Submission, Identity, and Finding Yourself with Max

 In this deep dive episode, Max shares his personal journey through submission, identity, and self discovery. He speaks openly about his experience with hypnosis, kink, and emotional connection, explaining how submission is not about weakness, but about trust, consent, and mutual respect. The conversation explores demisexuality, the importance of emotional rapport, and how personal growth often comes from confronting uncertainty and embracing authenticity. This episode offers an honest look at how identity evolves and how relationships can become a path toward understanding oneself more fully. 

Transcript

PolySoCal - Deep Dive with Max
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[00:00:00] 

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks, and tonight we're doing a one-on-one conversation with our amazing Mr. Max. Hey Max.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Hey Alonzo, you just gotta start with flattery.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Hey, you know, if it works. So, okay. Um, for those who haven't listened to who you are in the podcast, 'cause you know they haven't gone to our webpage, blah, blah, blah, tell us about you.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: So I'm a single poly open, uh, demisexual ace. Uh, I'm pretty, pretty kinky. Uh, I'd like to think of myself as sex positive. Um, hypno. Kink is one of my big kinks in the femdom. Consider myself submissive, uh, looking for, looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe I'll find the right ones.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Okay, so I got a ton of questions for you tonight, but

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Super,[00:01:00] 

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: start with the obvious. You've been talking about hypno kink now for a while

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: on a bunch of the shows I try on our main shows, not to delve too deep into the, into the kink stuff. I try to keep it about relationships, but explain hypno kink.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Uh, explain Hypno king. Cool. So. I'll start with what? With trance. So we've all experienced trance. To me, the classic example is you long day at work, you get in your car to drive home. You're like, ah, I need to stop at the market. Okay, I'll stop at the market. And you drive, and the next thing you know you're pulling into your driveway and you didn't stop at the market.

You went into trance, you went into a light trance. Um, it's basically where you, you do an action. I think of it as like you have your autonomic, you know, muscle memory. Well, we have the same thing with our brain. And you go into that and. It's, it's calming, it's relaxing. You sometimes think of other things.

Um, I'm highly analytical, so [00:02:00] trance has always been a good way to meditate, to relax, to go to sleep. I used to have sleep apnea problems. Part of why I got into it also, when you want to experience kinky things, but it's hard to find kinky partners. Well, hypno is something you can do on your own, and it's a lot more real or real adjacent than, than, um.

I don't know, than just other things. Uh, questions.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah. You, you said what? I don't understand still what it is. How do you get into it? What is the, okay. So it's that state where, know, you, you automatically drive to the wrong home after you've moved. I've done that before, by the way. Um, yeah, I can understand that analogy. But how do you do that as a at will thing?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah. So that's kind of an example of like the experience of it. So [00:03:00] a lot of practice, like anything. Um, so I've met people just getting into wanting to hypnotize people. I'm like, well, I'll be a great subject for you. 'cause I know how there's an old saying, um, all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. And I think it's partially true.

It's a little more nuanced than that, but it's like it's relaxation. Uh, it's breathing, it's slowing yourself down and kind of letting go. Um, we probably do it in a lot of different types of kink play regularly and not realize we're doing it. Um, does that kind of make sense?

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: How did you get there?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: So I guess a long time ago I started listening to recordings, um, because I loved fiction, I loved, um, I was curious about, uh, forced feminization, those types of things. And then it's like, oh, we're gonna do mind control, but it doesn't really control your mind. Um, and I guess I listened to those [00:04:00] recordings and I found I could be awake the entire time.

I could let it not affect me. I had agency is what we usually call it. Um, and then. As I knew what was in the recording and I'm like, this is something I wanna experience. I want to experience being, you know, controlled by this powerful woman, or whatever the fantasy was in the recording. And so I started to slowly but surely, you know, learn to let go.

And I found other recordings that were, that were more interesting or that it allowed me to explore things that I was curious about, but not so curious about. And when you've developed agency within letting go. When you are nervous about something, you can stop. It's like, why do people like to drink, drink alcohol at a party, right?

Lets them free themselves from their inhibitions. Well, transit hypnosis, sort of freeze yourself from, you know, exploring things in some story or some fantasy that, that you're having that turns you on, that gets you rock hard that you know, gets you to that place 'cause you're on your own.[00:05:00] 

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So what's the kink?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Mental stimulation, I guess I, I mean, I mean, making it erotic, I guess. 'cause there's basic hypnosis where it's like meditation to get a good night's sleep and it's just about make being calm, being relaxed. But the kink, you know, it, it, it's mixed in where it's, uh, where you're being, you know. Where you're kneeling to your, to your domino, where you're, you know, allowing her to take over to her to take control.

