Can You Come and Go? Belonging and Boundaries in Poly Communities

In this episode of PolySoCal, the panel explores a deceptively simple question: can people move in and out of poly relationships and communities, or does belonging create deeper responsibilities? The conversation looks at how connection, identity, and commitment intersect in non monogamous spaces. Panelists share personal experiences about stepping away from relationships, returning to community, and navigating the tension between personal freedom and emotional accountability. The discussion highlights how trust, communication, and respect shape whether relationships remain open doors or closed chapters.

Host Alonzo BanX, Psy, Patty, John, Kat

Transcript

PolySoCal - E038 - Can you come and go
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Host - Alonzo BanX: : ​[00:00:00] Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. It has already been one challenging evening. I am still Alonso Banks. We've got a good crew inhouse tonight. The question's gonna be talking about 

drifting in and out of poly. How do you do it and is it practical? 

Hi 

everybody. 

Patty: Hi. 

Jon: Hello. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : So let's go around and 

say hello to everyone. Let's start with Cy. Welcome back.

Psy: I'm, thank you. Good to be here. Um, 

have, 

Kat: I have,

Psy: around a bit in the poly and tantra worlds, uh, over the past, eight years or so, uh, while in relationships and I self define as monogamish poly sensual.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Welcome.

Psy: Thank [00:01:00] you.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : a new voice at the table tonight. Seems like you've been around for a while, but this is really your first time on the call. Kat, say hi.

Kat: Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Um, I have been monogamous for most of my life, and then I did, um, experience, um, the polyamory for probably about five years or so. I grew a great appreciation, um, for the community and learned a lot about myself. Um, and I am currently monogamous again.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Well, we're thrilled to have you on the show and we have, uh, Patty and John, but John, I'm gonna go to Patty 

first. Hi 

Patty. Welcome 

back. 

Patty: Hi. Thank you for having me back. Uh, just briefly 'cause a lot of you already know me. I've been in the polyamorous world for 32 years, married for almost. 30 years together with John for 32. Uh, we have, partners, Heather and Beep that we've been with for almost two years. And I also have, um, a partner, um, outside of our poly as well. [00:02:00] 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : And John. 

Jon: Hello, I'm John. You know most about me because Patty had just talked about it. Uh, um, I am married to Patty. I am dating Heather and my, I have multiple 

and, uh, mostly my main reason to be here is to clear up any lies that might tell about 

me. 

Patty: You definitely need to be here then. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Okay, so John, you brought up the question tonight. Which was drifting in and out. Why don't you rephrase the phrase the question for me, but then I got an add-on for you.

Jon: Um.

yes. So, uh, there was this suggestion that, uh, that someone can go from poly to mono or mono to poly to mono. And, and I kind of question the ability to do that, I guess. Uh, I, I, I challenge that a little bit. Um, and I, and I don't safely do that. So I, I look forward to jumping into this conversation to explore that.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : My challenge to you, before we even go down that question, [00:03:00] is to define poly,

because I know how I experience it, I know my relationship to that. when you talk about drifting in and out,

um, think it has to start with a base of, in modern definition, what is poly. And you had the question, so let's start that with you.

What, what is poly to you?

Jon: Okay. So, uh, at least for me, the core of what that word means, sort of physically, the polyamory is just multiple loves, right? So it's, to me it is, it is more than just actively loving more, more than one person. We have the concept of solo poly, um, but it's that ability to love more than one person, I think.

Um, and that, you know, internally that you are capable of doing that. So 

Kat: So 

that's.

Jon: I, that's where my challenge comes in. I think, uh, in, in wondering what that means when someone learns that about [00:04:00] themselves, that ability, but then that later or, or what does that mean?

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I am gonna get to everyone with that question, but John, I love your, your having a child definition of poly,

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : and so I'm gonna push you to, to, to give that little bit again, for those who haven't heard it before.

Jon: Okay. 

Yeah. So the 

Kat: Concept.

Jon: was about, uh, uh, the challenge of trying to understand how to love more than one person, right? And, and that is a simple equation when you talk about having children. So you have one child, you don't stop loving that one child. When you have a second child come into your life, you, it adds to the loving your family typically.

So

Kat: Understanding that concept within relationships

Jon: is

Kat: is a.

