The Hard Parts of Poly and Why We Stay

In this roundtable episode of PolySoCal, the group takes an honest look at the harder side of polyamory. While the community often celebrates the freedom and connection that poly relationships can bring, the panel digs into the realities that come with it. Jealousy, insecurity, heartbreak, communication struggles, and the emotional work required to maintain multiple relationships are all part of the conversation. Through personal stories and candid discussion, the group explores why people continue choosing poly even when it becomes difficult, and how security, trust, and communication help partners navigate the challenges. 

 Alonzo Banx, Cupcake, Noah, Dalia, Heather, Lana, Blake, Max 

Transcript

PolySoCal - RoundTable - E039
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​[00:00:00] 
Host - Alonzo Banx: Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am still Alonzo Banks, and tonight we've got a, wow, we got a full deck tonight. We got all kinds of people here, and we've got a couple of new VO or at least one new voice in tonight. Hi everybody.

Lana: Hello.

Heather: Hi.

Host - Alonzo Banx: So

Cupcake: Hi.

Host - Alonzo Banx: hi. So. Tonight. I, I was thinking about the question of what are some of the negatives? I mean, we gotta be honest. We're always talking about all the super positive things that we all feel. But, you know, there are some issues and not everyone end up staying in Poly because of the issues, wanna kind of explore that tonight.

But [00:01:00] before we do that, let's go around and say hi to everyone. Cupcake.

Cupcake: Oh God. Why do you do this to me? Uh, hi, I'm Cupcake. Um, I am a regular, uh, if you haven't already figured that out. Um, I am partnered with my husband. Um, we've been married almost four years, as of two weeks from now. Um, and then I'm also partnered with Noah and Cookie, who are also on the podcast. And for the first time, uh, my potential partner slash Metamore Dalia is here.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Welcome and we'll get to you in a minute. I wanna jump over to Noah, though, and, and kind of run through this poly Good evening.

Noah : Hey, good evening. Yeah, I am Noah, and as Cupcake just said, I'm partner with her and also my nesting partner, cookie, and, uh, I don't know what that makes, Dalia, I, I'm not sure how this, like, is she, she may like my memoir [00:02:00] cousin, cousin

Cupcake: meta.

Max: Metamore.

Noah : by my marriage. I.

Max: Once once removed, once removed.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, welcome Noah and, and Dalia. I can tell you what it makes you welcome here. hello, introduce yourself.

Dahlia : I am Dalia and I am Metamours of Cupcake, soon to be partners Meta Metamours of Noah, and I am the girlfriend of Cupcakes. Husbands.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Very cool. The, the, the poly

Max: a girlfriend.

Dahlia : And I've been actively poly for about 14 years.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Nice. Well, you'll fit right in. Heather. got to have dinner the other night. I got to meet you in person for the first time.

Max: She's real.

Heather: much fun those last two nights. It was a good time. Um, and you got, well, it was a, and you got to be with the whole cu all together in one room.[00:03:00] 

Host - Alonzo Banx: We did.

Heather: Um, I'm Heather. I'm married to beep, uh, dating John and, and Gage to Patty Cakes

Host - Alonzo Banx: And you're, you're alone in your tool tonight. We couldn't get any of the others on.

Heather: unsupervised.

Max: She is the best when she's unsupervised.

Cupcake: I love it.

Host - Alonzo Banx: And Lana, you are looking amazing tonight. Welcome.

Lana: Hello everybody. My name is Lana and I'm partner with We are in relationship for. Three and a half years, little bit more, we are having fun exploring, expanding, living life.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Welcome Blake.

Blake: Well, I'm, I'm Blake. I'm partnered with Lana and I'm excited about tonight's topic because I think over the last three and a half years. We've kind of worked through a lot of things so that we are having more fun than ever and it's 'cause of things that we've dealt with. [00:04:00] So there's a lot to say on the topic.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Good. to have you both and we gotta see you at dinner the other night too.

Lana: Yay.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Mr. Max.

Max: Yes. Oh, my intro.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Your intro Max, say hello.

Max: Max. I'm, uh, I'm single poly open, and I guess just playing the field these days.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Wow. Good to have you. Okay, so, the core question tonight is. real, you know, the realities of being poly. You know, we all talk about how amazing it is and great and can. Yeah. We all know that there's parts of it that are tough and we all know people that tried to get in the community and it just didn't work for them. so I wanted to explore the night was how do you get through the hard parts? What were the hard parts and is it worth it? Who's got something for me? Blake, you said you had a lot you wanted to ask.

