Compersion, Envy, and Jealousy: Understanding the Emotional Landscape

In this episode, the PolySoCal panel takes a focused look at three emotions central to polyamorous relationships: compersion, envy, and jealousy. The conversation explores how these feelings differ, how they often overlap, and how timing, communication, and emotional awareness shape the way they impact relationships.

Through personal experiences, the group examines how jealousy can signal unmet needs, how envy can arise from exclusion rather than fear of loss, and how compersion can develop over time through trust and security. The discussion also highlights the importance of processing emotions internally before communicating them, and how thoughtful delivery can strengthen connection rather than create unintended harm.

This episode offers grounded insight into the emotional complexity of polyamory and reinforces that these experiences are not signs of failure, but opportunities for deeper understanding and growth.

 Alonzo Banx, Max, Patty, Heather, Jon, Cookie, Lana, Blake 

Transcript

Episode 36: Compersion, Envy, and Jealousy
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[00:00:00] 

Host - Alonzo Banx: Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks, and tonight we're going to be talking about that point where Compersion meets en meets envy and jealousy. We've got Max Patty, Heather, John, cookie, Blake, and Jonah in the house tonight. Hi everybody.

Jon: Hello.

Cookie: Hi.

Heather: Hi.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Let's go around and do the hello things. Introduce yourself to those who don't know. Max, you're up first. Say hi

Max: Hi, I'm Max. I'm the, uh, single poly open submissive male who is demisexual.

Host - Alonzo Banx: and welcome back. We, we just did a, a deep dive with you the other day. Yeah, Patty, welcome.

patty: Thank you. I'm Patty. I am married to John. I am engaged to Heather and dating. Beep, I have. Another partner as well. And John and I have been in lifestyle for 30, I dunno, a long time. Real long time. 31 years, something like that.

Host - Alonzo Banx: And we've got a whole bunch of your Poly [00:01:00] Q on tonight, so let's go. Let's go over to your fiance, Heather.

Heather: Hi, I am Heather. Um, married to Biebers. I engaged to Patty and dating John, in a lifestyle for 15 years and yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Welcome. All right, John. Say hi.

Jon: Hi, I am John. You may have heard of me from, uh, from Patty and Heather's introductions. I am married to Patty. I'm dating Heather and Beeb is my Metamor and have about 30 plus years experience with Polly stuff.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Oh, you're that John.

Jon: I am that John.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Got it. Got it. And then next year we, we've got the famous cookie, but it's only one of the pastries tonight. The rest of you probably heeled, didn't make it.

Cookie: No, not tonight. They're taking a break and that's okay. We had a nice Valentine's Day, so that was fun. Um, but yeah, uh, I'm Cookie. Uh, my nesting partner is Noah, which I'm sure you've heard on here a lot. Um, and my other partner [00:02:00] is, is Cupcake and yeah, they're not here to join me tonight, but I'll be here representing.

And, uh, we're, we're honestly still pretty new to this, so, um. You know, in the less than three year stack of, of full experience for all of us we're, we're and loving it.

Host - Alonzo Banx: And I am thrilled that you're with us tonight Lana. I.

Lana: Hello everybody. I'm Lana and I'm in relationship with Blake. We are new we are experiencing, we are exploring, and I'm happy to be here.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Yeah, we're thrilled to have you and, um, but the question for tonight, um, comes from, um, some stuff that I was dealing with recently and the revelation between, um. Envy and jealousy and where that line lies and how it, how it plays in with compersion.

So at what point in your relationships do you realize that you're not feeling it? Jealousy, you're feeling envy. And how do you deal with that when you're [00:03:00] happy for your mates? I mean, it's a, that line gets really confusing for me anyway. How about for you, John? Go ahead.

Jon: So, uh, uh, there's something that I'm hearing from you in this question that I, I think might be a, a almost a false start in it. That, uh, that there is a line somewhere between the two. I, I think that they coexist sometimes. They, I think they're two different planes of thought, honestly. You know, something isn't a, an internal reaction to. some kind of challenge that you're dealing with while the other one is something that you feel for somebody that you're in love with. when you see them happy, it's, they're kind of two different things. They can crash into each other all the time. uh, I have a hard time with saying that, that you know, that you've learned.

