What Does Commitment Actually Mean Here?

Everyone talks about commitment in relationships, but what does it actually mean when you have more than one? Is it implied or does it have to be stated out loud? Can you even cheat in a poly relationship? This episode the PolySoCal roundtable takes on one of the most misunderstood assumptions about ethical non-monogamy — that having multiple partners means having no structure at all. Noah breaks down commitment as negotiation, Cookie reframes it as behavioral alignment rather than a promise, Cupcake ties it to expectations and chronic unpredictability, and Heather cuts right to the heart of it with the most honest definition of the night. And for the first time, a monogamous voice joins the table offering a perspective that turns out to be closer to poly than anyone expected. By the end, one question nobody saw coming reframes everything: can you cheat while polyamorous? The answer might surprise you. 

Participants: Alonzo Banks (Host) · Noah · Cookie · Cupcake · Heather · Victor (Guest) 

Transcript

PolySoCal - E44 - What Does Commitment Actually Mean Here?
Alonzo banx: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks. Tonight we've got a good host going on with a good question: what does commitment actually mean in the poly world? Hey, everybody
Noah: Hey.
Victor: Right
Alonzo banx: So we've got one new face on tonight, but let's kinda show him how we do things. Go around, have everyone say hello.
Um, let's start with the, with the birthday boy here. Hey, Noah
Noah: Hey, how's it going? I am Noah. I have been on this podcast, uh, a couple times, once or twice. I am in a relationship with the pastries, as they're known, known around here. That'd be Cookie and Cupcake, and we've been in a poly relationship for a couple of years now. I've been with Cookie a little bit longer. and we added Cupcake, uh, yeah, a couple years ago. And I'm in a little bit of a kitchen table relationship with her husband, who also has his own [00:01:00] partner. And, uh, it's been a pretty good, uh, couple years
Alonzo banx: Right? And we've gotta get them on the podcast. I mean, they're coming out to the, uh, to Merenthea, the event, but we gotta get them on the call. Cookie.
Cupcake: been on the call.
Alonzo banx: Dolly's been on the call, absolutely
Cupcake: She's, I think she signed up for a few more
Alonzo banx: She did, actually. She's coming up. I'm looking at the list right now. She's up, up in two weeks. Cookie.
Cook- so move, moving, moving right along to Cookie. Good, good evening. How you doing tonight?
Cookie: I'm good. Uh, I'm Cookie. Um, pa- part of the pastry duo here with Cupcake, and we are with Noah. Um, I have not been on the podcast as much as either of them, so I'm working my way back up, and, uh, yeah, I, I don't, I, I don't know what else to say about that
Alonzo banx: Good to have you. And let's stay within the triad here. Cupcake. The famous cupcake, we should add[00:02:00] 
Cupcake: um, about that. Um, I'm Cupcake. I don't know if there's much more for me to say. I'm I am.
Alonzo banx: You are?
Cupcake: am. I am a, a nostalgic pastry that can be cream-filled or cream-covered, whatever you
Alonzo banx: Oh, good. Moving on. Heather, as the only member of the Kiwi tonight, welcome
Heather: Hi, I'm Heather. Um, married to the Beebs, um, and dating John and Patty. Well, actually engaged to Patty. Um, and we're coming up on our two-year anniversary, so that feels good
Alonzo banx: Nice. We gotta get their tech fixed so we can start getting them back online. We're missing them
Heather: Mm. Yeah, their whole house is in shambles right now, so
Alonzo banx: Well, thank you for being on here tonight. And we have a new voice tonight. Victor, welcome.
Victor: Thanks
Alonzo banx: Tell us about [00:03:00] yourself
Victor: thanks for inviting me. I'm Victor, uh, and I am about to, uh, turn five years with my girlfriend, Alicita. I have only, only one.
Alonzo banx: The, the, the
Victor: um, uh, non- non-poly. Yes
Alonzo banx: Welcome to the call. Okay, so the conversation tonight is what does commitment actually mean? I just finished a really awesome conversation tonight with, uh, with our attorney, uh, Toby Adams, and the conversation was around the end of relationships, both with, uh, with people passing away and just dissolving.