Blake: Yeah, sure, [00:05:00] sure. I'll jump in. Um, yeah, so, um, we talk about it in turning triggers into Turnons and, uh, over the last, uh, couple years. I think that when we started out. It was harder than it is now because I had so many triggers. So I was, I was just getting flipped. Every time we go to something social, all she could do is she does a tantric hug with somebody, and I'm like, whoa.

I suddenly, what on my chopped liver? You know? So it was, um, it, there was a feeling of being left out and so much heteronormative, uh, or not hetero, but um, mono normative thinking. Um, and so it was coming through that and realizing that. As we talked about these at moments, if there was something about it that I, I could make into a, a turn on. And so for example, um, we saw, you know, I saw one time, uh, there was a hug and uh, as we talked about it, we were able, I was able to see how this was something [00:06:00] that really brought a lot of energy. To Lana, and it was something that helped her to become more fully who she is. And when I really understood that, I could just lock into who she is and get so much excitement out of that, um, that I, I love it.

And, and now we, we've gone to where we're like purposely pushing the envelope and saying, okay, what's something a little more edgy that we can try, you know, what's something else? And, and we've got some, some new things that we're doing. And, uh, kind of like the, the. When Dr. Jody was talking of ization of jealousy, for me it's more like the ization of fomo.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Nice sounds, sounds like, um, you've explained compersion pretty well and, um, pushing edges. Lana, how did that feel for you?

Lana: So I wanna add what Blake said. when we met from my first date, we said we are Monogamish. So it was just like, we wanna try pull world [00:07:00] and um, explore. And I'm, me, I'm just flirting and exploring and I see he's struggling. And what, um. How it affect me, I just shut down. I just was, um, thinking twice, can I say this?

Can I hug this person? And it was so much energy I did not enjoy. And I was questioning myself. We're talking about poly and, um, how, how it's available. Practically it's not. And um, in the beginning, very beginning our relationship, we visited my friend, all time friend, it was just like explosion. And I said, I don't want do this.

Blake: But

Lana: I'm so,

Blake: We, we had

Lana: yeah.

Blake: up. More of a long-term relationship with that friend,

Lana: Absolutely.

Blake: yeah.

Lana: I'm so glad we did not, uh, of like turn our trajectory and we are exploring [00:08:00] more, but it's not that easy. In the beginning it was not easy and it's still, I'm, um, curious. Is it sometimes easy just in the beginning or it's like roller coaster and, uh, we learn how to relate to each other and communicate and, uh, expand So little by little now, I think we are dancing. dance.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Cupcake. I see you have something you wanna say, but I wanna, I wanna go down that path a little bit.

Lana: Mm-hmm.

Host - Alonzo Banx: did you push through it? I mean, the question tonight is with the negatives. What was the attraction that made you through the negatives to the positives?

Lana: So I think it's my personality. I'm always, uh, twisting negative to positive and. Can find this something [00:09:00] very beautiful in any situation. And I see this beautiful man, he is wonderful and he's struggling. It's his inner coming out and I gave him a chance. And uh, um, here we are.

Blake: God I, I could add a little bit to that is that, um, I think for me it's something that's so big. Speak to who I am that I really felt like I need to deal with this. I want to deal with it. And in the, in the end, we're gonna be able to have more freedom and more openness, and we're gonna just have a much more exciting life. I think it's the, it was the idea that it be a lot more exciting if I could just get my, my guts to correspond with what I thought was possible in my head.

Host - Alonzo Banx: It takes a lot of growth, sometimes cupcake. You wanted to add something? I.

Cupcake: Um, I just wanted to like kind of touch base on what kind of like [00:10:00] Lata was saying about like, is this right? Is this gonna work? Is this like, can we do this? Uh, something that kind of really helped me get through and I, you know, I'm will admit that there has been difficulties in our, you know, beginning of the journey and stuff like that.

But one of the things that I kind of really took from my research is. If you can kind of make it through like dedicating doing poly for the first full year, then you can probably succeed in it. If it, if you are finding that you're just not, like, you should dedicate a year to it, not just try it once and then, oh, this isn't gonna work.