You're being her good boy. You're doing what she says. Whatever kind of that is in the recording. It's just like a, a story that's gone erotic, right.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So it's letting yourself go and just getting it. It, it's one of the things that we do as humans. When we watch a movie, Suspension of disbelief. It's the ability to walk into a movie and believe that there's a galaxy far, far away, or to know that there's a monster in the [00:06:00] basement. logically know it's not there,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yep.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: we allow ourselves to suspend our disbelief and for that time in the movie, we let go, I talk about this in the BDSM world where all BDSM is suspension of disbelief, or in truth, it's not. Real, you allow yourself to believe that that play is real on both sides of the paddle.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Absolutely. And this is the same thing just without a screen, without actors, just just a recording that you're listening to. And I guess I've learned I am very much, I mean, it kinda makes sense, like my vision, I have had glasses since I was eight. Um, and so my, so things that I hear is very important. Like when I'm, my, the best way I learned in school was to sit and listen to the, to the teacher, not write anything down, not take notes.

It annoyed some of them, but that's how I learned, [00:07:00] that's how it was all about listening and audio. I love audio and like I've been with like, it was funny, I was with, I was with Adam Dom and like she thought I was reacting to how she was touching me and, and in my head I'm like, no, no, no. It was what you just said and how.

You said it and it was hot as hell and that, and like, and my body responds like suddenly I'll get super hard because of what and how they're saying something, not how they're touching me. Um, and then also when you can really let go in hypnosis, like, like you can feel the tingles and you can, you, you feel these amazing sensations.

And it was interesting the other day when I think, I'm trying to remember the, the expert, um. Talking about tantra and those things and energy flow and all that. And I'm like, no, I've experienced that. That's, that's hypno kink. I'm like, that's, that's where I got that. Um, all that energy and all that and all of that was what I, I was being led down.

I mean, I've done, you know, I've guided relaxation is hypnosis as far as I'm concerned. It's not tantra.[00:08:00] 

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So how does this work when you talk about, uh, work with other people? Because I know you had mentioned that you went to a convention.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yep. The convention's called Charmed. It's uh, it's in Annapolis. They don't get more specific than that unless you register to go and things like that. Um, there there are two other conventions that are, I, I kind of, it kind of seemed like it's the same community in all three, but kind of different, different pieces 'cause they're in different areas and the convention's focused on different things.

So, so, I mean, that's what the convention is. I'm not, maybe, I'm not sure what your, what your question is. I mean

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Okay, so you, you. my understanding, is letting yourself go and, falling into the fantasy, falling

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yep.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: the audio. So how does it work when you have more than one person?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Um, I mean. It's the same way, uh, you, so you'll at least have two sides. You at least have two people. You have a hypnotist and you'll have a [00:09:00] subject or subjects. And also when you're doing things in person, it's, it's easier for the hypnotist to see and to know and to see how you're reacting. Also, when they know who their subject is and if they know you really well, like you have really good rapport, um, you know, like you do with, with someone you, you play with.

A lot, then you can get even more specific and you can, they can go down deeper and quicker and more accurately. A lot of times when I'm listening to a video or a video listening to an audio, I have to ignore certain things. They use. Words that don't, aren't gonna hit me, aren't gonna affect me. Um. As much because of just who I am and how I am.

So this gives you, plus it gave me an opportunity to meet other people, uh, to start to put inaccurate vocabulary to it. 'cause um, a lot of people practice on both sides. I've mainly practiced, um, as just a subject, so. So I, I would hear these terms about like, different types of inductions or fractionation, inductions or [00:10:00] all these things.

And I kind of thought I kind of knew what they were. 'cause I'm like, I think this is that, but it's not all necessarily accurate. Um, there, there's a lot of, you know, uh, tribal knowledge that goes around or, you know, house knowledge and, you know, it, it's a lot of, well, you know. You'll know it when you feel it and you're like, well, but I've never felt it before, so how do I know when I first felt it?

You know, it's chicken and the egg kind of conversation. So you get to explore a lot of that and different people teach classes. Um, there's a, there's a playroom. People set up scenes with each other. There's all sorts of, you know, fun things that can happen. Um, it's also a really great community built around consent, enthusiastic consent, um, negotiation.