Jon: I think when you love to.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I actually love that definition of Pauline. I've, I've used your speech a number of times. Um, SI, I see you 

wanna say something, but I'm gonna [00:05:00] jump to the other part of the molecule. Patty, what is. 

Patty: I agree with John that Polly is, um, the

ability, ability to love more than one person. Um, to me it is a little bit of an identity or a, um, natural ability to have that capacity. Um, and for me it's a little bit of something that can flow in and out of life, 

if that makes sense. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : It does, it does. S had something you wanted add?

Kat: So looking at your basic,

Psy: um,

definition,

John and Patty, you know, the

Kat: the ability

Psy: more than one

Kat: person, I have the.

Psy: have the ability to love more than one person. I love. Of my former partners, my former husband, and yet when I am in a long-term committed relationship, although I [00:06:00] love other people, 

Kat: I'm not seeking to be in multiple relationships

Psy: at

Kat: at the same time with multiple loves.

Psy: And so

Kat: so would you consider someone that

Psy: loves

Kat: many but

Psy: is only with

Kat: with one partner? You

Psy: them poly then, based on your

Kat: definition?

Jon: For me,

Kat: Yes.

Jon: Uh. Because it's an emotional thing more than it is a configuration of your relationships thing. So if you feel inside, I mean, everybody loves their, their friends, right? But if you, if you can feel that to relationship love, you know, like have someone that you're in love with, uh, with

Kat: More than one person,

Jon: I feel like that qualifies you.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Patty.

Kat: even if I'm choosing this to be

Psy: monogamous, you

Kat: you know, with one

Psy: solo in the

Kat: partnership.

Psy: Mm-hmm.

Jon: Only because that is your configuration decision, right? Like you've decided that I can only [00:07:00] handle one person, right? Like, it, it can definitely be overwhelming. Maybe that one person is just like, okay, this is like having four relationships 'cause they're psycho. So like, I, I just want that one and I'm good.

I'm solid. But, uh. If you've had that feeling before in the past, right? You have that feeling of like, oh my gosh, I just love this person. I love this person for different, separate, completely unique reasons. Uh, that's that essence of polyamory that I think is there. And, and if you know that, uh, I almost feel like you can't get rid of it like a herpes.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Patty, you had something you wanna add, Kat, I'm not letting you off the hook yet, but, uh, Patty, you had 

something you wanted to jump 

in with? 

Patty: I, for me, I believe that, um, even if you are only in one relationship, you can still be poly because I do think it is a little bit more about the depth of your relationships. uh, some people consider themselves, poly and they don't actually have 

Kat: have 

Patty: intercourse with their person. It is more [00:08:00] about. the emotional capacity to love another person.

In That depth more than just a, buddy. Um, and I believe it's, it's a wide range of things. If you're exploring tan, you're, you're open to being more, um, intimate with a person than if you were just a monogamous, vanilla, straight lace person. So I think it's a very flowing definition, not necessarily, um, correlated with.

Penetrative sex to me. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Kat, what is polyamory to you?

Kat: Um, so this dialogue was very thought provoking. Um, honestly, to me, I, I definitely agree. Um. Polyamory,

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Uh.

Kat: is, um, being able to, to connect and, you know, to love multiple people. Like, kinda like what Patty said, rather that [00:09:00] is, um, you know, physical or purely emotional or maybe a little bit of both. Um, when I was practicing polyamory, I identify as a bit demisexual so that the physical component was a little bit harder for me.

But I definitely, um, feel like that I. Had romantic interests, you know, in, in more than one person. Um, and it felt really good and really fulfilling. Um, so yeah, I believe that polyamory is, is, uh, a great way to, uh. Really just explore the different connections that you can have with no expectations and really let those relationships, um, blossom naturally into, you know, maybe platonic or, or a little bit more.

So that's kind of what I took polyamory as when I was, uh, actively, you know, um, engaging in the lifestyle, if you will. Um, yeah, again, just the, just the comfortability to, to get to know somebody and see where that, uh, relationship could, could go.[00:10:00] 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : So, let me put this to you. I am ambigu. I, I, I have many opinions on the topic, but it comes from the fact that I, in a relationship only have the bandwidth to be in a deeply related, you know, connected relationship with one human.