This isn't working. Like dedicating a full year to it. And if you can make it through that, then you can probably. Be successful. Obviously there's always gonna be hiccups and things like that, but you'll see most of those tears or most of those, you know, [00:11:00] jealousy issues within that kind of first amount of time.

So I was just kind of wanting to put that in perspective. For people that are considering it, it's, it's gonna take, sometimes it's gonna take that full year to really know if this is for you or not.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Absolutely. Um, Noah, I see you, but Max, I'm gonna put you on the spot for a minute. As a person who was um, came into the saying, I'm, I'm monogamous. I'm not poly. I'm not poly. now seeing yourself questioning that, what do you see as the attraction into it? To the attraction that gets it past the negatives?

Max: all right, so first I don't agree with your categorization. Uh,

Host - Alonzo Banx: So please, please correct me.

Max: I will. Um, I mean, so I've observed, you know, communities where there are a lot of people who are poly or, you know, and, and some who aren't, and some who try it and some who don't. I stick with saying I'm poly open, meaning I haven't [00:12:00] been in a, in what I would consider a real poly relationship.

I haven't been in a committed relationship with someone and also someone else. I've been, I've been on the edges, right? I've been connected to someone who is in what I consider, you know. you know, I've only been that like I've, I've just had one connection point, be it a straight line, a dotted line.

However, one would want to draw the diagram. Um, but I've also definitely seen it crash and burn. I've seen people hate poly because they feel it's just cheating. They're like, it's an excuse to cheat. You want it to cheat on an agreed, monogamous relationship, and you came up with this as an excuse and it's hard to. Talk about it necessarily in, in, in, in those groups. Um, because to me I'm like, well, they're not, they're not totally wrong. I mean, when, especially when you look at it from the outside and it's hard to know the context of everything and people who, who just get crushed emotionally. And they tried it for than a year. They [00:13:00] tried it for a while and it took them a while to come to the point of like. I can't handle poly anymore. You know, it's too, it's too emotionally draining. There's too many connections I have to, I have to maintain or be okay with, or not okay with.

Host - Alonzo Banx: That what?

Max: brought the house down.

Noah : Yeah. No, no. I, I, I think you were hitting on something important, didn't it? And I think it kind of comes down to the dichotomy of why you are choosing to be poly. Are you choosing to be poly because you have so much love and desire for humans wanna experience your love and with other humans, with as many humans as reasonably possible, right? Or are you doing it because you're unhappy in your current relationship and you're trying to have another relationship to make up for the gaps that you're having now? And I think that motivation is a huge tell on whether you're gonna be successful or not.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Go. Yeah.[00:14:00] 

Max: Deep.

Dahlia : jumping on that, um, cupcake and I were talking about this a little bit before we all started, and one of the biggest, I wouldn't say problems, but like the hard part for Polly for me, whenever somebody says, like, what would you say is the hardest piece for Polly beyond like, openly communicating when you're hurt is the heartbreak. Going into relationships is accepting the fact that there's a chance that you are going to have your heart broken. And I have been in so many more relationships than a monogamous person because of the fact that I can date more than one person at a time. And with that, I have experienced heartbreak. Multiple times. there have been times where I am sitting in my room crying and wondering why do I keep doing this to [00:15:00] myself? And then I have moments like today where I am laughing with Cupcake and we are cracking jokes with her husband and I'm just. So full of love, and it's a different love than I had with my last partner and the partner before that.

And it's and that's why I stay because every love is different and every love is a different form of fulfilling.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well said, but wanted to add something.

Blake: No, I just thought that was great. I was saying. Hundred percent. Ding, ding, ding.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Heather, you're being very quiet tonight.

Heather: Um, no, I, I was just, I'm listening and loving everyone's share. Um, I really thought about this question because, uh, honestly, the QE comes very easily to the four of us, I was [00:16:00] to find, uh, a hard. about it. I think the hardest thing for me is, uh, managing my NRE with John when both John and Beeb are, we're all sharing space together. So I, I need to work on that a little bit because I sometimes make jealous when all four of us are hanging out together, I'm just, I don't see John as often, so when I do get to see him, I'm just like. Stuck to him, like glue. So I need to work on managing that. So, and that's been getting better. So, and it, it helped expressing that too, John, too, and just getting it out of my brain.