I discovered Negotiation is a kink of mine. Um, and it's just so, so yeah, it's, it's that kind of opportunity. You know, we have fun events at night. Apparently a lot of people in this kink also like board games, which I very much do. So we did a [00:11:00] lot of that. I did, I did a lot of that. It was a good way for me to meet my community.

What I found, what was really interesting was a lot of people who identify asexual also like board games. I'm not sure why, but it, it was a big overlap 'cause it was like all a bunch of these people I had played board games with and I went to this, uh, ACE round table and I was like, Hey, this is, this is our group.

Did we just come to, are we playing a game? What's going on? So it was, yeah, it was, it was, it was a, it was great. It was a great experience. Um, hopefully I'll be able to go to a couple of the other ones.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Just outta curiosity, how big are these conventions?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Um, so I actually don't know how big the other two get. This was, uh, I think they had 400 people in person and another 200 online, which was interesting. So since, yeah, so it's, uh, I mean it's, it's. East coast is a little more still, uh, COVID, paranoid, or I shouldn't say paranoid, COVID concerned and it's valid.

Um, as opposed on the West Coast, you know, we have everything outside, you know, a lot more spread out there. Things are, [00:12:00] you know, condensed. It gets cold, people get clammy and, you know, they're, they're catching colds from, you know, just, just regular run of the mill flu as well as, you know, the COVID variants we're dealing with now.

Plus, uh, plus I think when you're at a con, like you're excited and you, you don't sleep so well, which makes it easier to catch a cold. People say con crud, it's, it's just close quarters and people not sleeping well and, and all that good stuff that is can also lead to getting sick, which is kind of a bummer.

Also, there's this big, you know, they call it con drop. This let down, you know, you're with your people and a lot of the community is, uh, transgendered. I, I'd heard. Someone say like about a third. Um, and it's a place where they can be free within the convention space to be themselves, to be authentic. It's something I love for a couple of other events.

You can be really authentically yourself. And I remember then seeing people the last day when the convention had basically was over and the hotel is now public space again, and it [00:13:00] was just like. They were night and day different, you know, I mean, they were dressed different. It was like they had their civilian armor on that they had taken off.

And, uh, from that perspective it was wonderful. But yeah, so the online part too, like the server actually is already frozen and I think it gets deleted in a couple of days. So like, they had the recordings and you could watch, you could watch a lot of the classes where people knew they were being recorded.

Um. And we're okay with it. And then, uh, and, and then they get, they get frozen at one point and they get deleted at another. Just so more people could come who couldn't physically make it there to, to increase the accessibility. Yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Interesting. So when you first started coming on our podcast, you were saying things like, not poly, I don't understand. am. Uh, and now I hear you say all the time, I'm probably open.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: like for you? How'd you, how did you make that transition and [00:14:00] what did it mean?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: That's a good question. Um, and it's one I know the answer to. So, yeah, I mean, I was confused by why, why you invited me. Like I liked it. Like I'm, I'm kink as I always say, sex positive, kink positive. And I've always wanted to meet other people, you know, who, who, who are like that. So from that perspective, I was excited.

'cause Polly people tend to be very kinky. I think we can all agree, um, or at least the two of us can. And we're all that's here. So it all that matters at the moment. Um, and, but yeah, I was like, how can I be, how can I be poly? Meaning I'm in, you know, a relationship with more than more than two people when I'm not even in a relationship.

Um, but I had been in one where in essence I was because, uh, she was married. Um, she was, she was a dom, she was an online dom. Um, I first started 'cause I wanted a key holder. Approached her about that. Um, and she treated me very differently from the rest of the subs. And she had a rule, you know, [00:15:00] no, no in-person sessions.

And then one day she invited me to visit her. So obviously she broke that rule in a way, but I mean, it was a boundary that she decided. She wasn't interested in, and I was certainly interested in meeting her. Um, and so, yeah, so we basically, I mean, to me, I was her, her side piece, her fun little toy. Um, I saw her a couple of times in Toronto.

Um, and it was, I mean, so to me, I mean, and it was long lasting. I, I, I was in contact with her every day. Uh, in fact, I was required to, which was fun. Um, I think, I think at one point the longest duration in the cage was 18 months. Um, and it was, yeah. And so, I mean, I was just in a relationship with her. I mean, I knew of her partner.