I think that the learning compersion and understanding it and leaning into it is a great tool for managing some of these feelings that you might have. But, uh, I don't think they're on the same. Wavelength.

Host - Alonzo Banx: I wanna push [00:04:00] into that. I think you, uh, first of all, I think you're right. I think you can have both jealousy and envy and conversion all at the same time. So I, I don't think they are mutually exclusive of each other, and I think often they happen in the same time. What is your definition of envy and jealousy?

What, what do you see as the difference? 'cause I know what I do in my lexicon. What, what do you see John as the difference between those two?

Jon: Between envy and jealousy, uh, envy would, for me at least be. Something you wish that you had, that somebody else is having that you would like to have that thing? Uh, jealousy to me would be, it could be a number of different, uh, feelings that are, that come from a different, some, several different places you are just, you're feeling this dread, this feeling of, of ugliness that somebody is experiencing something and, and you might feel. This jealous dread because of a number of different problems. Either you have an insecurity thing or it could be envy, or it could be a fear of [00:05:00] abandonment and all these different things that can lead to it. But, uh, jealousy is almost like an umbrella term for me.

Heather: How do you teach somebody conversion and how to have conversion?

Host - Alonzo Banx: Oh, um, my opinion, you, you can teach someone what compersion is. It's a word that's easy to explain. How to teach someone to have compersion. Oh, I don't know if you can do that one. Uh, you can explain the process. Making someone feel the process. And just to be clear from my definitions, and I know all of us use something different.

You're at a party and you're with your significant other or others, and you're watching them play and you're happy for them. You, you have great joy in their happiness that is conversion when you can sit back and watch your partners play and feel good about them doing it. Jealousy is the negative emotion where you come back and you're [00:06:00] feeling, oh my God, they're going, that they're gonna leave me for that person.

That person is better than me. All of the reasons that you can get negative about it. Envy is when you're sitting at the bar having a drink because no one wants to play with you and your partner is off playing with eight other people and you're pissed off because you're not involved. It's easy to confuse the envy for the jealousy because you're thinking, well, they're doing this and I'm not.

And it's like, no, you're not. You're not jealous, you're envious. And those emotions can, as John pointed out, all happened at the same time. That's my thought on that. Does anyone have a different opinion on Patty? Had something you wanna say please?

patty: I think for me, um, when it comes to envy and jealousy, jealousy is more of, something's being taken away from me, or the thought of something being taken away from me, and somebody being better than me or this or that. Envy for me is more of like a fear of missing out. [00:07:00] So, for example, um, Heather and B and John and someone else all played a game board game they were all there and I had an obligation to go somewhere and I had a bit of fomo. Do I like board games? Not really, don't, but it's a little bit of fomo, right? Like, uh, jealousy to me would. more like Beeb is going on a date with another woman and I feel like, oh, she might be taking my person. Maybe she's better than me and I'm jealous. Maybe they're going to a restaurant that I really wanted to go to and I feel jealous. That is, um, how I kind of define the two. For them, and I have experienced, um, both compersion and jealousy at the same time.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Yes.

patty: Like they can [00:08:00] coexist and if John's out with somebody I am, I might be very, um, really enjoying the fact that he's 

enjoying that person. also feeling like, Hey, what about me?

You know, um, what about, you know, you're, 

you did this with that person. What about me? um, I have experienced all of them all at one, all crashing in at the same, time.

Host - Alonzo Banx: I agree with you. I think absolutely things like that can happen at the same time. And, um, Heather, if you notice, max was smiling, and Patty, I gotta agree with you, the, the FOMO to that game, one of those players sent me a photo as everyone was sitting around the table. To the same game. To the same game, by the way.

And as I was at an event with Max yesterday, I was going, man, that kind of sucked. I got this photo and I wasn't able to be there. So I'm, I'm with you, Patty. Same [00:09:00] game. Same fomo. Yep.

Max: To,

Host - Alonzo Banx: you had something you wanted to say?