And it really amplified the confusion that happens in some of our relationships at the deep ends. So what does commitment mean? Who's got something for me?
[00:04:00] Wyatt Go on, Noah
Noah: So I, I think I'm going to blow everybody's minds when I say commitment is about, uh, what you've negotiated Uh,
Alonzo banx: that one to me
Noah: so, you know, uh, poly relationships, um, uh, can be somewhat dynamic in how they're handled, right? So, one polyamorous person, uh, in a relationship might have an agreement with one person, for instance, as their nesting partner, and another person might be someone that they're just dating casually, and they never intend it to be greater than that. Or, um, might have an individual relationship with a person that the other partner that they have is not involved in at all. perhaps they have a more serious relationships. Now they have two serious relationships that they're contending with, right? Perhaps three or four or five. Um, [00:05:00] every relationship is, uh, different in polyamory. Um, I think we can say that with, uh, with Heather and her relationship that she's got looks a little bit different than what I have with the pastries, and might look a little bit different than what Cupcake's experienced in her past. Um, might look a little bit different than what her husband has with his partner, Dahlia. Um, I think that, um, it really is a, a, a negotiated, um, uh, situation towards the beginning of a relationship, I would say. if you're-- it's not only a negotiation between you and maybe perhaps what you might call your primary partner, a negotiation you'd have with, uh, any other partner that you would have in the relationship
Alonzo banx: So to take that out by extension, you have to have, um, understandings and contracts or a verbal understandings in order to have commitment
Noah: At least in my [00:06:00] experience, I don't know how else, uh, we'd want to determine that. So I think that's even true in a monogamous relationship, right? If I am at first dating someone in a monogamous relationship, it's probably relatively casual. First or second date, no one's really expecting us to be exclusive. As you move on, you might start to have a conversation about, "Hey, are we being exclusive now? Are we in an exclusive relationship?" And then you kinda come to that agreement. And then perhaps you move on to something that's, uh, more like a fiancé situation. Now you're preparing to get married. It's a little bit more serious, right? And then you get married. That would be the most serious in a monogamous relationship. And I honestly don't feel like a polyamorous relationship is that different other than, um, there's, uh, probably a little bit more detail you need to go over, a little bit more, uh, respect you're gonna have to have for other existing relationships that your other partners are contending with. Um, [00:07:00] and there gets to be a little bit of web. There's a little complication, but I think communication, like we always talk about, is the key.
Alonzo banx: How does that resonate with you?
Okay
Cookie: Oh, with Cookie? With me? Um,
Alonzo banx: Mm-hmm.
Cookie: I... So I do agree to s- to some amount that, you know, there's... I think that there are types of commitments. There's, like, social commitments, like how your commitment looks on the outside to others, right? Like, and then people call you committed or not as a result of that. And then I think there are commitments to self, commitments to family, commitments to work, commitments to friends.
And along with all of those things is often, you know, you are committing, uh, I think most likely at its base, you know, to an extent your time and kind of your behavior. And some people might call commitment, like, a promise or something like that. I feel like that's a little I feel like that's related, but it's not quite the same thing to me.
[00:08:00] Um, commitment is when I say I'm going to be doing a certain way, I'm gonna be acting in alignment with a certain way, that is a commitment. At, for instance, um, I have a dietary commitment, um, to being vegan, but there may be times when I might be in a situation where I would break that commitment because I need to eat, and I'm unable to eat I were to be, like, really hard on this, right?
So to say that commitments are like rules or a specific promise, I feel like, no, rules and specific promises are their own category of thing. But a commitment is, is more in line with how you're going to behave, w- how you're going to uphold, how you're aligned with, um, you know, the decisions that you're going to make that are going to affect these people that you are committed to.