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I don't have the bandwidth to do more than that,

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : but I have relationships.

With other people. I have play partners and I care about my play partners, but I'm not gonna move in with them. I'm not gonna set up house with them. I'm not gonna get in deep relationships. I come from a different generation, you know the definition of swinger and Polly. from a generation before you trust me.

Where does that fit into your definition? Am I swinger? Am I Polly? Because I choose to be monogamish. I choose to have one dedicated [00:11:00] heart connection, but I also love the people you know of external, but not to that level. Am I Polly?

Jon: ha

Kat: Have 

you,

Jon: so with

Kat: these, these connections that you have, do you tell them I

Jon: you and mean it in a I

Kat: love.

Jon: way?

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Yeah.

Jon: Yeah. feels poly to me. But multiple

Host - Alonzo BanX: : But I'm, but I'm not setting up house with them. We're not, you know, we're, we're, you know, we're

Jon: Don't have to. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Patty, go 

ahead. 

Patty: I think that, uh, an old way of thinking is that a relationship has to.

be linear. We do this, then we do this, and then we move in together, then we get married together. Uh, then we Have kids, and, and setting up house, as you say, and I don't feel that all relationships. need to. Be, uh, that linear, uh, you can have a relationship and it just be that you just enjoy the person, you enjoy the time [00:12:00] Together you develop the feelings together, um, and you share in this relationship, but it doesn't necessarily have to. progress into house playing house.

It can, uh, but It doesn't necessarily have to, to be meaningful and be considered a poly relationship for me.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : So let me 

throw out another question that extends that just a little bit. If I, uh, do not have least one real primary relationship, we get a lot of people in our community who are casually dating a bunch of people and they call themselves poly. Is that Polly or is that just dating more than one person?

you don't have 

at least one deeply connected primary relationship, is it truly being 

Polly or 

just dating? 

Patty: think it could be either, it could just be casually dating people. Um, but I feel that [00:13:00] 

poly, the polyamory concept is a. 

Kat: is 

Patty: Something that comes from within. It's a capability, a capacity to be able to love more than one person. And I feel like sometimes someone may be polyamorous and have the capacity for that, and then maybe that will switch to monogamy or monogamish for a period of time, and then be able to have the capacity when the right person comes along, um, to swing back into. polyamory but I think that the concept is that the, the Capacity needs to be there.

Kat: to be there. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Well, and John started this by asking the question, can you swing in and out? But before we move on that, John, is it dating multiple people or at, at what level was it Polly?

Jon: Uh, it, once you hit love, right? When [00:14:00] you hit love and you, and you mean

Kat: It

Jon: you know, you

Kat: you.

Jon: saying it because you wanna get inside the pants. You say it because you feel it in your chest, right? Like, but you're feeling it with two people or more. Uh, if you have that capacity, you're there. You know, like it, I don't, I don't think the. The depth of situation has that much to do with it, that people can be married and having a long

Kat: Relationship,

Jon: it still exists as a marriage. Um, that's still a

Kat: relationship.

Jon: that situation. I see a.

Psy: Yeah, so I'm just, again, I wanna interact with your definition.

Kat: So I.

Psy: in a, if I

Kat: I have a primary

Psy: relationship, but we're kind.

Kat: but we're kind of still having play in

that we don't love necessarily, but you know, we

Psy: enjoy

Kat: playing sexually, but

Jon: Yeah.

Psy: we

Kat: we like them.

Psy: are, we poly then if there isn't truly that heart opening in love there.

Jon: Uh, yeah, I think that's where the

Kat: Yeah.

Jon: is drawn, right? The, it, it is whatever, [00:15:00] whatever your definition of love is, right? Uh, perhaps, uh, and I'm, and I, there has to be a distinction between the love that you would have for a friend versus the love that you would have for somebody that you're in a relationship with to me. 

Um, 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : gonna jump in real quick. That's actually next week's conversation is how do you navigate that? So good. Thank thanks for the segue, but please continue next week. That's exactly what we're. Talking about.

Jon: Okay, cool. Uh, yes, uh, the, for my definition, it really is that relationship love. So if you, uh, if it's just play partners and you're having fun and you enjoy it, and you just kinda love it because it's because you love the excitement and stuff, uh, I wouldn't call that poly, I would call that swinging typically and stuff, whatever.