So when we are in the same space together and I'm giving Beeb a balanced attention between the two of them, know that John understands what I'm trying to do and obtain [00:17:00] so.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Cupcake.

Cupcake: Yeah. Um, I wanted to touch base on what you know, Heather was saying is like. I've been going through kind of a very similar, uh, situation a little bit differently. I was talking to Dalia about it, um, and I, you know, I talked to Cookie about it quite a bit this week. Um, and me, I guess I would be kind of considered the hinge of the Poly Q and so, you know, having basically four partners, it might be assumed that I'm getting an.

What you would consider enough attention and or enough affection, enough intimacy, or whatever it may be. But it could also be one of those things where everyone might assume I am and I may be not getting as much as I would consider needing, and [00:18:00] I felt a little neglected at times. Um, or a fifth wheel, or, you know, Dalia had mentioned that.

She also feels that way where, you know, sometimes because Cookie and Noah are in a committed relationship and me and my husband are committed relationship, and there could be times that Dalia feels like a fifth wheel, and that can definitely be a tricky situation because at the same time, I. You don't wanna ask for that, you know what I mean?

You don't wanna be that needy person that needs that, you know, like, well, I need more, you know, like, but you have four partners. You know, like, yeah. But like, I'm just trying to communicate that there is times that I, I do feel like I am. Not getting as much as I would hope, and it, it can be lonely at times, but that's definitely part of it and it's definitely something I have to work on.

But I also am trying to communicate that with my partners, and that's been a struggle for me to be openly and deeply [00:19:00] honest about it.

Noah : Sounds like you need a fifth partner.

Cupcake: No, I don't, I don't want that.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Dalia, you look, you had something you wanted to, you wanted to add into that.

Dahlia : We've cracked jokes about the fact that Cupcake just needs someone available at all times to just like constantly touch at her and affection her just because like we all can't do it all the time.

Max: Well,

Cupcake: I am sorry.

Dahlia : because I have touch aversion, which is really funny as a polyamorous person like I am consistently touching cupcakes as a way of being like, I love you.

Cupcake: We say that when she comes over, it's immersion therapy.

Max: That's funny, but you've got the puppies.

Dahlia : yeah. Oh my gosh. Those dogs are on me all the time. But one of the things that, um, when Cupcake mentioned this to me, I immediately [00:20:00] understood it. Like when she said, I am feeling neglected. I'm like, oh, that completely makes sense. Because if nobody's looking, would all assume that someone's paying attention to cupcake. Like she's got four partners. Somebody's obviously paying attention to her, right? And if no one's looking, then who is paying attention to her? And so when she said that, I'm like, oh, okay. I can put more effort into that. That's really easy. it's so easy to just have that bit of communication and just it into your everyday life. So I just wanted to add that in.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Max, did you wanna say something?

Max: Yeah, I was gonna add, so I play a lot of board games and it's like, there's some games, right, where it's like, it's really good with two to three people or four people, or five. Then you go, wait a second. How many [00:21:00] people is too many people? And I, I think. That as someone who's on the fence, I'll put it that way.

Uh, uh, Alonzo, you know, like you can approach something and be like, whoa, this poly q like, or this poly like, oh, look at all these connections. I'd be like, it would be hard to be connected to any of that because then that's like a 10 player game and that's gonna drive me nuts. But hey, here's, you know, a pair and I'd be an attachment to a third or have a this, or it's a manageable amount. those are connections I can manage because I'm definitely, I like to look at the big picture. And I guess the other thing to add, like, and I usually say it in my intro that I'm demisexual and that's something that I've come to realize lately and a lot of this seems to because if, if you have that kind of sexuality where you tend to look at your form of attraction in five or six different ways, I can see why Polly becomes very appealing.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Blake, [00:22:00] I see you, but Max, so take that one step further. It's one of the issues that we have, even with this podcast, which is now we limit it to eight people then when we have too many people. just get left out. It's actually, the bigger you get, the harder it is for everyone to pay attention to everyone. Like

Blake: such a great point. Uh, I think

Host - Alonzo Banx: I.