And I think, yeah, in a, in a poly relationship, um, on how you're set up, there might be commitments that, you know, you are making to [00:09:00] strengthen your relationships, to protect them, to make each other feel secure, and they're worth revisiting and they're, um, yeah, they're, like Noah said, they're worth discussing and honoring like, uh, like agreements and, you know, negotiations.
But, um, yeah, I feel like it's, it's much more in line with how you're acting, how you're behaving, where you're headed. and because of that, it's, I feel like, kind of tied into pla- to planning a little bit, you know? Um, that's kinda where I come at commitment from, I guess.
Alonzo banx: I got a couple things I wanna follow up with you there, but I don't wanna put bias here onto Cupcake before I ask her. Oh, with that shocked look. How does it... What do you think as the other part of this triad?
Cupcake: Um, I've been thinking real hard and having a lot of trouble, but I don't know. I kind of like think a bit as also commitment kind of linked with [00:10:00] expectations. Um, so kind of what your expectations are out of that commitment. Um, I, as a person that has a lot going on and, um, chronic illness, I try not to have expectations on others or have ex- have others have expectations on me without a set level of commitment, if that makes sense. Um, and I say that because my life is so unpredictable that, you know, someone that I may a more of a, lack of better words, surface level relationship with, I may not have expectations from that person, nor do I expect them to have expectations from me because there isn't a level of commitment, if that makes sense
Alonzo banx: Is commitment [00:11:00] something that has to be explicitly discussed? Or is there a level of commitment that's kind of automatic in a relationship? And I'm gonna keep that into that triad. Heather, I'm gonna pick on you here in a minute. But for now, for the three of you, is it implied or does it have to be explicitly stated we have a commitment to X?
Cupcake: I wouldn't say it's like explicitly exclaimed, but you know, it also just ties into communication in that relationship like you would have any communication in any other relationship, family, friends. it's, uh, you have conversations. You, you have those situations where you say, "Hey, like what, what are we doing with this specific situation?"
It could be a commitment to go to eat. It could be a commitment to meet someone somewhere. It could be a commitment to the same book at the same time. Like,[00:12:00] 
Noah: Yeah. I, I think that, um, comes into play here, right? So, know, you have different levels, um, for your commitment on relationships based on titles that you're assuming in your relationship. So for instance, Cupcake is my girlfriend. Cupcake is Cookie's girlfriend. That has a level of expectation, I think, of, of commitment, right?
Cupcake is more involved in our world for instance, a play partner might be, where a play partner be, um, someone who like to pl- you know, hang around with, enjoy sharing time with, but is more of a casual relationship. It's not someone who I'm expecting to save themselves for me, and I'm not saving myself for them sort of scenario, right? Um, I don't need to check in with them when I'm doing something on my own, for instance, in my opinion, right? [00:13:00] Where with my girlfriend, perhaps we're going to discuss things more. "Hey, I'm going out of town, and these things might be happening when I'm out of town. Let's talk about that." Right? Cookie is my nesting partner, Uh, finance has become much more of a part of our relationship and our discussions about how we're living our lives together. We're living in the same home, and we have to share the same space, and so we have a lot more negotiation that has to take place there. That's closer to, like a live-in, um, monogamous relationship or a marriage. Um, there are different levels, and I think language and what you are calling your relationship matters in those scenarios. And you can start to kind of make some assumptions, but I do think that for the most part, communication's key. If you are unsure what you want to talk about or what you-- what is allowed in your relationship and what is not allowed, you need to understand that by communicating with each other.
Alonzo banx: Okay, you wanna jump in
Cookie: I agree with both of [00:14:00] them. Um, but I also feel very strongly that really any relationship you have should not be relying on implicit things, implied things, or in assumptions. I think in general, in life, having that kind of setup will lead to misunderstanding across the board. No one has ever gotten every assumption they've ever made right. No one has ever gotten every implied message that has ever been sent. Um, in fact, quite the contrary. I think very few assumptions have been actually true, and very few implied messages were actually received the way that they were intended. And, and I think if you, you know, whatever your relationship is, even your work relationship, you should not be g- feeling any sense of, um, im- implicit, implied rules.