I would interact with him very rarely, uh, never in person. And that was a boundary and that became an issue for me. Um, and yeah, so I was like, I guess I am. So that was where I, I wanted to explore and understand and I kept kind of bouncing [00:16:00] back and forth. And then in one podcast, I guess we could go back and figure out which one Noah called Noah, like, I think it was the one Noah was hosting.

And he said like, like he called me Polly and or, and it was like, it was almost like he called me out on it and I was like, I guess I am. Like, I hadn't really thought of it like that, but. Someone else, you know, listening to you and observing you thinks you're something, then maybe then maybe you agree. I think it's why I liked that round table with everyone else who was identifying various forms of, uh, of Ace asexuality.

Um, and, and the demisexuality description is something I'd, I'd always kind of gravitated towards. It kind of made sense. It made sense on how I interact with people romantically and all the different levels of love that, that are out there. Um, so yeah, so then I'm like, well, so then, so then what is it? And I'm like, well, a dynamic that in my mind would, would work really well is if I had a dominant woman who, you know, who I was her pet or she owned me.

Um, however you want to [00:17:00] get into those semantics. Um. But usually what I have found is those women, at least the ones that I consider like very purely dominant, are few and far between. And they usually have a network of, you know, adoring people. They probably already have a pri what I would consider a primary partner.

Um, so to be realistic, I'm like, well, if I had that and then I had a another person. Whatever that person is or what, whether, whether that person is considered above being dynamic or, or whatever. But I guess really just that it's a nice little pyramid. You know? We both have hope, either the same dominant or.

Maybe she, you know, understands that that's something else that I need. And, you know, they're the person who I live with on the day-to-day basis. Maybe, maybe our, our, our Domina likes to play with us together when, you know, when she has time to swoop in, uh, or keeps, you know, keeps tabs with us digitally online, just whatever.

And I guess that's kind of what I consider a realistic thing to look for. But I mean, if I were to [00:18:00] find one woman and, you know, she. Sh and, and there was a good dynamic between us and she didn't want to be, you know, Polly, she wanted to be monogamous. I would be fine with that. I think where I worry about it is if I'm supposed to be this other piece and I have to be completely devoted to her, but she isn't gonna necessarily have time for me and all the time, and I'm like, well, that I wouldn't get, you know, I wouldn't be able to get what I need.

And I guess I. I would come across things like that and not understand it. And or a lot of times you'd have these doms and they're, you know, the homewrecker thing, or it was just like, none of that appeals to me. I mean, like to me, you know, I want to be open, I want to be authentic, like I. You know, I mean, when in fact, I mean, women in porn that are usually are more attractive is when they at least give the appearance of it.

You know, it's authentic. They're not acting for the camera, they're not making up a plot. They're, you know, they're two people. That's why like the semi amateur stuff where you, they really are a couple [00:19:00] and you're watching them, you know, have sex in some way. Like that's, you know, that, that's something that, that turns me on.

So I guess I've kind of meandered about, but did I, did I answer the question?

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Well, yeah, I think there's, you know, the definition of poly, I don't believe is a definition. And I, I do definitely believe that you can be what people are starting to call now poly minded, which is, I'm not in the poly relationship, but I'm poly minded. Um, one of the things that strikes me about your relationships is if your dominant has other submissives is in other relationships, then you are being poly,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah,

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: you know,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: AB absolutely.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Polly is about, you know, its core it's about mastering jealousies, understanding nvs. It's about coming to a place where you can [00:20:00] love someone without the expectation that there is some mythical. You are the only ones who can fulfill each other's needs. Now, whether you're

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: True.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: it in this moment or not, know.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah, I, I guess for me, I would always get stuck in the like, but I'm gonna love so hard that I'm gonna need so much from them that it's just like, I mean, it it, it wasn't like the idea of getting jealous of them being with others or it's like, like the term cuck for people to lose the cuck chair.

And I'm like, I don't want to be cued. I'm like, I want to be having what I, whatever I consider sex with my dominant. Like, like, I mean, yeah, that's, to me, I mean, that's part of it. So. It was like, I'm like, yeah, I'm a sub, but I'm not a, I'm not a chole and I have zero interest in it. And it's a, it's a common, I don't know, it's like a common high fantasy for a lot of dominant women.