Blake: going back to that question of Weiss. Stick with it when it's difficult. And I, for me, I would really say, I love the analogy to the number of players in the game, because we love the two-player game. I mean, two-player game is great, but come on, you know, let's have a three player game, let's have a four player game. So, um, I, I don't know from, for me, I think the question of the ideal number, uh. that, uh, there's things three people can do that two people can't. And there's things that four people can do that three people can't. So I, I think that it's nice to be able to be open to, you know, what develops and, and, uh, just enjoy [00:23:00] whoever you're with.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Yeah, I don't wanna go too far down the, the number of people, but Heather, I'm gonna put you on the spot for a minute. Your poly Q has tendrils that go off into so many different directions. I, I can barely keep up with everyone. How do you guys manage it?

Heather: Well, the only person dating outside of the poly or the QE is Patty, so, oh, well, and I, I'm dating someone else too.

Max: Yeah, I was gonna say.

Noah : What. Chopped liver. No, I'm kidding.

Heather: The person that I'm dating does, uh, it's not a problem. It's so easy.

Max: Which, which one? Come

Cupcake: I.

Heather: Oh, that's what I was saying. I was trying to, I was trying to have a, I was having a hard time figuring out the negatives for our group because, um, honestly, uh, John and Patty make it so easy to [00:24:00] date them and just to love them. And so going through the struggles is, um, it doesn't even feel like a struggle. I don't know. Does that sound stupid?

Max: No,

Host - Alonzo Banx: Sounds like it sounds like a, a healthy relationship.

Heather: Yeah,

Max: mean,

Host - Alonzo Banx: of that, who who said

Max: it seems to make

Cupcake: Weird.

Host - Alonzo Banx: yeah.

Heather: gonna say, what Blake was saying was he was like, there's things that four people do that one person can. I was like, there's things that 10 people can do, person can do.

Noah : too have experienced the cheese wheel. It's great.

Heather: These

Max: Cheese wheel or the cheese grater.

Cupcake: What? I'm hungry now. Great.

Max: I've been hungry since we turned this on 'cause I was supposed to eat dinner and I wasn't able to because of the time change stuff. So that's why, that's why I have a drink.

Dahlia : keep muting myself to snack.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Okay, so who's had poly failures?

Heather: Polly, what

Host - Alonzo Banx: Failures.

Cupcake: Can you defin

Host - Alonzo Banx: Oh, that

Cupcake: [00:25:00] define that?

Host - Alonzo Banx: a poly failure. Oh, I can, there's a hundred. There's a hundred different definitions of,

Heather: I've had a huge

Max: She's like, what kind?

Host - Alonzo Banx: okay, so don't get too much detail, but what it come around to is the core tonight. Why did you stick with it after? If you've had major failures in your poly commun in your poly world.

Heather: So we're new to Poly, um, and our first experience in it, uh, was so bad. And we, after that relationship, we were like, uh, we're good. We're gonna take a step back and not focus on that, or not try to find it at least. Um, and then one night we met John and Patty and then bam. So there was no choice in it.

It was happening. So, uh, to keep, uh, I don't know. It just feels easy to keep going at it. It's. [00:26:00] I know. It's beautiful. Those good moments that you all share together are just poetic, it seems. And you know, to experience that whi, which a lot of people don't get to, um, it's beautiful

Host - Alonzo Banx: Did you have any issues before finding good relationships?

Cupcake: You.

Host - Alonzo Banx: those buttons. Do you have any, did you have any failures before you found success?

Cupcake: Um, I can't say I had any. Well, yeah, I did. I forgot on my path.

Host - Alonzo Banx: you've talked

Cupcake: I,

Host - Alonzo Banx: before, which

Cupcake: yeah, I was like, oh yeah, those, those really shitty relationships I was in. I forgot about that.

Host - Alonzo Banx: yeah.

Cupcake: Um, yeah, I mean, I was in two, I would say failure of poly uh, relationships before I met my husband. Um. One was I was put in a relationship that was Polly that I had never even really knew what Polly was [00:27:00] beforehand or understood it.

And I, I apologize, my puppy is yelling at me. Um, and I was kind of put in it without me being really comfortable with it. And because of that, I didn't put the effort in as much as. I am now obviously, because I was kind of like, well, this isn't what I'm supposed to do and this is weird, you know? And he ended up you not being very great of a person to be honest, but.

Uh, and then the second one I was, uh, actually a secret. I was a secret partner where, um, his other partners didn't know about me and it was a very toxic relationship. So why did I, uh, continue doing it? I met my husband and the moment we met, we, we. We're like, whatever we want this to be, it will be, you know, and it wasn't a, this is a strictly monogamous [00:28:00] relationship.