Um, ev- and, and I think the reason Noah goes kind of hard on the negotiation aspect is because, yes, it's very [00:15:00] valuable to put those things on the table and say what you mean, and make sure that, you know, what you're thinking, uh, is an agreement, is communicated and agreed to or, and clarified. Um, because when it's not, it's just confusing.
I, I don't think that that's a relationship setup. I think it's just a ticking time bomb of confusion that's just gonna, gonna go off later, and I, I would never recommend that to anybody. As soon as anybody thinks that they're in a good relationship where there's things implied, that things are implied to be understood, I, I worry for them.
I just, I just genuinely think that that is insecurity just waiting, waiting to blow up
Noah: And, and I think that part of, uh, you know, um, why we're speaking the way that we're speaking is, is because we are in BDSM style relationships, which there's a lot of negotiation involved in that from the very beginning, right? What is okay? Do you like this? Do you like that? Is this okay? Are you comfortable with this?[00:16:00] 
If not, then this is off the table. What are your safe words? What are your safe, um, you know, communication methods, right? Are you gonna tap my leg if you, you know, need to stop or whatever? You need to have multiple ways to communicate with each other, and there's a lot of negotiation that takes place. And part of this negotiation, that we've had in our relationships with both me, Cookie, and Cupcake is, you know, if someone approaches you with, you know, more than friendship desire, we need to communicate these things to each other.
We need to talk about it. It has been part of our relationship since the very beginning. But we wouldn't have done that if we didn't have at least some level of commitment, um, that we were assuming during that conversation
Alonzo banx: Right there
Heather: I have so much to say about this. Um, I really liked what Noah said about the, um, communication. The-that is a huge part of commitment. am in a top-bottom dynamic and also [00:17:00] poly dynamics. In my top-bottom dynamic, there was a lot more communication about, um, expectations and like that. Um, and there was a level of commitment in that relationship. Um, but I feel differently with my poly dynamics. didn't start with a lot of expect-- communication about expectations. Honestly, it was on a whim. So I have a girlfriend that I met before Joan and Patty, like a month before, and we were at a party together, and she just asked me, you be my girlfriend?" And I was like, "Sure. Yeah, let's do this." I liked her a lot, and now we're coming up on our two-year anniversary and, uh, I think we just built our, uh, expectations as the relationship developed. Um, but commitment for me means, um, like [00:18:00] I'm giving a piece of myself to that person and, um, so with that comes my time, my care, my love.
So that's what commitment means to me in poly. So your shit becomes my shit now
Alonzo banx: Victor? You are You are fundamentally monogamous, correct?
Victor: Yes.
Alonzo banx: How does this sound to a monogamous ear? How does this differ from how you look at commitment?
Victor: It sounds, in, in terms of the discussion of commitment, it sounds, I would say very similar to what I would experience or to what I experience in a monogamous relationship. I, I hear a lot, um, about communication and, um, [00:19:00] respecting the, um, respecting agreements. I would also add, but I don't think this is related to monogamous versus, um, uh, versus poly, a commitment of, um, making the other person happy. keeping, keeping the other person's happiness, uh, in mind. Um, yeah.
Alonzo banx: Feel that's part of a commitment that you make in a relationship? Heather, I see n- I see nodding heads there. Do you, uh, Victor, do you think that is a, an implied commitment?
Victor: Me, if I think that's
Alonzo banx: Yeah
Victor: No, I would say it's, it's part of my definition of commitment
Alonzo banx: Heather, you were nodding away
Heather: Oh, what he said about the person's happiness
Alonzo banx: Yeah
Heather: Uh, what did he say specifically?