But, uh, but yeah, anytime where it's like, oh my God, I like, I can't live without this person right now. Then I think you're there.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : John, I don't mean to put you on the spot entirely tonight, but you, you're the one with the opinion, so you know, you get everything Ka.[00:16:00] 

Kat: Uh, I feel like that, so ethical non-monogamy is kind of like an umbrella, right? So that's kind of where my mind goes. Where John, um, you know, Polly, I guess a textbook definition would be having, you know, the capacity to love multiple people, but then, um, si you know, I feel maybe you fall under more of that, like how you said Monogamish, but then you dabble in the ethical non-monogamy as well because your, um, you know, your partner is aware.

Of the physical interactions and relationships that you have other people, uh, with other people, whether you know you love them or not, you are still enjoying them and caring about them. So I definitely see where, you know, I think that's for me, I feel like that's where that line is, where you might fall under the ethical non-monogamy component, but maybe not quite that polyamory.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Go ahead, John.

Jon: Yeah. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : you so wanted to say something. Don't hold.

Jon: No, I, something popped into my head. Right. So [00:17:00] were saying that ENM is, uh, is an umbrella, right? For, for poly, maybe swinger and all that stuff or whatever. Right. And I agree with that, but then I was really thinking that it, that poly and ENM might actually be more Venn diagram ish. I, I would say that someone who is polyamorous but not ethical about it. Probably a cheater, right? Somebody who maybe serially has a problem with, like getting emotionally involved with other people and stuff, whatever. Um, so yeah, I, I, I, understand like under the concepts of what you should be doing within all of these different lifestyle cho choices or, or things that you identify as would fit under ENM, as a definition.

But, uh. I think that there are, I think

Kat: I think exists outside of that.

Jon: and, and it would be great if we can kind of tuck everybody in underneath the umbrella so they don't get wet.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Well, one of the things that we deal with too is that definitions change over time. Um, you know, have been having [00:18:00] been, um, a swinger alternative lifestyles poly 

o over the last 40 years. The definition of what I am has changed within each generation. 

Patty, 

go ahead. 

Patty: I really found what Kat was saying to be really, um, insightful and accurate with how things are defined now. I remember when John and I first got into the lifestyle, there was a very distinct difference and that you were either a swinger. Or you were poly. And now I am finding that, um, a little bit of uh, ethical non-monogamy is, um, interchangeable with poly, but I am a little bit old school where it is still polyamorous means I am actively love a partner.

And ethical non-monogamy Means to me that my partner knows that I have other people that, I'm playing with. [00:19:00] Um, so I just, I do think that definitions change. and. even in the polyamory definition, when John and I first started, there wasn't all of these different terms, you know, parallel, poly kitchen, table, poly, and you know, when, uh, John and I, um. Started getting reconnected uh, to the community. We were so.

confused about all the labels and all the different things and we're just like, I don't know. I just thought you were poly. If you were a poly, you were a poly. And, and we, we used a term poly. We used to say poly del is. Um, and I don't know that that's accurate, but we had a, a, a.

A quad that we dated for five years and we didn't see other people. It was closed off. It was only the four of us for five years. Um, but I, I am finding there's such a wide range of poly now that used to not be there. And, and John and I differ on whether or not you can come in and out of polyamory, um, [00:20:00] with him thinking you can, and I am disagreeing or John thinking you cannot, and I disagree that you can. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I'm gonna go down that rabbit hole here in just a second. Anyone else have anything to add into this part before I move back to John's original question? S You got a 

smile? You got, you got something you wanted to add? Okay. So John,

Psy: at John's smile. 

Jon: She can't. She 

Patty: We about to fight? No, just kidding. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : let's go. Okay, now, now John, I, want you to give a better definition of your question because are you saying. You can't start, you know, start and stop being active, or are you saying in your soul you are always poly? So when you say you can't come in and out,

Jon: Mm-hmm. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : mean, that's why I'm saying I can never stop dating, but I don't have a girlfriend right now.

You, you, you can't, you know, are you saying you're not like it or [00:21:00] you can, can't start and stop doing it?