Max: yeah. To, you know, circle around a, can you teach conversion? So as a submissive, a lot of fem doms, that's kind of an early focus when you're first new to it and new to submitting. I think the steps that you get led through is, you know. You know, you, your goal is, is to make your partner, in this case your mistress happy and learning that, hey, can, I can make her happy, or I can facilitate her happiness, not directly. have to be me in the room. It's, it's other things in other ways, and that's kind of the first step in realizing that. it is just about her happiness. And John might correct me or give me a nuance to this 'cause I'm, I think his definition is a little more complex than mine. Um, and then you get led into realizing, Hey, anything that I can do that sets that up, or then eventually just merely experiencing or sensing [00:10:00] her happiness makes you happy because you realize it's not like it, it wasn't about you achieving something. These little steps of breaking down how you get into those feelings, at least for me, I think maybe, um, has allowed me to, to, to learn what it is.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Cookie, you're being awful quiet tonight.

Cookie: I'm sorry. Um, I, uh, yeah, I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. I feel like, um, me, compersion has been a really interesting, unique emotion to add to the. Flavor profile of, of positive experiences you can have with a person. Like, um, in the realm of shared things, like you could share a great conversation with, with one other person or a group of people, you could share a good meal with all of those people.

And I feel like in some ways, compersion is an extension of that, where you're like, you're in this space together, you're all connected and enjoying. Nobody feels invalidated. We're all kind of sharing it and taking it in. And I think it can be a little more difficult. [00:11:00] Um. when it goes more intimate, especially when it goes more sexual for people to face that.

'cause that's not something I think,

Lana: Hmm.

Cookie: at least culturally here, like we really even see or experience or expose to or even given the chance to, to feel that. So when we, when we see it and experience it and don't have that experience, I feel like it can add to the shock. It can add to the difficulty of experiencing it for what it is and not just reacting to the shock of it or reacting to. Um, the fact that it's new and being uncomfortable in that space, um, in that maybe you invalidate yourself. Like, I think it's, it's something that comes from being in secure in the space that you're in. Um, and I think that that's really core to that, to that feeling. I don't think you can experience it unless you feel like you are actually secure. Um. yeah, you, you might kind of be happy to see, you know, someone you love over there being happy. But then again, yeah, you might start to have the feelings creeping in or some kind of guilt that you're really down on [00:12:00] yourself creeping in. Um, and that can really take away from it, that can really kind of cloud your experience of conversion.

It could make you say like, oh, I don't experience conversion. Um. So I, I don't know. I felt like kind of adding that in, but yeah, I agree that, you know, jealousy is very much around like the thing, there's something being taken from me, there's something I'm not getting as a result of this thing happening over here.

Like it's a very direct kind of threat. Response. Um, whereas Envy is like, wow, I really wish I had that. Like, I can't even imagine how to set my life up for something like that. But it, you know, and it, it feels bad to not have that right now. You know, like it's, it's kind of a little bit more outside of yourself, um, but something you'd, like, something that's linked to your desire usually. Um, and I kind of try to bucket them in that way.

Host - Alonzo Banx: As watching a lot of men, couples come in and out through the poly world, is envy something that you think you have to be okay with, or is it something that you can learn to deal with? [00:13:00] Because I think as, as a man in the poly world, every night for us, you go to a party and females get all the attention, and the guys are the ones sitting there begging to be noticed.

And the reality is. That's what it's like for a man at a poll party.

Jon: Yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Do you learn it or do you think you have to come in with it and those who can do it stay.

Jon: Uh, I'm, everybody, everybody's learning constantly. Right? So there's, you're, you're on a path of, of enlightenment, I assume. It's something like that, right? Uh, I, I don't think that you have to be anywhere to get started on it, but your ability to adjust and to. To, to harness that matters tremendously. Um, was something I wanted to actually suggest, uh, and, and, and it's kind of an incomplete thought, but on the subject of like teaching [00:14:00] conversion, I often com I often compare. Polyamory to having multiple children, right? So the whole argument of if you have one child, but then you have another child coming to the picture, do you stop loving the first child to love the second one and stuff like, and, and it's a simple equation to look at in terms of having multiple partners. let's say that your. is having a moment with your child, with this child that you share, or even better, perhaps a stepchild, and you have an opportunity to feel envy, jealousy, because they're experiencing something, but it's more likely that you're gonna look at that and think, God, I love that, that this is blossoming, that this is a loving, wonderful thing, has nothing to do with you in this moment. Uh, you're witnessing your child and your spouse or your, your partner. Experiencing this moment. And, and it's that, that feeling of like, like, wow, this is beautiful. And, and trying to find that, uh, I, I think [00:15:00] that's how I would try to, so to, so to speak, teach it. And I'm curious if that would work.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, I don't, I don't think he tried. I think he just gave a master's course there. That could have been a ted that could, that could have been a TED talk in, in the topic. Um, very, very well said Lana.