Alonzo banx: That someone's happiness can be part of the commitment[00:20:00] 
Heather: Yeah. I mean, that's, that's part of what I was saying earlier. Your shit becomes my shit, so your emotional shit is my shit now, and I'm gonna care where you're at and if you're happy or not happy. Not that I am in charge of your happiness, but if there's something I can do to help, I wanna be there for that person,
Noah: I think that's the key, Heather, is you're not in charge of their happiness. I'm a firm believer, firm believer in, we're all in charge of our own happiness. Uh, we cannot be happy because someone else made us happy, and we cannot put it on ourselves to make other people happy. That does not mean we should not perform acts of love. Gift-giving, touch, love, affirmations, these are all things that are extremely important in all relationships, not just romantic, but even with your, your family [00:21:00] and friends and other loved ones. Um, but I think that, um, it is a, um, a, a pitfall many people fall into feeling like they should put aside their own happiness in order to make someone else happy in their relationship, and I think that is a recipe for disaster
Alonzo banx: I think one of the things that people outside of the poly community look at us and think we have no commitments, meaning I'm in a poly relationship, so I can go out this weekend and pick up anyone I want in a bar. I can meet anyone I want anywhere, that, that there's no structure to our relationships.
And when I put out the question, what does commitment mean? The intent was, as my questions are always gonna change from what my intent was , where do you draw the lines? Are you free to go out and meet other people? Are you [00:22:00] free to go out and do whatever you want? Or do we have the same level of commitments that you would have in a monogamous relationship, just with more people, Heather?
Heather: I guess that's, uh, what like Noah was saying in his first response is it's all about that kind of contract or that, um... What was the word you used, Noah? The,
Noah: Nego- negotiation
Heather: N- your negotiations, yeah. In, in the beginning, you know. when me and the QE got together, we definitely wanted an open poly dynamic.
We wanted all to, all of us to be able to explore, to go out on our own and do our own things, or like John and Patty doing their own thing, 'cause we're, we, all of us are also defining each other as swinger, swingers too. So that's not to say that, um, any of us can go out and [00:23:00] find a random dude and have random sex.
I don't think that would be acceptable to, uh, our group, unless it was a club, then yeah, maybe. But I'm not gonna randomly start dating somebody that the QE doesn't know. That's like a whole another conversation, 'cause we are a kitchen table poly, so they would, uh, have to be comfortable having a seat at that table.
Everyone would have to like everybody, so yeah. There's like a whole thing there
Alonzo banx: Kate, you wanted to say something
Yeah, you had raised your hand a minute ago.
Cupcake: didn't, I didn't hear you say
Alonzo banx: Oh
Cupcake: Sorry. Um, I mean, I think it also just depends on the person. I mean, how many relationships you can personally, you know, handle. Um, you know, it comes down to your own personal needs and wants and that being communicated with your [00:24:00] group also. So like you can't really just be like, "Well, I only have two partners, so I'm open.
That's how the rules work." And it's not It's just all dependent on that person's needs and wants. And if they're needing or wanting to do more things, then that obviously would be communicated, I would, I would hope, communicated with their, their polycule or their partners. Um, but it also can come down to some people just don't need more than a certain amount, and that's just dependent on that person
Alonzo banx: Oh, in a thing that we have never addressed before, communication is important
Cupcake: What's that?
Alonzo banx: Ricky, go ahead
Cookie: Um, yeah. So think, yeah, I definitely agree with, about that. Um, the thing is that you asked that I think is important is, is how, how do you find the limits, right? Because you might have a negotiation in the beginning with an [00:25:00] idea of what you want this relationship to be. But yeah, you go to the club and something happens, or you go out here and, and something happens or something comes up.
So it's kind of an ongoing agreement. Um, but I also think that this kind of ties into, you know, that, that intent to do things that support your partner and, and make them feel secure, right? I'm not gonna say makes them happy 'cause that's really part of the equation. But I do think when you are in any relationship, um, or multiple relationships with people, they feel good when most of the time your interactions are positive, right?
And, you know, I think different studies have been done about, like, what percentage of the time should be positive, you know, versus neutral versus negative, and it's something like 70% of the time or more should feel positive in general with your interactions with this other person. And I think, you know, you can start to kind of [00:26:00] find limits without having formally discussed it, just judging by, like, reactions to your behavioral shifts or something that you try. Um, and I think, you know, we-- in the real world when you're faced with opportunities that hadn't had a chance to be discussed before, you might be faced with this thing where, like You wanna ch-- you wanna have this new moment that you never could have predicted and you, you didn't discuss with someone before, and you have to kind of like play in your brain like how this would go with your other partners if you were to do this thing, right?
