to describe it. I guess that's why I use the term. have to figure it out for yourself, but, uh, yeah.

Alonzo Banx (47:16)
Well, Kevin, I know I was super impressed having

you here tonight and we're thrilled that you were. Tell us more about your stuff, what you got going on, your 380 episodes and how people can find out more about you.

Kevin Anthony (47:27)
Sure, well again, thanks for having me on. you know, I think I understand what you mean by the term fuckboy. There's a lot of guys out there in this industry who are basically just all about how you can get more women, how you can get more sex and that kind of stuff. And that is not at all the...

Max (47:33)
you

Kevin Anthony (47:42)
the angle that I come from. I'm here to educate people and help people. When I say I want people to have the relationship of their dreams and the best sex of their life, I mean it because I've had it in my life. I've experienced it. I know how amazing it is and I want it for everybody else. So that sounds great to you and you want more of that and you're looking for help in many different ways because I have lots of different things that I can offer you. Please go to my website, kevinanthonycoaching.com.

There you can find everything. You can find my coaching programs if you're looking for that. I have online programs as well. If you're looking to work on your own, it's obviously a much lower cost. I have tons of free stuff. I have blog articles. have 382 published podcasts already. I have over 1200 videos on my YouTube channel. There is a ton of free content out there. If you're looking for help in any subject, sex, love or relationship, there is something there for you from

Tons of free stuff right on to full on coaching. And it's all at KevinAnthonyCoaching.com.

Alonzo Banx (48:37)
Kevin, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on tonight. I hope you'll come back and meet with us again. This has been the Polysocal podcast. Kevin, Anthony, Max, Noah, Heather, Sy, thanks for being here this week. Good night, everybody.