Granted, we were very monogamous for a number of years because we wanted to focus on our relationship. I also was trying to deal with my past trauma. Um, and so we spent a good amount of time. Building our relationship because we knew we wanted it to be a well good, you know, solidified um, relationship.

And then COVID hit obviously everything kind of paused for a lot of people in COVID. Um, but we just wanted to grow and learn and do it together. And I can't, you know, say it was kind of fate, but, you know, meeting Noah and Cookie and just the circumstances of getting. On so well, it was kind of like, wow, well this is apparently how this works and it's working really well, so that's cool.

Um, and I can't say I'd go back at this point and just want to keep [00:29:00] learning and keep loving and, and enjoying it.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Perfect segue into my next question. It was last week. The conversation was, can you go back after being poly? Can you. When you've hit issues, when you've hit problems, I, I'm trying to get to the core of what is it about this lifestyle that compels us to push past the problems because there are problems. Yeah.

Cupcake: I mean, I feel like, and I, I am my, one of my best friends is kind of dealing with this. She's now in a monogamous relationship. Um, but she was doing poly for a good amount of time and sh, I forget what the term is, but where you can kind of be either and be happy with either. Does anybody remember that term?

Max: Uh, me,

Cupcake: The term is max.

Host - Alonzo Banx: The term

Cupcake: [00:30:00] Um, but.

Max: I'm sure there is

Cupcake: I feel like I, I, I feel like everyone's got a little bit of that in them, and I think it, if you, depending on what that relationship is and how you need to nurture it, you could maybe be in a monogamous relationship. Will you always be happy that way? I think it just depends on the person.

Um, the same thing with Polly, like, can you be happy always being Polly? I think it just depends on the person.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, whatever you said Dalia, max. No. All hands went up at the same time. Dalia, I saw your, oh, okay. Dalia, I saw yours first. So go ahead.

Dahlia : Okay,

Host - Alonzo Banx: to Noah.

Dahlia : so I have been asked multiple times on the why are you poly kind of

Host - Alonzo Banx: I.

Dahlia : And use the example of the Kinsey scale, which is like on a scale of one to six, one being straight and six being gay. People are typically not one or six. There's somewhere in between, and I [00:31:00] believe that. Uh, the non-monogamy monogamy is also on a Kinsey scale, we are not necessarily completely born monogamous or non-monogamous.

We're somewhere on the scale, I personally am probably like a five. I am significantly more polyamorous than I am monogamous. And as soon as I found out what non-monogamy was when I was 19 years old and I was like, oh my God, I'm not a monster I love more than one person I knew I couldn't go back.

Like that was who I am in my core. So some people it's just who they are in their core, some people they just know that like. They can be a three or a two or a like a four to the point where they can be comfortably monogamous or non-monogamous. They can ride the line [00:32:00] on either side. So I'm definitely like a four and a half to a five.

I'm way more non-monogamous than monogamous.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Blake, I, I see you, but Noah, you were up first.

Noah : Yeah, I think in a lot of ways I agree with Alia. I, I think the, the biggest thing for me is I don't think I could ever be. Long-term monogamous again. And what I, I guess I'm trying to say, wanna say that is I, um, Love someone deeply and care about them deeply and be obsessed with them deeply for a time. But the idea of never having any sort of love or experience with another person in a romantic way, um, it's not something I could ever set myself up for. And I think part of that has to do with [00:33:00] the. Idea of, um, of expectation from that partner. I need to have a partner where I can kind of have a mutual fantasy. And so not to make it about me. Let's say I make it about my partner, I'm gonna make it about Cookie. 'cause she's not here to defend herself. It's gonna be great. It, so let's say Cookie says she's sitting right next to me. It's fine. Cookie says. Oh, that guy's really cute. I'd like to talk to him. I would like to be able to have a relationship where I can say, I can totally see that, you know what, maybe you should go talk to him, see what he's, what he's all about, right? And then after she decides and I decide this is a safe person, it'd be great to be able to say, why don't you have a relationship with that guy if he's open to it or if you're open to it, right? And I want that kind of same respect back. It's, it's about feeling safe in your relationship. It's about feeling love in [00:34:00] your relationship.