Jon: Uh, so 

I am,

Kat: I'm,

Jon: I am

Kat: I'm not saying 

Jon: that

Kat: you can't.

Jon: doing it. Uh, I'm, I'm saying that you can't necessarily, uh, identify as a poly person, uh, once you've already dipped your toes into it. Um, once you feel. It's hard to unfeel it, you know, it's almost like being enlightened in a way, I think in some ways where you're like, oh God.

Like I, I could really open myself up to loving a lot more

Kat: Okay.

Jon: at least one more person. And then you can, you can then be in a

Kat: Mono.

Jon: Uh, relationship. You can be in a relationship that's monogamous. You can be in a situation that's very monogamous. You can choose to behave in a monogamous way, but I, uh, I, [00:22:00] I challenge the idea that you would not be able to identify as it anymore unless

Kat: something

Jon: traumatic

Kat: happens.

Jon: where you're like, okay, God, no.

That, that was a huge mistake and I'm out.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Well, Kat, I, I see you got something, but I gotta, I gotta challenge this so. John, you're saying that if someone starts in monogamy

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : and they find it's just not for them there

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : that line of demarcation. Where is the point where you say, once you're in it, you're gonna feel it in your soul forever.

What about the people that get in it and find, this just ain't for me.

Jon: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's maybe, maybe in that moment though, the people that. Give it a try and, and see if it fits for them and finds out, find out that, uh, it doesn't work for them. Uh, I

Kat: I think that

Jon: a

Kat: someone who is

Jon: that

Kat: finding out they're.

Jon: monogamous. They, they tested those [00:23:00] boundaries and, and have realized that through, through trial and error. Um, and I would call them that. I wouldn't call them, I wouldn't say that they were. Uh, in the end if, uh, if they just never felt like they understood it.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Kat.

Kat: So a couple points. Um, got my, got my brain flowing here. Uh. You know, I always felt, when I was in high school, I had multiple crushes on people. Right. But I was raised very, um, conservative, nuclear family, monogamous, so I actually was not even exposed to what polyamory. Was, um, and then I, you know, got into a relationship in 2020 and I was introduced to, um, friends who were, who were polyamorous, and I was like, oh my gosh, there's a word for this thing, right?

'cause I always felt like there was maybe. You know, something wrong with me [00:24:00] because I had feelings for three different people at one time, right? Like, that's inappropriate. That's not okay. And then when I got introduced to, um, you know, the poly lifestyle through my friends, um, things like the puzzle pieces starting to get put together, and I felt that's where I was a little bit conflicted because my, the way I was raised versus the way that I personally feel started to bump heads with each other. And, um, you know, my partner at the time. He asked me, you know, well, I'm polyamorous. Is that gonna be okay with you? And I'm like, I'll try, you know, because I truly wanted to, I wanted to explore that part. But then I had that deep rooted, um, like I said, ingraining in me, um, to, to where that monogamy was the way.

And then as I started to explore polyamory, I also started to uncover a lot of my own traumas, if you will. Um, that came with feeling. Polyamory, if that makes sense. And, and, and knowing that I have the capacity to have feelings for multiple people, but then [00:25:00] practicing it, practicing polyamory really brought out a lot of those, um, things that were deep inside of me that I had to reflect on, that I had to learn about myself and, and really face those really uncomfortable, um, feelings of insecurities and, um, you know, jealousies and stuff like that. And. I think that's kind of what I mean when I say, you know, I was monogamous and then I was polyamorous and then I'm monogamous again. I feel in my heart I have the capacity to to, to have love for multiple people, but when I was practicing polyamory, the dynamic and the situation was not maybe the healthiest, and so I decided to go back to.

Practicing monogamy. So the dialogue really helps open my mind and my understanding of, you know, who I am to my core, not just the relationships that I may be at the moment.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : John, how does that play into your question?[00:26:00] 

Jon: Doesn't play into it. so what I, what I am hearing is that you now know that you have that capacity, um, and that you're, that in practice that it was a challenge. And, and I think anybody who is poly will tell you that poly is a great way to learn about yourself. You can, you. Dig so deep into your soul and find out who

Kat: You're and

Jon: weaknesses are, where your,

Kat: where your traumas are,

Jon: and the

Kat: the challenges being a human.