And it, I don't know. I, I wouldn't say it upsets me 'cause you know, they're allowed to have their fun, but it's, it feels like it makes it even harder, you know? It's like, like, I like to do, like I've [00:21:00] done a lot of, you know, the, you know, the feminization, the sissy play, all of that. Then at the end of the day, I'm like, but then they always get to the point where they want to push you towards men.

Like I, I, so there's a, there's a dominant, and she runs a site, um, I'm not gonna name the site, but, um, and she started playing with me in, you know, private messages once, and it was, it was hot, it was amazing. I loved it. And when I basically raised a yellow flag, 'cause she was asking me to flirt with men.

And I'm like, I can't do that. And she, I mean, she didn't push, but she stopped playing with me.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Hmm.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: And it's, it was, I don't know. I mean, it was disappointing and it's something that I think I now have realized I have to get over. Um, it came up, I guess the, the last podcast. Um, it's like I, I have to fight for myself and I have to not be afraid that that's gonna, that they're gonna leave because they're like, oh, well that's something I need from this, and if you can't give it to me, then I'm out.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Well, [00:22:00] you know, with all of those things, you have to find your people. We, we all have our boundaries that we have to put in place. And sometimes your hard no is a hard yes from someone else, and it's a deal breaker. Um, sucks when that happens, but it happens and you gotta be true to yourself. You, you gotta stick to that.

And you know, in, in my own play, I have boundaries that I'm like, I won't go there. And I've lost a number of relationships because partner wanted something that I wasn't willing to give. It happens. So you've been on our podcast now a bunch of times. We got you now admitting that you're poly. What other stuff have you learned from our podcast? I always like asking people like, know, the, the core of it is always about those lessons that we, that we didn't. And I know the other day I had an, an epiphany for [00:23:00] myself, which was a realization that a couple of things that I was calling jealousies were envys. And that was a big one for me the other day, and it came up in one of our podcasts.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: So what do you, what do you what? Are using to differentiate jealousy and envy.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Jealousy is I'm watching my partner do something and jealous they're my partner and I don't want that other person touching them. Envy is, I'm watching my partner do something. And I wanna be doing that with someone else. She, she runs off with some good looking guy and I'm sitting there drinking a beer going,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: You're like, where? Where? Where's my good looking? Pretty sure you're still looking at girls

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: right,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: to, to run off with and do something.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: right. So you're sitting there and you're going, jealousy is, I'm mad that she's with them.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah,

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: is, I'm [00:24:00] mad that she has opportunities that I don't.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: An envy is on you. Envy is something that you have to deal with yourself. If

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Absolutely.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: it's not your partner's fault.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: jealous, that's something you have to address.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah. I guess, I mean, one thing that I've heard that we talk about a lot and uh, I'm trying to make it happen is, uh, you know, using wing men or wing women

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Oh, yeah.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: and, uh, and, uh, I mean even, so, uh, it was funny early on, um, I think. I think Heather like pinged you that she wanted to reach out to me and you sent me her number and I was like, oh, this is great.

And then my life got super busy and I never did anything with it. Um, and I finally rolled back and pinged her the other day and we've been chatting, uh, which is nice. Um, she's more in my area. She's, you know, there hooked into the scene here and hopefully finally make some plans to go to some local things to kind of meet my local community.

Um, that was the other thing I [00:25:00] loved about the convention, is it, it was, it's like. Munches can be very intimidating. Um, and I guess it, you know, it seemed weird. It's like I flew halfway across the country to attend something in person with people so I could feel, you know, brave enough and comfortable enough to attend in person in my own city.

Because there's, there's a, I guess, I guess I realize it's like, yeah, it's less risky if you're doing it somewhere else, where like if anyone sees you or anything, whatever goes, it's just, it's not gonna come back to haunt you. 'cause you're like, peace out. I'm gonna the other, you know, side of the side of the continent.

Um, even though I have very little shame sometimes probably I need some more shame, maybe. I don't know. Um, but yeah, so I mean, yeah, it's like I have plans now for some local things and I don't know if it's just good luck or karma or kismet, but there seem to be a lot more like board game meetups, um, in the kink community here in San [00:26:00] Diego or the greater San Diego area.

So I can. I That's, that's not too big of a detail. I think we've already given that away before SoCal.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Um, yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah, that's

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: So, yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: I, coming from a, a different generation, I never made that association of, um, board games with kink players.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: It was made for me, um, you know, recently and at least with, with Deming sexual, and it just, just seems so true. 'cause like you said, it's a game, right? That we're playing. It's a fantasy that we're playing in. But it has some structure and some rules, and that's what we have in our games. And I mean, there's all sorts of theme games too.