And without that, if, if I, I feel like jealousy comes from feeling unsafe. And I need to be in a relationship where I feel safe and I don't feel like I can feel safe if I'm always concerned about my side glance or my random thought being thrown back in my face is some kind of slight against their position in my life. Can't do it.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well said Blake.

Blake: I, I love, uh, both ways. And Dahlia were saying, and, and I think it's, it's so true. And, and in our relationship that's been a big aspect is that I, that we really want Lana to feel safe, uh, with that, with all of her who she is. And so that's what, um, what I really appreciate about her. Um, but I know for myself that, um, I, I love that idea of, of the Kinsey scale because I would also put [00:35:00] myself around a five. And, uh, my second marriage, we tried to do a, a strict monogamy thing and, you know, it just didn't work. I, I really discovered at that point that, uh, uh, I, I really needed to be with somebody that was open to being open.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Yeah, there. Did you have something? Yeah.

Heather: Uh, I really liked Dahlia's, Kinzie Gale a lot. Um, and I would, I know it's gonna be kinda shocking, but I would say like I'm a seven, like four.

Cupcake: It's not how this.

Heather: I know, I'm sorry. I say that just because, uh, the only reason I really like polyamory, I mean, there's multiple reasons, but like a good majority of it is I've learned so much about myself and. My capacity for, uh, learning and taking care of people and [00:36:00] learn, really listening to people. The knowledge I've gained, not only about myself, but like my, uh, my partners. Uh, that's what I really like about polyamory, like a lot, just the amount I've, learned about myself and, How I'm managing my feelings and navigating those complex emotions and what I like and don't like. yeah, it's opened a book to, Hey, here's Heather. Let's get to know her.

Host - Alonzo Banx: So it's worth pushing through the pain.

Heather: Oh, yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: It's worth pushing through the the hard times. Anyone got any great advice they've given or been given about that situations they were in? Where you, oh, Lana, go ahead.

Lana: So from my experience, I know for sure if it's, uh, [00:37:00] negative something and problems in the relationship. It could be in monogamous relationship, it could be in ous relationship. To go to to try to fix something. It's not gonna work. you are, have abundance of love. If you are safe in relationship, if your nesting relationship is strong you feel good about, yes, it's less negative, it's gonna be more positive. my opinion.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Go ahead, wake.

Blake: Um, so you, yeah, you're asking about advice, uh, that we'd received. And, uh, for me, I remember on my, my first, uh, sex positive trip, uh, to Hawaii. I was having trouble 'cause I'd been invited by a woman that we'd broken up before we got there, but we were still sharing a room and, uh, so I, and I felt very outcast.

It was really a [00:38:00] struggle for me. And I remember talking with one of the guys there and, uh, he said, uh, take the long view. And that made all the, the difference really to be able to take the long view for me.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Explain that to me.

Blake: Beg pardon?

Host - Alonzo Banx: Explain the long view to me.

Blake: the long view, and what he said at the time is he said, you know, when you come back here next year, it's gonna be a lot easier. And the year after that it's gonna be even easier. And I think that's something that we're really seeing in our relationship.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Max, go ahead.

Max: Yeah, I mean that goes into sort of a word that in my opinion, you let slip in the beginning, which is community. And there are a lot of places and spaces where it's like, are we just going to an event? Is it one night or are we building a community? Because, uh, I went to, so I spent fire and I went to a fire fitting, a fire spinning thing, and a friend said. I had gone a, a, a couple, a couple Wednesdays in a row and he is like, oh, you're finally being consistent and like, that's what you need to [00:39:00] do. And I was like, consistent bro. I brought you into this thing. It was like, just 'cause I just, 'cause I don't have the time to show up that much. But he was right in that, that was why I was on the edge of the community and am at the time because I didn't have the time to be consistent to it. And then once you're part of that community. You can. It allows you to explore something that that community does a lot and feel more comfortable in it, knowing when you're in a place where it's safe or comfortable or accepted or wanted to do that, when you're in a place where they're not gonna accept you and you just don't give a fuck.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, I think by definition probably is a micro community. I mean, I think that that's the definition you were in with group of other people. Any other thoughts about this for tonight? got any parting thoughts for me? Oh, we must have talked it to death. Not a single hand going up.

Max: Like clean your butt [00:40:00] hole.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Noah : watch your butt vigorously.