Jon: Uh, you find that out, uh, when you, when you attempt to pull this off. Um, but it is an amazing journey. Um, and I think one that. Uh, uh, I don't know for sure. I don't, and I'm definitely don't know your life path and stuff or whatever, you know, I don't know what the future holds for you, but, but if you, if you know inside that you have that emotional capacity for it and in practice might not have. Met success with it. you may still one day find that. Um, I know with Patty and I, we were in a five-year [00:27:00] relationship with a couple that, uh, we had a very specific style of being poly with them and, things eroded over time with us. But now we're in another relationship where we've been together for about two years and, and at least in my experience, I feel like this poly relationship that I'm in right now is. Far healthier than the five year one that we were in, and that we're bringing a

Kat: A certain

Jon: level

Kat: emotion intelligence

Jon: now that we didn't have in the past and we didn't

Kat: expect.

Jon: to be. We didn't expect it to happen again, honestly. So it was a surprise and, and it's, it was such a welcome kind of surprise for us, I think.

Um, and we're just embracing it right now. So if, if a situation in the future arises, I feel like you're gonna be able to say, oh my God, I think this is that kind of poly that I think I could manage in my life, possibly. Maybe, but you know, unless your current partner's like, please never, ever, then, and that will last [00:28:00] forever, then you may never have that experience to do that.

But, um, I dunno, for me it feels like, uh, monogamy is then a choice in terms of what you're deciding to express externally. uh, internally, 

I feel like that poly is still stuck inside of you.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Kat, I want you to reply, but Patty, you look like you

had to 

jump in and 

say something. 

Patty: I do think that there is something, there is a crossover in monogamy and polyamory, and that is to, to Choose your partners wisely. And that is, uh, in monogamy for sure, but definitely in poly. and that is something.

that John and I have. learned through trial and error and uh, is something that I'm Still like learning because when you are monogamous, you can have certain, a certain level of uh, unhealthiness and. then in polyamory, I think that is.

Uh, sped up Very quickly [00:29:00] you know, very quickly, um, when things are, are not healthy, and it is certainly more complex having multiple relationships, multiple feelings, um, managing your feelings, managing all your partner's feelings. Uh, certainly more. complicated. And I do think that, uh, certain times in our lives we have more capacity for that.

In other points in our life, we have much Less capacity for that based on where we are.

Kat: based on where we're, 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : What do you think of that cat?

Kat: yeah. Uh, going back to what John said, um, you know, like I said. I, I definitely feel I have the capacity to, to, um, have deep, you know, meaningful emotions for more than one person. Um, and so that kind of brings back to, you know, what do I explain, you know, externally, um, what type of relationships do [00:30:00] I decide to engage in?

Um, and then to kind of piggyback off of what Patty said, um, you know, there was a lot of love between my partner and I at the time, but I recognized that our. Poly dynamic was unfortunately very unhealthy. Um. On, on both parts. You know, I, I had my insecurities that I had to, to look into and heal. Um, he also had his own insecurities that he had to deal with. And so I, you know, being new to the poly um, lifestyle, I. Branched out. I reached out to a lot of my friends, um, who I knew were practicing polyamory, and I got ideas of, you know, what, what is healthy versus what is not healthy. Um, and you know, that that relationship with my partner, that poly dynamic eventually ended. And, uh, so again, Patty, I think that you bring a great point to where it really depends on who you have that relationship with. Um, you know, in my potential future, I'm, I'm definitely not closed off to, to experiencing another [00:31:00] polyamorous relationship, you know, if that were to come about in the future. But now, now that I've learned and now that I have greater understanding and insight from seasoned, healthy. people. Um, I, I think that, you know, that that path in life would be a little bit, a little bit different now, um, because yeah, it, I feel it definitely plays a huge role on, on who you're with. And, and looking back now, that polyamorous relationship with my partner wasn't healthy. but perhaps a monogamous relationship with that person would lead, would be a little bit healthier.

And, um, and I appreciate that, you know, my, my path of, of being polyamorous for five years really helped me understand that, that that's okay. Um, you know, practicing polyamory, it can be difficult, um, despite what I feel, you know, inside. Um, and. that that's, that's, that's totally fine. But having a partner, whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, definitely plays, plays a huge role in how [00:32:00] successful those dynamics could be.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Cy, can you drift in and out?