Lana: I truly love what John just said and um. It's my thoughts, but I did not have words for that. And being in a relationship with Blake and learn who we are and how we are expanding and just going to next level, constantly just evolving when we start dating, said It's not jealousy, it's envy, and he. Distinct definition I did not have for me. If I feel good, I'm happy and, um, I, I feel my happiness I can share with the group if I feel kind of like constricted. It's something I would not say [00:16:00] jealous is negative, but it's kind of like discomfort in my body, what I learn. About evangelism. I don't know even how to explain what I feel inside the moment.

I'm comparing myself with somebody. If I gonna compare me and uh, party, I gonna lose right away or. Say, I'm so exotic, I'm so different, and I'm beautiful and perfect and piety is beautiful and perfect. And the hazard is beautiful and perfect, and cookie is beautiful and perfect. So, but we all are different. And from position of not comparing, think I feel more. I have more space to create more co conversion for my partner because I'm not comparing him with anybody else too, and it's helping me a lot. And now, just to keep mind John's philosophy, it's even, [00:17:00] um, getting more, more sense to me what I was doing and what I'm doing.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Patty, go ahead.

patty: I just wanted to say like, I do think you can teach. Conversion, and I think it is a lifelong thing. And you really dive into that, um, babies as young as like six months old, start showing jealousy because, uh, they are competing for their parents' attention. And, um, there's this thought that resources are scarce, so you need to compete for resources and you can kind of see that when you think about. Uh, things in polyamory when you look at relationships, this mentality of I'm competing for my partner's attention. And so I do think you can teach it just the same as you teach your siblings to love each other and to love parents, and to get along with each other and realize that at some point you realize that you're both loved and you're loved differently, [00:18:00] that sort of helped. Helps settle you into where you're at in your partner's life.

Not a, oh, I'm done and I'm good. I'm never gonna experience jealousy. I'm never gonna experience that feeling anymore. It's a lifelong thing that it's constantly something you chip away at and relearn and, and choose to focus on the good things in your relationship.

Choose to focus on what you have in your relationship.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, I think the key to what you said is it's you competing for resources and you have to show them that it's not a limited resource.

patty: Yes.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Um, Heather, I see you wanna say something, but Max looks, you look like you wanted something first.

Max: So it's, it is been on my mind a little bit as we've been talking. Like it seemed like we're giving jealousy a, a negative rap. I think with all of these, I mean different amounts, but even a, a little bit of jealousy can be good. Um, I think. kind of a, a lead indicator, like when it happens or you feel it, it's [00:19:00] probably something you want to address quickly, um, or think about or realize where, why, or where it's coming from.

I know a lot of times, for me, um, that, that, that paying of, of jealousy or seeing, you know, a dominant I'm involved with, be jealous of me with other times can be. turn on or something that helps lead into knowing that, oh, it, it lets me know where, where I really do stand. And it's, it's an important thing.

Um, I, I don't think it's just completely a negative thing. I, I think we've all come to be like, oh and envy we can, you know, we can handle envy 'cause we can do something about it. We can either, you know, get up, get up from that bar and go look or make some other plans while we're sitting at that bar. Not being involved in things.

And it seems like compersion is the one that, where it's like, eh, the more you can get, the better. The more you can experience it, the better.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Heather.

Heather: So we've been talking about how all three are kind of [00:20:00] intertwined, right? You can experience all three at once. My question is, um, how do you experience Compersion and have compersion for someone? But then Max said you need to address jealousy quickly. Um. Mm. My frustration is if a partner comes to me and says, I'm glad you had fun, but I felt this way, this way, and this way, and then I feel guilty about the time I had, because then my partner is feeling all these bad feelings and I didn't.

I didn't receive enough compersion. All I received was this. vomit of jealousy, envy, emotions, and not enough conversion. So how do you, what's the timeline for dealing with that emotion also giving your partner that conversion they need?