So you can go all sorts of ways. And a lot of them have like an an, an element, you know, you have a goal and a thing you're trying to accomplish, but then there's social deduction, there's all this, this bluffing and, and stuff. So you're getting to know. People around the circle, oh, are you vicious and aggressive?

Are you [00:27:00] passive? Are, you know, these things, these dynamics that then play into our, into our play And what we're curious about, I think in, uh, in a lot of, in a lot of kink things. So they appeal to us.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: How long have you been in the kink scene?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Um. I mean, in the scene, I don't even know if I am yet, but, um, kinky, like forever. Um, when I was in high school, maybe no middle school, high school, high school, I got a modem is a 1200 bought Hayes modem. So that dates me in a little bit. You're nodding so it dates you, but I know you're decades older and, uh, we call local.

I know whatever. Usually I'm the older one. So this is, this is, I get feel young here. Um. So, uh, you know, you call other computers and whatnot and, you know, we had our own version of the dark web back then, and you could access things and I think it [00:28:00] was alt kink femdom or alt femdom kink or whatever. And I discovered aka uh, Akasha, who still is.

I would love to somehow run into her eventually. Uh, she actually is in, she lives in the Southern California area in Long Beach. Um, but she was, she would, she wrote, you know, erotica, um, on that, I guess it was like a use, I think Usenet was the term for it. It's like long threads and stuff, and that's where I found it.

And I would print out my porn and I would read it. And, you know, enjoy myself. And, uh, what was amusing to me is even back then she was big into pegging. And I'm like, that's definitely a hard no for me. Like that's exit only. Um, which if you've listened to the podcast, you know, is not exit only for me anymore.

Um, but yeah. So I mean, I read that and, you know, found, found audios. I forget how old I was when I first found, um. Hypnosis. I think early on I really didn't get much into it, but it was a [00:29:00] way to kind of explore more taboo things. And so yeah, I was always interested in it. I mean, I even remember dreams when I was younger that are kind of weird, but looking back I'm like, they're so kinky.

Like it was telling me what my kink was, but I didn't know it. Um, so I kind of think, I don't know, maybe we're born that way. Uh, I mean. There's definitely, there's always a component of, uh, of, of, of nurture and environment. But I think a lot of things are nature. You just, you know, we're, we're wired a certain way.

Um, I've always, always been really smart, been told I was really smart, then been told I was an idiot. But, uh, it was always 'cause I was, I don't know, just too analytical,

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: You're super confident in your sexuality. How,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: huh?

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: how'd you get there?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Because I'm old and I do a lot of introspection, I guess. But I don't know. I mean, it sounds like confidence to you, but I mean, I know you well, so it's easier to talk that way. Um, I mean, when I get [00:30:00] around women, when I'm with women, I wouldn't say that. Um, I've definitely been very, and I don't want to use the term submissive because I think it paints a poor picture of submissives, but I've been very hesitant.

Um, I've always been a big guy. I think because of that, you become the big bear that walks softly and you don't want to hurt other people. Um, I, I always thought. Maybe I wasn't that I was sympathetic, but I realized more and more that I am very empathetic and, you know, their pain becomes my pain. Their, on the other coin where I'm very kinky, it's like her pleasure is my pleasure and the main, like her, her happiness makes me happy.

You know, when, when, when you hear that, when she makes those, those involuntary noises, it's like that's a, that's the goal. Like that's the score. I mean, when I am, you know, with someone or intimate, like I'm not really, I'm not interested in getting, I'm not [00:31:00] not interested in getting off, but. To me, it's like, well, I'll get there eventually.

Or if I get there early, like, so what? Like, you know, we're here, we're still awake. Like that the, the, you know, I mean, I, I never under, like, I never understood, 'cause it wasn't a part of my equation to be like, oh, that's the end. We're done. That's success. I mean, to me it was, it was always about, about time and everyone feeling good.

I mean, I don't know. Uh, I listened to a lot of love line when I was really young and I was like, I am not that fucked up. So.

So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I just, I've learned to sound confident even when I wasn't, I guess I was, uh, I was in leadership stuff a lot in high school and uh, used to say it's like, Hey, when you're like 51% sure, just act like you're a hundred percent sure so people will follow you. And it's kind of become a force of habit, which isn't always good.