Psy: I am. I'm

Kat: I.

Psy: Oh, 

can you 

Patty: Yes, yes. 

Psy: Ah, an in and outta the conversation, you know, um, it's a good question and, and I'm not, I have never been fully in, I don't think so. It would be hard for me to comment

Kat: That.

Psy: Um, at least, I don't know, have I been fully in, would be the question then. depends upon the definition. we're looking at. Have I been fully,

Kat: Um,

Psy: um, in my definitions, I

Kat: I,

Psy: seen it as being fully polyamory. 'cause I

Kat: I see it

Psy: as

Kat: as lifestyle,

Psy: I

Kat: I see it as practice, not just

Psy: the capacity

Jon: Hmm. 

Kat: you said, and,

um, 

Psy: I 

Kat: I think if someone

Psy: is [00:33:00] polyamory, they

Kat: don't

Psy: being polyamorous because they're in a

Kat: mono,

Psy: practice. Um,

Kat: and,

Psy: but 

Kat: but I have.

Psy: polyamorous couples. Practice monogamy at points in their life. And so it, it does come down to the question, are you looking, and I like the de the discernment between polyamory and monogamy as a practice and as a capacity.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Go ahead, 

Patty: I. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Make sure I wanna 

take 

it. I wanna take this to one

more extension, 

so

Patty: I agree with SI think she articulated that well on how I was viewing things. Um, and for John and I we are polyamorous, but there have been points in our life where we have practiced monogamy. And so that is why I was feeling like you could drift in and out. I, I like the [00:34:00] way that is portrayed as practicing and also capacity. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Let's take this to the next extension. If you can drift in and out, maybe your, your heart stays. I am always polyamorous in my heart, but at this point in my life, we're gonna be in a monogamous relationship, or I'm not healthy enough right now. I need to be monogamous for a while. How do you say that to your partner, and is it fair to put that.

When you want the opposite of what they want, and it could be wanna be monogamous and you wanna be poly or you wanna be, and they, they wanna be po. Uh, you've been in a relationship. How do you handle that transition 

and is it a fair expectation to put onto your partner? 

Go ahead, 

Patty: I am [00:35:00] grateful that John and I have been on the same page with that when we have, um, practiced. At times being monogamous because we were not as connected as we liked, or, um, I may not have been as healthy as I wanted to be, or we just simply didn't find the right partners. Um, we haven't had the. Of one of us wanting it and the other not, it just hasn't the timing lined up, and I'm grateful for that.

I don't know that there is a, a solution for that other than a lot of communication and a lot of, um, deciding what's best for the relationship. Um, and I don't know that there's such a thing as compromising in that. 

I'd love to hear what John has to say on that.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I, you know, I I, I hate, you know, I don't like always stirring the part 

too 

Patty: It. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : John, is that true? 

Were you in sync at the [00:36:00] same time?

Jon: This is one of the lies that I need to clear up with. Uh, I, I, I disagree that we've always been on the, on the same page. Uh, but I think what we 

have had is 

is a 

tremendous 

Patty: Yeah. 

Jon: for 

each 

other and, and, space to 

move within, each other's needs in the, in the moments that we're in. So, uh, I think that that's part of the longevity of our relationship, is that respect for each other and, and how we behave with each other. Uh, but. But it has everything to do with being able to move, you know, juke and, and, and weave around life's challenges together, um, as a team. So, we might not have been emotionally necessarily or, uh, on the same page at all 

times, but, uh, I, think that we have had a lot of grace for each other's needs throughout the whole experience. 

Patty: I, I agree with, uh. Most of that. but, I [00:37:00] do think there have been points in our marriage where we have recognized that we are not in a place that would allow another relationship coming in to enhance our relationship. It would separate us a little bit, and we both recognize that. And so we chose not to pursue that until we were solidly.

Connected. Not that we've never had a bad marriage, we've always loved each other. We're we're best friends, we, but marriage is kind of you know, sometimes you're closer at certain points, sometimes you're a little more separated and, and then together again. And there were definitely points in our relationship where we recognize that that isn't the best option for us at that moment.