Host - Alonzo Banx: You just gave me the perfect segue. Max's gonna what you answer, but you gave me the perfect segue into the question I was gonna ask. We often in this community [00:21:00] talk about how jealousy is your own problem. Envy is your own problem. It's not your partner's problem. I don't agree. I think that when you look at your partner and say, I'm jealous, it is a partnership problem, and you both need to work through it together for a partner to look at me and say, oh, that's your jealousy.

You need to deal with it. If I'm jealous, it means that I'm not feeling fulfilled enough in our relationship to be secure enough to allow you to have that compersion. So I'm saying that because I'm looking for you to help me feel more secure in our relationship so we can move forward. Envy is my problem, as Max said.

If I'm sitting at the bar and I'm envious, I, I need to do something. I need to wear better clothes, go do something. I need to make myself more attractive. I, I need to make myself more the center of attention so that I'm not sitting alone at the Bar. Envy is my fault. Jealousy. I don't see as being entirely my fault.

I see jealousy as being a deficiency in the [00:22:00] relationship where I don't feel secure enough and that is a partnership problem to me. Patty, go ahead. As a couple people wanna jump in and say, as I thought you would, but Patty gone.

patty: I think you can have, security and your relationship and still get jealous because, for example, John and I have a wonderful marriage that man meets my needs all the time. Um, however. he's with Heather and he's showering her with my love language and I feel like this is new relationship energy and you haven't done this for me, and that for me, I get very up.

Uh, my feels about it. Um, and it is not a, I wouldn't wanna take that from Heather. I want her to have all of the things, nor would I want John to not shower her with all of the physical attention. So, what I need to, uh, what I tend to do is start asking for what I need. A, I need some physical touch from you because, [00:23:00] you know, I, I feel unloved in this moment.

I, I feel like you don't do the same things for me, um, in this moment. You don't come up behind me in the kitchen when I'm cooking and, and wrap your arms around me. And it, for me, it's more of an indicator of, oh, we forgot that we used to do these things and I miss them, and I would really like them back. So I, I feel like you can have jealousy. Um, in a secure relationship,

Host - Alonzo Banx: But I think you just said exactly what I did, which was you were feeling a deficiency in the relationship and you went to him and you addressed it with him, and by putting it in front of him and allowed him to fill that need that you were feeling the void on,

patty: yes, but I didn't know

Host - Alonzo Banx: it wasn't so,

but it wasn't. Right, but but when it was, when it did come up.

You were able to go to him and say, Hey, this is what I'm feeling, rather than what is, what is a more communal answer or getting to be? And I, I'm hearing it a lot lately, is, [00:24:00] it's your problem. Deal with it. I don't have to deal with your jealousy, deal with it on your own. It's like, no, wait a minute. We are in a relationship.

I'm feeling jealous. Means there's a deficiency in our relationship. And in your case, you just went, Heather, I see you wanna get, 'cause I know you wanna come back at me. But in this case, that's exactly what you did. You went to John and said, John, fill it. Heather, please tell me why I'm wrong.

Heather: Oh, you're not wrong. Um, I totally agree. Uh, jealousy is not just the one person, uh, deal with it and manage it. Um, how do you express it to someone? Without, um, making them feel guilty with whatever action they did, whatever made you feel jealous. You know, that's the frustrating part for me. 'cause I don't mind helping my partner navigate jealousy at all.

A hundred percent there for it. But if you come at me right away, like right when I get home from whatever activity it was and you word vomit me, I feel instantly [00:25:00] guilty. Whatever I did.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Okay, I'm gonna have to pass this to Blake or, or Lanna .

Lana: So, uh, I do agree. It's, uh, uh, relationship, not even problem, but it's, uh, a space when we can just address this and, uh, very external communicators. So, um. Even we feel safe and sometimes little bit unsafe. We are talking, we are just, uh, getting this, um, external, an external verbiage just, uh, right away and we see just like I'm feeling this and my need, my precious need is. Something and we call this attunement. I'm attune into his feelings and I am safe space for him to just ask me questions and uh, just figure out what is the best for us in the end, end of the day, I'm love and he's my love, and I would [00:26:00] like him to be a. Could just the safe and, uh, feel comfortable and at the same time, where is a safety and freedom?

How can we navigate the that piece?.

Host - Alonzo Banx: NVC is nonviolent communication. It's, it's a way of talking to people where you don't use, you use your I statements rather than you statements. You, you don't come at someone aggressively, um, to go back, Heather. It, it's all about how you get them to talk to you. And NVC is something that I had to be taught a few years back.