I think as I'm older and I'm in a, I'm in situations where I'm purposely [00:32:00] leading. I try to wait till it's like 60, 65% before I act like I'm a hundred percent sure, but I think I accidentally in like. In like personal life, if I'm like 35% sure, I act like I'm a hundred percent sure. And that doesn't, that doesn't always go so well.

'cause then the odds are not in your favor and then you're wrong when you sound right and you sound pompous and all those things. And I've definitely learned, I mean, it doesn't help. You know, having the, you know, the, the cis white man appearance, even though, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm Jewish, so I've been a minority my entire life in an anti-Semitic town that even doesn't know it's anti-Semitic.

And, uh, and then realizing I'm demisexual, which I'm still. Still find myself uneasy going into queer spaces, um, because it's like, yeah, I'm into women, I'm into, I, I I'm into, and I'm, I'm realizing even more I'm into those presenting as women, those sounding is what we consider feminine. So, [00:33:00] because even like I'll see a beautiful woman who's a woman who's, you know, not trans, and I'm not trying to make the distinction, but just.

You know, to me they're under the same umbrella of, of woman. Um, and she'll have a really deep voice. And some people find that sexy and I'm like, oh my God. Uh, I'm gonna run and hide. Like, I mean, I'll play a game with her. I'll play board game. Let's, let's have some fun. But I am not turned on at all. Um, but then I hear, you know, the more high pitched, classically feminine, feminine, uh, voice.

And I could hear it from someone who presents and identifies as a man, but I don't, I'm not, I'm not seeing them and I'm getting turned on and then I see them and I'm like. Oops. Uh, that's a he. I didn't realize that. Um, and that's, and that's kind of a really, really recent revelation. Um, we'll, we'll, we'll see how true it is when, you know, you put the, uh, put the, put the something to the pavement.

Um, you know, when, when you actually try to convert something from fantasy to reality and see if, if you're right or if it was just, it's [00:34:00] fun and fine and safe in a fantasy, in a, in a story to think about. In the reality you're, you know, once you try it on, it doesn't quite fit.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: We talked about that last night, there's,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Yeah,

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: that point where all of a sudden that fantasy is gonna become reality and it really what you want still,

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: and part of exploring down the roads that we go down is you, you gotta test that boundary every now and then, and quite frequently the answer is. Now that worked a lot better in my head than it did in reality.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Absolutely.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So what great advice would you have to young men who are starting down the path that you went down? What, what do you know now that you wish you had known when you were younger?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: So be confident even though you're submissive, that that like. [00:35:00] You still need to be confident. You still need to tell her what you want and tell her what you need. And, um, a lot of the, a lot of the terms out there that you hear on social media are used piss poorly. And they're dominant women who don't, who aren't very learned, who are, who are hot and who jump into these, these tropes.

And you're like, you're kind of turned on. Kind of turned off, but. You know, just, yeah, it's like they, they aren't the end all, be all. Um, I don't know. These are all random words, but I, I guess really that, that main one, and I learned it from, and also the, the other thing, and I think why I've learned so much recently is I had, I, I broke my ankle, as you know.

It was, it was massive. They also found cancer and they got, they got that out. I'm cancer free. I have a scan coming up soon. It was kidney cancer, which I've said this before. If you have to get cancer. It's like one of the best ones because [00:36:00] they just have to cut it outta you and like chemo and all those things, usually you don't have to go through.

So it's not, it's not as terrible, but you're still on the five year scan cycle. Um, and I'm just beginning that and it's still kind of freaky. Um, but it's made me live more for today. Get outta my head a bit. Um, you know, and yeah, I mean, if you're submissive, you know, learn skills that women like, which is learn how to cook, learn how to massage, learn how to clean actually well, because if they ever do give you the opportunity to do it for them, and like, like except for cooking, I mean, massage, I kind of like, but I don't know how the hell to do it.

So I'm not very good at it. But I don't like to clean, but I do like to clean for a dominant woman. And there is a huge difference, and eventually you'll learn what it is. Uh, for a while I thought, oh, maybe I'm a service slave. And I'm like, no, no, not really. I mean, once it, once I have that rapport established, then I like to do things for her.

Uh, you know, um, I, I love especially doing the [00:37:00] things I'm good at, cooking is definitely one of them. And, you know, whatever those things are, they're your passion or they're your hobby. You know, dive into those and get good at them. And then you have, you know, something to offer and get good at life because then you have something to offer and then they will hunt you.