Max: I got it. Yeah. Yeah. I needed you to say it 'cause I got it

Cupcake: It's the motto, it's the tagline for the.

Max: tagline.

Noah : You know, you

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, I think, yeah, go ahead.

Noah : Real, real quick. I, I, I just wanna say that I, I think, you know, um, there, the, the, the plates and the pitfalls and, all those things that come with polyamory are. Often the same ones that come with monogamy. I think that the biggest thing, um, that predicts in my limited experience, success in this area is, um, we've hit over and over and over again, communication. But beyond that, I think the biggest thing is, um, trying to make sure that you are setting up your partner to feel secure in your relationship. If your partner feels like [00:41:00] when you are with someone else, you're not leaving them, and if you feel like when they're with someone else, they're not leaving you, that is when you, uh, can truly feel comfortable in a polyamorous relationship. you're constantly terrified that you're gonna be left because that other person. Is, uh, hanging out with another individual, you're gonna find that, uh, uh, it's gonna make things extremely difficult, if not impossible. Um, and I think those are the feelings that you need to tackle first and to decide whether this is right for you.

Are you the kind of person that can eventually get to a point where you're comfortable if your partner or partners are setting you up to feel like you can feel secure? And in their relationships.

Lana: Yeah.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, ab, absolutely. You've said this a few times, is that jealousy is a couple's issue. It's a group issue. [00:42:00] you're feeling jealous, it means you're not feeling secure, and that's something that you have to handle in the group. Dalia, you had something you wanted to add.

Dahlia : the words right outta my mouth. The only part that I was thinking was, uh, the arguments that I hear from monogamous people in breakups is like, oh, well, you know. What were you expecting in a monogamous relationship or in a non-monogamous relationship? Like those things never work, and it's just like, okay, and how many of your relationships have worked?

Max: Yeah.

Dahlia : How many breakups have you gone through?

Max: I think we all have to stop going like, uh, poly versus monogamy as

Cupcake: Yeah.

Dahlia : exactly.

Max: And it's, it's easy to fall into it no matter which side you're on, especially me. So with the, with the scale you introduced, I'm probably a three and a half, which is the big fucking problem.

Host - Alonzo Banx: You'd be su.

Dahlia : problem.

Host - Alonzo Banx: surprised how many of our listeners are monogamous or in monogamous relationships. I mean, [00:43:00] the difference, the difference with us is that

Max: not.

Host - Alonzo Banx: our time is compressed because we're with multiple relationships simultaneously. We hit a lot of the issues a lot more often. Um, there are no different than the issues that everyone faces in relationships. We just have to stumble with them more and. As we say, communication is the key to what we do because that's the only way to survive them. Cupcake. You got something?

Cupcake: Oh yeah, I just wanted, I mean, Talia and I were talking about it the same, is I feel like a lot of monogamous people look at poly people like they're aliens and that they're doing something so different. And I'm like, we're having relationships just like anyone else to have a relationship. You're still having a personal relationship with somebody.

It just may be. At the same time of other relationships, but you have other relationships. You love people [00:44:00] different ways. You love your friends, you love your family. You're basically Polly. If you think about it like you, it, it just may not all be romantic relationships. We're not aliens. We're just having multiple romantic relationships, whereas you can say you love multiple people Anyways.

As a mono person, it's just a slightly different concept. You're gonna have a falling out with friends, you're gonna have a falling out with family members that you love. It's very similar. We're not aliens. We're not doing something completely different from you. It's, I don't know. Yeah, that's all.

Heather: I think that was perfectly said.

Host - Alonzo Banx: I think it was very well said,

Dahlia : Yes.

Host - Alonzo Banx: and I have been accused of being an alien before. So There there's,

Cupcake: you're a dirty little raccoon. That's what it was.

Host - Alonzo Banx: that. Alright, so I'm gonna wrap this up tonight. It has been an amazing conversation, everyone. We are getting ready to start announcing our [00:45:00] July event that we've dropped hints to, and pretty soon we've putting up the links for everyone. This. been the Polly SoCal podcast. We have had everyone on tonight in a great conversation. Max, what are you laughing about? We wrap up tonight.

Max: Well, I can see other people when they're doing things and they're making me laugh.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Good. Goodnight everybody.

Max: Good night.

Host - Alonzo Banx: Well, well Dalia you, you survive.