Um. In order to approach those kind of topics in the right, uh, uh, way I am feeling not You did so.

It becomes a very good way to address that problem because as, as you put it, Heather, it's, it's all in the approach. You know someone's word vomiting at you as soon as you get home from work, no one's gonna respond well to that about anything,

Patty.

patty: I think, um, when it comes to [00:27:00] expressing jealousy and conversion timing. Is a really big key thing. Um, and I don't know a hundred percent, but maybe for Heather, if the timing was a little bit better on the expression of the jealousy, um, that might hit a little bit differently. So, um, if she had time to just get all the excitement and, all of that, that about the night out and then. Later address. Hey, I was feeling jealous because X, Y, and z. If maybe that would hit a little bit differently. I know in the previous podcast we've kind of touched on that subject a little bit. Um, but I know timing is, is key. Uh, Heather is very compassionate nurturing person. I feel like I am that way too.

So I will instantly feel, uh, guilty if John expresses [00:28:00] jealousy to me. And it will take away from the experience that I had because then I feel will feel bad for experiencing what I experienced, which is never John's intention. He's just trying to meet a need known. But it will read that way to me, um, depending on when that jealousy is brought up to me. Is that true for you, Heather?

Heather: Yes, 110. It, it takes away from the experience for me.

Host - Alonzo Banx: So at what point should he bring it up and do you feel he had,

Heather: I'm curious. I don't know myself.

Host - Alonzo Banx: well do, and I'm gonna put you on the hot seat here a little bit. Do we agree that John has the, the right and in fact the need, and John was speaking for you. To express the jealousy that he feels without having to hold it in because he feels it's gonna take away from you. Where's the middle ground for him to be able to get his needs met while he's meeting your needs?

Lana: Hmm.

Max: I mean, I kind of feel like we've introduced an extra piece to this whole puzzle, which is [00:29:00] guilt and, and, and

Heather: I think, I think if I heard, um, from my partner. I, I was happy for you. I was excited about this and they lived in that moment with me and was, was excited for me and expressed it. Not just say I was happy for you, but I'm glad you got to do that. But I think it's the but thing that goes along. 'cause then you're taking away from you the excitement in general for me, but I was feeling this and it just takes away from me so much.

Host - Alonzo Banx: But your partner has to have a right to be able to say they were having a negative experience.

Heather: I think it's the true, but if you're not living in that excited moment, for me it's, it's just a blimp. Like it's not a significant enough to live in this moment, but I'm gonna really live in this jealousy envious moment for a long time.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Okay, so

I.

Max: in the conversion of, [00:30:00] and, and have you both being sitting in the conversion and that that good, happy feeling for a while. And the fact that they immediately wanted to deal with the jealousy kind of ended your ability to stay in the conversion. Is that, yeah.

Heather: Yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: So if, if it was reversed and you went to an event and you were having a horrible time, but your partner was having a great time, do you feel it's your obligation to not say I'm having a bad time?

Heather: Uh, so I've been in this moment several times with

Host - Alonzo Banx: I.

Heather: um, where he's had a great, fantastic night and I was sitting on the sidelines. I actually, conversion's really easy for me. I live in it for a really long time, especially if I'm not involved at all and I don't experience jealousy or envy. To that max where I need to externally process it with somebody, I'm 100% okay internally processing it on my own. I feel the need to express it to my partner, I will.

Host - Alonzo Banx: I got back to your cookie. You have something you wanna say?

Cookie: Yeah, I just [00:31:00] think, you know, in all of this, and really in any kind of relational challenge, like I think it's always really valuable to allow a pause for everyone. I think in most cases, you know what a. Ever has come up is probably not like a true fire, like a real emergency, that you should just put that first above everything and, and drop on them as soon as possible.

Sure. There are things in life kind of like that. Like, Hey, my mom died, or something like, like that can, that can be a thing. And. And, but if we minimize the number of those things that we approach our partners with in that way, um, it will not only be much more inviting to, to come to them 'cause they'll be, you know, much more willing and welcoming to whatever you have to say. Um. It gives you time to kind of pause and really feel, you know, what, feel your feelings like, really flesh that out and be like, okay, like they did whatever, but what's this about for me? Like, what's the thing that I feel like I'm missing now or didn't get? Or what's the thing that I realized I needed?