And that's the way we, and, you know, you then get to be prey and it's fun. And, uh, yeah. I, I, I guess that's, that's the best I can say. I don't know. I'm still learning. I mean, that, that's the other thing is always be open to learning.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: What have we not covered tonight?

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: I don't know. I guess we've, we've covered a, a lot of my origin, which is, which is good I guess. 'cause it's the one-on-one, so I get to be the center of retention, which is fun. Um, I don't know, man. Uh, I mean, what was the, what was the, uh, goal of this interview? Yeah.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: goals in our conversations. They're

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Absolutely. That drives me nuts. [00:38:00] I'm, because I'm always looking at like, what's the question gonna be?

Okay, do I have something? Bring the table for that, yes or no? And sometimes I'm like, I'm just here to listen. 'cause, 'cause you know, Alonzo needed another seat at the table tonight and, and he's freaking out and he freaks out about stuff he doesn't need to freak out about, but whatever. Um, you know, he's a, he's a little bit of a drama lama, even though, even though he, even though he is a, a dominant man.

Um, but yeah, I don't know, man.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: our

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: Uh, fem femdom is cool. F lrs I think are cool. I, I guess I've only sort of been in one, um. But I, I guess one thing, so a a, a good friend of mine who you also know, but I guess she'll remain nameless, um, he's always like, ah, I've done the dominant thing, and I tell him what to do this and that.

Like, you just like them to tell you what to do. I'm like, yes, but no. Like, it's more than that. And it's okay for it to be more than that. I guess we, we could end on my one pet peeve, [00:39:00] which is the, the term beta, and they use beta and loser like. Interactive and both of those, it's like if a woman calls me especially loser, I'd be like, yeah, fuck you.

I mean, I ain't submitting to you. Um, because it's like, it's not, it's not about that. Like it's, you know, if you look in wolf pack dynamics, the beta is high up in the right, it goes alpha. Beta, that's the second one, right? You're not this down, you're not like a lowly PAC member, or heaven forbid the Omega.

Like, there's all this structure to it and it means something. And to me it's like, I'm, I'm a lieutenant. Like I have, I have a lot of, you know, free will. Um, I almost wanna find the comment I said to Shibby. She, she was complaining that like her, all, all her, all her pets that she brought to the convention aren't going to eat unless she feeds them.

And I'm like. They can, like, they're grown people. They know how to eat, they know how to, like, they can do it. Just, you know, you know, just tell, put one of them in charge of it. And she's like, ah, it won't work. And I'm like, [00:40:00] like, you need, you need a better cast of, you know, it gave me hope. I'm like, well, that means you have no betas.

You just have all these, you know, deltas or whatever, which is fine. They're good. They're good. You need that for a nice pack. But that means there's a job opening that I want. Um, and yeah, you know, I mean, don't, you're, you know, don't be a loser. Don't, don't accept that, but, you know, have some, have, have a little bit of pride that you, you know, your submission to her is a gift.

The, the fact that, that you can. Receive orders from her and you're gonna do them, and you're gonna do them immediately and not think about them because you know she has your best interest at heart. She has, you know, whatever she's trying to accomplish. She's not gonna put you in a bad situation that you've discussed your boundaries and all of that.

But also that means when you first meet her, you won't be able to be that perfect submissive that you want to be. Fucking impossible, right? Because you need rapport. You need to build those things, and that should be okay. And if it's not okay to her, [00:41:00] I mean, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing and you should not engage.

Now you can get to know her and maybe, you know, and talk, but let her take her own journey. And then maybe by the time she knows what the fuck she's doing, she would've been like, yeah, he's been around. And he said no. And he should've said no. But now, now I know how to get that. Yes. Um, and maybe I'll get lucky and that'll happen to me.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: So we gonna still see you on the podcast.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: I mean, yeah. What else am I gonna do on Sunday nights? I like conversation. Kind of a conversation whore

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Well, it was great getting to know you better tonight, although I have personally known you for quite a while.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: you have.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: Our audience now has gotten a deeper look into the mind. That is Max.

max--he-him-_1_02-09-2026_180456: It's a little frightening. You're welcome.

host---alonzo-banx_1_02-09-2026_180456: I am Alonzo Banks. This has been the Pai SoCal podcast. to you all soon.

​[00:42:00]