So you like run through that little gambit of, you know, how hurt would everyone be, you know, each on their own if I were to do this thing, right? And I feel like kind of keeping a little bit of a log of, you know, how ev- how everybody's feeling based on the things you do is kind of part of your commitment to being a good partner, um, in that relationship dynamic.
And I think, you know, when you are in a monogamous relationship with one [00:27:00] person, I feel like there's kind of a lot more pressure, that they can start to feel where, like, y- you might hear them say like, "Oh, well, I feel like I need to be my-- their everything," or that, that I need to be their everything. There's a lot of pr- pressure to almost perform if you're falling short somewhere. and I think when you experience a poly relationship, you kind of realize like, no, everybody's like good at their own little things, and it's a lot worse when people act like they're gonna be good at something that they're not.
When they start acting inauthentic, like that kind of hurts the relationship. That's not great, and it would be okay to be in a monogamous relationship that doesn't check all the boxes, maybe, you know? but I think part of commitments, part of honoring commitments is, you know, acting in, in a, a way of alignment with, with the relationship that you seem to have set up and, and acting, you know, um, in a way where it doesn't seem like you were just selfish and acting in a way that seemed like you considered some other people who are involved with you, [00:28:00] um, and how they would feel about it.
And, and if they're not there, you know, trying to do your best to honor it and also honor yourself in enjoying moments as they spontaneously happen and not feeling like regret that you couldn't do anything just 'cause you couldn't plan for the things that happen in life. And I think, you know, that's a big part of kind of finding the limits there.
Heather: I think you deserve an award for that response.
Cookie: Oh, you
Heather: I think the golden thing for me was the intent behind the decision. I think intention is everything
Cookie: It is. It is. I think it's huge
Alonzo banx: Now what?
Noah: maybe another way to ask your question, Alonso, um, in a more crude and unthoughtful way would be to say: Can you cheat while you're polyamorous?
Alonzo banx: Well, there's that.
Noah: And I think the answer is yes,
Heather: can. Absolutely.
Noah: answer is yes in the sense that, um, you [00:29:00] can absolutely betray the trust of your partners. One or more of your partners you could betray in a single moment, and this has everything to do with, um, what we've been talking about, right?
What you've negotiated, what you've talked about, what your expectations are in your relationship, and if you don't know what your expectations are, you haven't talked enough. Start talking. I think, um, know, in general, unless it's been prearranged, stands probably aren't a thing anymore if you're polyamorous, right? you should be, very least, um, discussing potential partners with your other partners, that it could be happening, or you're interested in someone, or you're talking with someone and you would like to have a date with them. You don't just go make those, um, choices, decisions, um, all on your own without, um, considering your other partners. [00:30:00] Um, s- in some ways it's not that different from having a monogamous relationship on top of a business relationship. You need to talk with your partners about what you're doing with your business, right? And that has everything to do with respecting their feelings, but also respecting their health, right? If you're, um, with multiple people, especially in a one-night stand scenario, if you're not being respectful in a health way, you could be bringing that into your other relationships and taking that with you, right? Um, STDs, STIs, whatever, right? All, uh, it, it's, it's not something that you just play around with and, and take casually.
This is not about just having sex with whoever you want. This is about love.
Alonzo banx: Heather?