[00:32:00] Like, just so you can, can take the time in that moment while it's fresh, while it's hot. Um, to, to lay that out for yourself ahead of time before you kind of go to your partner with it. 'cause I think it's really hard to be like, okay, I'm feeling stuff. I'm gonna work with my partner right away. And you're just going back and forth. You haven't really sorted it out. They're kind of confused and again, yet trying to enjoy, uh, the moment or whatever that happened for them. It's just not, it's not the best time for that, for the, for the most success. I feel like a lot of people, approach, identify a problem, right. And I think calling it a problem before anything has started is a problem. I think it's, it's a challenge. And with any challenge there could be problems and opportunities and I think approach your partner with the opportunities. Identify the opportunities. That there's something they could give you or there's, there's some kind of interaction that could happen that would result in you feeling better.

Then it's not about what your partner did and with who, and you know the story about who they were choosing in that [00:33:00] moment. Um, 'cause that's where it starts to get hurtful and that's really, you know, it's not really going to help you at the end of the day. Now it's just gonna kind of create this rift where you've identified things that you don't like that your partner does with this other person. Um, and it's just, it's a nice relational. Kind of habit to when you're ready to approach with someone foc, it would be opportunity focused as opposed to problem focused. Like I find that helpful.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Okay. Uh, Patty, I'm getting back to you, Heather. I see you wanna say something. I'm definitely giving you the opportunity to come back. But John, we've been, um, talking around you and a about you a bunch. What are your thoughts at this point?

Jon: So there was a, um, another poly event or you know, event that we were in and somebody had brought up this, this or, or way that they managed the, this. This problem that I thought was kind of interesting and, and, and might be helpful in this situation, [00:34:00] in that it w when you're, when you're faced with that moment where you wanna share something with somebody, with your, with your. Significant other of something that happened that is, that you're excited about, but that, but they might not be, you can ask that they put on that friend hat for a moment and, and share that moment with the friend person that you have in that, that partner. And then, which could be sort of a signal of saying, I just wanna share this, uh, this exciting moment. And I, and I hope that you can take this in as a friend before we. any talking about this from a, from a relationship side of things. You know, I'll have the, the lover talk about this, uh, maybe tomorrow or something like that, if possible. And unless it's some burning, like, uh, cookie said, unless there's a fire burning some sort, uh, then we, we might have to address it right now if it's that bad.

But, but I think that if. You've been together for a little while and you're in this place right [00:35:00] now where you are sharing time with somebody else, even though the other person might have some feels about it. It should be probably okay if you're in that place already, that you have that ability to have that conversation with somebody, right?

To just say, Hey listen, I need a friend right now to talk to. 'cause it's exciting.

Host - Alonzo Banx: I like that Patty.

patty: I am not sure where I heard this from. I don't know if it was from Heather or from someone else, um, but when she was talking about the, but I'm happy for you, but I'm glad you had a good time. But, it does take away from things and I heard somewhere somebody had said, instead of saying, but replace, but with, and. I'm happy you had a good time, and I'm feeling jealous. And that to me, if I am want to get better about doing that, um, because that does, it hits me differently and I think it hits my partners differently because it's acknowledging that, yes, I'm [00:36:00] so glad you had this good feeling, and I'm also feeling the same way.

And it, it just reads differently. me, um, I don't know that there is a prescription of how quickly you should talk to your partner and, and you know, also revel in, in the conversion with them. Um, I think each couple is different and I think each situation is very different. Um, but I just think sometimes switching the, and with the, but with the, and does read differently.

Host - Alonzo Banx: That's great advice. Um, Johnna, I see you wanna say something? Um, Heather, go ahead.

Heather: I think also when it's word vomited about the jealousy and the envy, I'm gonna be more reserved. With everything that happened because I don't wanna hurt my partner anymore, so I'm just going to be definitely more reserved with details, hold back information. Honestly, if I feel like any [00:37:00] information I give is just gonna hurt you more because you haven't given me that moment to happily express it, now I have to lay it on thicker for you.