The want is there. The want to have. Polyamorous relationships, but the um, the choice to not do so benefited our marriage at that time. [00:38:00] That's what I think I tell myself that.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Go ahead, Kat.

Kat: I feel like Patty, that kind of comes back into the 

full circle 

of 

Patty: Mm-hmm. 

Kat: or partner or partners are 

and that communication, um, and again, having a healthy dynamic, um, and 

understanding, 

Patty: Okay. 

Kat: your poly relationship entails, if that 

makes sense. So a little example there is, um. In my dynamic, there was not a lot of clear boundaries, understanding, communication, um, having those hard conversations on, you know, Hey, uh, I am talking to this person, or I wanted to, you know, engage in a polyamorous relationship with, with this person.

But then the, your other, your partner may be saying, well, I am feeling X, Y, Z, and then coming together. And, and really having that understanding and respect for one another. [00:39:00] Um, so I really like hearing, you know, you guys talk about your own perspectives and, and again, really just having that, that mutual respect for one another and having that, that raw communication, even though it might be a little bit uncomfortable, you still have that, those conversations with each other.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : That's awesome. I'm gonna start wrapping 

us up. Cy, any last thoughts for tonight? You good Pattying? 

Patty: No, I think. 

I think I'm good. I have, I do have to add that for John and I both, I, I can't speak for John, but I believe that both of us agree that the, um, more fulfilling, happier times we are polyamorous and we naturally do that. So, um. That's not to say that, um, we can't be monogamous and happy, but when You add all the excitement and the newness and [00:40:00] the, uh, the journey together, it's like we're on this exciting journey together.

And those are, it's like traveling, but with people, you know, something that we do together. I mean that in a, a, a wholesome way, but, um. I, I think it adds an, an element of, uh, a journey and breaks some monotony in our relationship for John.

and I.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : John. 

Jon: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : Did this answer your question? Did you come to any understanding to your question?

Jon: Yes. That I'm right first. Um, I'm kidding. Uh, I, I think it was really important. I, I think it was kind of, uh, nice to be able to make that distinction, you know, between the practice of, and the capacity for and stuff, whatever. I think that that, I, I don't think that helps answer the question so much, but I think it, uh, expands the, expands the [00:41:00] exploration of what it means and stuff, whatever.

And I think that that part is important. Um, and I just wanted to add to what Patty was saying about, you know, the, the experience has been, has been positive for us and it's because there is so much, uh, that we personally have gained from, from that experience of being poly, uh, even in the last couple days. Um, Patty feeling like. like. uh, she's, she's having a hard time communicating something with me that she knows she can communicate with somebody else within our molecule that, that she was like, all right, you know what, you, I'm off, I'm done. I need to talk to somebody else who can understand me. 

And, and she had that available and I, and I felt like, is awesome. Now I don't have to deal with it.

Patty: I need my girlfriend. That's what I, I, need my, I need my fiance, is what I said. You won't understand. I need my fiance and I immediately called her. 

Jon: Yeah. And, and, and I think maybe [00:42:00] typically that would be a terrible, uh, sentiment to have. But 

it, 

but it 

was 

Patty: Yes. 

Jon: nice to know 

that 

she had people who might be even 

more appropriate than me to handle something, some challenge in her life. And, and that's amazing to me.

Host - Alonzo BanX: : And so, and I think, you know, the universal answer that we come to pretty much every week that there isn't an answer. If we had 12 people in this conversation, there'd be 13 different answers. You know, polyamory is such a unique thing to every person. Who practices it. And 

I don't think we've ever come to a single decision on a single answer, um, other than the one that 

the key to 

everything we 

do is 

Patty: I agreed. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : I think that's the only thing that we all ever 

agree on. Um, 

Kat, 

Patty: Yes. 

Host - Alonzo BanX: : You, 

on 

tonight. You, you were a very good, 

uh, member of our table. Um, hope you will come back with us often. Cy, Patty, John, thank you. Um, another great week. Uh, by the way, everyone, we're starting to put up [00:43:00] the, uh, the next event on our website, so everyone who's in the area who wants to come out and be part of our next event, check it out.

sure you go to the website. 

am still Alonzo Banks and this has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. 

Goodnight, 

Patty: Good night. 

Kat: Good night.