Heather: from a little different perspective over here, but negotiations are different for Beeb and I. I am not speaking for John and Patty. Um, when we go out to, uh, this, [00:31:00] a specific club, can have one-night stands. We can do whatever we want at a club, so. And that is with consideration of our partner. Um, there are people who are off limits, and it's all talked about, but pretty much you can do anything you want, whatever finds you there in the space. But, and that being said, um, if my partners are there, I ask first before doing said person, so
Noah: is totally healthy. And I, and honestly, that's I think a lot of, uh, relationship types and, and realistically ours as well in a lot of ways. But, um, it's, it's hard to talk in generalities
Heather: yeah, we would never go to a bar and have a one-night stand because that's not a part of our negotiation
Noah: Yes
Alonzo banx: Picture
Heather: That would-- And also not wearing, like you said, health-wise, not wearing protection. I'm fluid [00:32:00] bonded with my QE, so not doing that would be cheating
Alonzo banx: Victor, what's your thought on all this being on the outside?
Victor: Listening. No, yeah, I have no, no opinions. I'm curious
Alonzo banx: Well, I think the, the answer we've come to tonight is commitment definitely exists, and it's something that has to be talked about and negotiated and put in context with who you are, your partners, the relationship, and how you've built what you have. Is that right?
Noah: It is. And Alonzo,
Cookie: Mm-hmm.
Noah: I must hear your opinion on this. You, you sir, do not just get to get away with not responding. I wanna know how do you feel
Alonzo banx: It's complicated for me, 'cause as anyone here knows, I am very monogamish. Um, I am very much a one love kind of [00:33:00] person, but I am a swinger. So I do side with Heather in the, if you're in a club and you're doing something and it's, uh, falls into that, but that's part of the commitment. Where I would also never have a date with someone that my partner wasn't very much involved in, because that's part of our commitment.
So I think that comes down to the difference between poly and swinger is, is it an affair of the heart or an affair of the body? In our world, affairs of the body are more acceptable than affairs of the heart, and the commitments that I have are that there are no affairs of the heart
Noah: Isn't that interesting? Because I feel, uh, very much the same way. I think that's probably something that a lot of folks in polyamory feel, and I am v- uh, uh, [00:34:00] vastly oversimplifying this to make a point, so don't think it-- into this analogy too hard. But listen, holding someone's hand or giving them a kiss on the mouth or putting a penis in a vagina doesn't feel all that different to me. You're talking about flesh on flesh, right? And, if you wanna talk about love, if you wanna talk about sharing your life with someone, your commitments, your future, um, that is a whole different thing. And I think that is truly, at least in my opinion, the part that matters. When you're talking about connecting your life, um, with someone, not just financially, but emotionally and, um, uh, with your family and friends and making them a part of your world, that is fundamentally deeper than, [00:35:00] uh, one hard object going into one soft hole. Doesn't seem all that different to me
Heather: We hope it's hard.
Alonzo banx: Or, or soft
Cookie: May- maybe a little both, yeah
Alonzo banx: Anyone have any final thoughts for the night?
Heather: I think, um, we, n- negotiations, intention, and, um, uh... Oh man, what was the third one? Damn it. There was a, a
Cupcake: Expectations? I was like, "I don't know if this is correct." I helped
Heather: Those three. Define commitment
Alonzo banx: Victor, thank you for being on tonight. Cup- cup- cupcake cookie, Heather, Noah, another fantastic conversation. This has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am still Alonzo Bodden... Oh, oh, Cupcake's, Cupcake's got a word. Can't back out yet. Go ahead,
Cupcake: [00:36:00] word. love is not implied
Noah: Great
Alonzo banx: on. Go ahead, explain
Cupcake: Um, well, we were talking about, you know, obviously commitment, negotiations, and expectations. And there's a quote, and I can't off the top of my head remember where it's from, but it's a song, I believe. But love is not implied, and you can't really have love without communication. You can you love somebody, but if you don't communicate with that person, do you really love them?
'Cause do you really know, like, who that person is or what you have with that person? So, like, you can't really say that you love someone without, like, a communication in it. So it should never be implied. And that also comes with, you know, communicating that love for someone so that they know.
Alonzo banx: I think you just named an entire another episode that we have to do. Because I could run off on that conversation for a while, but I am gonna call it for tonight. [00:37:00] I am Alonzo Banks. That was the amazing Cupcake. Thank you everyone. It's been a great night
Cookie: Hi