So you feel that even more? I don't know. That's what I feel like in the moment.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, there's no question. That the approach to the communication has to be right. I mean, you keep talking word vomit and, and you know, sound like they're attacking you with negatives. That's never gonna work for anyone in any situation. So, you know, I, I think you and I fundamentally disagree in the timing.

Where there should be a period I, I believe in aftercare, I believe in the ride home discussing things that happened. I don't believe that holding off on communication is ever a good reason, and I don't believe that asking one person to bite down their negative feeling to let you have a positive feeling is ever good.

But I absolutely agree with you that how it's approached, how the conversation comes up is critical. [00:38:00] People have to understand the wording to use and, and Patty's your and is, is beautiful. And the I statements of NDC, you know, not you did this, but I felt this Max I seen you but had had something she wanted to jump in on.

Lana: Just want to add the end statement works a hundred percent timing is very, very important. I hurt my feelings and heard Blake's feeling. I tried to just tell him on the phone something. feel this and I feel that, and it was not right. Timing what we learn, it's working for us. We're sitting in the sofa, we are looking in each other's eyes.

We are holding heads. We are creating. Yes, I love you and I feel this and let's talk about it's works. works. you.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Max.

Max: So I was gonna say with the timing right, you know, you believe aftercare, I think we all believe in aftercare. But [00:39:00] if I'm. So much in my emotions that I can't express anything, then it's not gonna help. I mean, maybe I might wanna say, Hey, was a lot for me to pro. You know, something short.

It's a lot for me to process. I'm trying to figure out a way to say it. And, and also, I mean, what, uh, what Lana just pointed out, you know, the method is really important. I mean, I've had, times with Adam Dom where I was like, we need a time for a phone call. Like, 'cause I knew I couldn't, like, I, I can't text this out.

I can't, I can't type it out to you. Like, I need to be able to talk, I need to be able to hear your voice and the tone of your reaction as I'm speaking, so we can clearly communicate. And so the method is just as important. Um, and you know, sometimes, sometimes like maybe you were both driving home in, I don't know, different, uh, different directions.

That doesn't make sense. Uh, but you know, one person's driving, one person's not, and you're like, the person's driving can't [00:40:00] give a hundred percent of their attention 'cause there's other cars and we don't want to die on the way home. So maybe you, you do have to wait until you're home or Yeah, someone gets home from work and they need a little decompression from work before they can have a real conversation. You know, the, those timings can, can get complicated.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Heather. I've been picking on you a lot tonight, and I don't mean to, but I love, your physician on things. So the reason I keep centering this on you tonight is you're, you have a strong opinion on this.

Heather: Oh, uh, I don't have anything to add. I really like what Mike said. Uh, max said, so I, um, yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Okay, well then Max, we'll go back to you. Hey, I still, I still wanna go back. I, I still wanna go back to the FOMO of the game photo. I mean, you know,

Max: game night. Yeah. I mean, but

Host - Alonzo Banx: and I, I got the photo.

Max: a fair.

Heather: I won by so much.

Max: It wasn't really a fair game because she was playing two of the players' hands at the same time

Host - Alonzo Banx: I heard [00:41:00] that, by the way,

Heather: fault. John has like barely played. He needed a lot of help.

Max: Wow. See,

Heather: him

Max: that's the problem right there.

Heather: All right.

Host - Alonzo Banx: does anyone have, have any parting thoughts for the intersection of envy, jealousy, and the fact that, you know, I didn't get to play the game. I just got the photos. Any, anyone?

Max: cupcake in, and she gets really competitive in that game too.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Yeah, John, go ahead.

Cookie: that's right.

Jon: Uh, I think that I would wanna part with, uh, saying that just high emotions are almost always temporary and can be worked on, don't be so scared of them. Um, I think everything can be resolved and, and, uh, maybe knowing that in advance can let you settle down and, and trust that the, world isn't gonna end for you.

I think that is absolutely awesome advice.

We're officially announcing tonight that Marin, the is, is gonna be coming up, so we'll be [00:42:00] all getting together for another one of our parties. This one's gonna be a, a. Pretty interesting theme. All that information is up on the website.

I wanna thank everyone for being here tonight. It's been a one of our better conversations. Max Patty, Heather, John Cookie, Ana and Blake. I'm still Alonzo Banks and this has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. Have a good night everyone.

Cookie: Good

Jon: Thank you.

Lana: Good night.

Max: Good night.